You are browsing the archive for February 2012.
“When I was in junior high, I was sewing my own clothes. [...] I had these looks. Sometimes they were very tragic. I wore a pair of green, silk, MC Hammer–style pants with the low crotch, Birkenstocks, and my hair in a turban. What that look was, I don’t know, but it was kind of amazing.” [BlackBook]
It wasn’t all tepid, frustrating and demoralizing Sunday night at the Oscars. We’ll always have the red carpet with all its bitchy tweets, tuxedo sabotage, wheelchair awkwardness and wackadoodle screen vets getting the live, televised attention they so richly, richly deserve. Take Richard Dreyfuss and Nick Nolte, for example. Who was crazier?
Oscar-winner Dreyfuss practically melted with contempt for the whole post-Oscar scene, veering from modulated bickering to some rant about retiring from movies, the Constitution, the conservative political patrons the Koch brothers, and… Well, here. Watch:
It made for a fine complement to the evening’s earlier red-carpet batshittery, with nominee Nolte making the most of his face time by discussing crows, pinball machines and whatever else his interviewer brought up (when he could hear and/or understand her):
Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Down and Out in Beverly Hills: The Senior Years? Someone find Bette Midler, let’s get on this!
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Somewhere in L.A., a newborn baby boy is looking up at Ben Affleck’s grizzly man ass face and wondering why his father is the unabomber sketch. That is a face that’ll make you wanna call America’s Most Wanted.
People is hearing from a source that 6-year-old Violet and 3-year-old Seraphina are big sisters to a brother with an unknown name who was born in Santa Monica, CA. Jennifer Garner said a while ago that Ben is cool with a boy or a girl, but you know his ass was just putting on a front, because he’s the kind of dude who’s been keeping a collection of Red Sox onesies for the son he’s always wanted. So Ben’s finally got the son of his dreams! Unless….his son ends up like me and would rather dye his She-Ra doll’s hair red with food coloring than even glance at a baseball for five seconds.
I’m going to temporarily ignore the winks coming from all those “cheating A-list actor staying with his actress wife for the sake of their unborn child” blind items to talk about the name. We don’t know the name yet, but if they’re going to keep with the flower or bible theme, I’m guessing they’ll go with Dandelion Affleck or Hosanna Affleck. They’ll probably name him Matt Damon Affleck, but part of me hopes they’ll name him Farnsworth Umbrella Blake. You know, so he can go by F.U. Blake for short.
Lindsay Lohan shot an interview with Matt Lauer for Today this morning (it airs Thursday) to promote her SNL shit this weekend, her ruining of Elizabeth Taylor’s image and her devotion to delusion, because she mouth farted out the same shit she said last year. Last year, LiLo told Matt that she was completely keeping her nostrils clean of the bad shit and was on her way to giving mouth-to-mouth to her ravaged carcass of a career. We all know how that turned out. This time, LiLo told Matt that she was totally talking out of her crack hole last year and she now knows she has to prove herself by not acting like a crack bag of fuck ups. As you mutter to yourself “actions fart louder than words” over again, read what LiLo had to say this time:
On if she was high on denial during her last interview: “Definitely and I think it was — it’s a scary thing to have to kind of express to people … I wasn’t as comfortable with myself then. I think it was a fear factor that I had about what was really going on. And, you know, I had to get that wakeup call.”
On her party monster ways: “That’s not my thing anymore. I went out, actually, a few months ago with a friend. And I was so uncomfortable. Not because
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Natalie Portman and the pirouetting father of her Ivy League graduate baby (yeah, he already graduated) Benjamin Millepied silently announced that their asses are married when they wore their wedding bands to the Oscars on Sunday. Maybe their silent announcement was an homage to The Artist? Or something. Natalie would rather eat raw meat out of a leather wallet (no euphemism, she’s veganese) than talk about her personal life, so there’s probably not a chance in hell she’s going to confirm this. But who needs Natalie to confirm this when her jewelry designer will do it for her. Jooree designer Jamie Wolf tells People Magazine that those rings are of the marriage kind and she made them for Natalie and her huzzzzzbeeeeeend.
Jamie Wolf confirmed today that she designed Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied’s “wedding rings,” she shares in a release.
Wolf created two diamond rings for Portman, made to fit on either side of her engagement ring, and a platinum band for Millepied. Both baubles are eco-friendly, made with recycled metals and conflict-free diamonds.
This marriage is going to last about as long as it takes me to do a full plié without farting (that could take a while, actually), so it was kind of smart of Natalie to not officially announce that she’s somebody’s wife. Because if she didn’t announce the marriage, she doesn’t have to announce the divorce in a year. Well, silently played, Natalie.
Julia Roberts is in Vanity Fair and the only thing I’m thinking that she took a picture of her calico cat to her colorist and told him to give her that – Lainey Gossip
How come when Freida Pinto pulls her tank top down like that, millions of men cream their eyeballs, but when I do it my dog finds a way to bark out the word “STOP!” in English - Hollywood Tuna
Lindsay Lohan told the SNL writers that she’s down for anything and nothing is off the table, so I’m hoping that means we’ll get a skit where White Oprah is shot into the universe out of a canon – The Superficial
Like a 90s Amy Winehouse is the vibe Katy Perry’s giving me on Interview Magazine - Celebitchy
Excuse me as I shed a tear for the loss of all that delicious German beer, and yes, that waiter is in danger, girl – Towleroad
Just a peek of Salma Hayek’s world-saving chichis – Popoholic
RiRi shows us through her outfit that she sucks at choice-making – ICYDK
Here I was thinking that Dolly Parton smelled like butterfly wings, hummingbird juice, wig glue and sunshine – OMG Blog
Oh look, it’s Ke$ha’s face twin – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
They should’ve cast Trace Cyrus as the
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What in the hell kind of GD shit is Johnny Depp on, because looking like this is only okay if you’re a hungover colorblind 8-year-old circa 1977 or if you’ve passed out in the bushes after fucking a hooker and she stole all your clothes so you had to get new ones from a nearby Salvation Army bin. No grown ass man should be wearing jeans by OshKosh B’Gosh. Johnny isn’t fighting the hotness, he’s killing it not-so-softly. Johnny is starting to make Keef Richards look fap-able.
Johnny looks like he smells like what peen cheese tastes like. Somebody needs to give this bitch a donation. But there is hope. Johnny is wearing a medium blue hanky on his right side and that means he’s into everything but 69ing. I hope “everything” includes giving him a full body soapy handjob in the shower and following it up with a Palmolive facial. It cuts the grease.
Road work ahead, they have no idea….
So if you’re thinking about getting knocked up, just put some aspirin between your legs and forget about it, because Chestica Simpson is KNOCKED UP for all of us. My eyeballs feel swole just from looking at Jessica and she still has a few more weeks to go before her body explodes. She’s either going to give birth to a fully formed 18-year-old or Michelle Duggar’s going to kiss her record goodbye when Jess pops out an entire kindergarten class. Not even a private school class. Jess is going to birth out an entire public school class, so they’ll have to share a desk and shit.
I don’t know whether to say a prayer in front of my Saint Guadalupe candle for the bra straps holding up Jessica’s 400-gallon leche sacks or for her ankle bones who are probably going through some serious shit right now. I’ll pray for neither and drink an entire pitcher of cherry Kool-Aid instead, because I’ve suddenly got a craving for some.
