You are browsing the archive for April 2012.
While most singers try to sing from their diaphragm, Mimi goes way deep and sings from her coochie. Now, that is how it’s done! During the closing concert at the Ischgl ski resort in Austria yesterday, Mimi prepared to let out a 32 octave butterfly yodel by breathing in so hard that her Spandex ski pants practically polished her damn cervix. Mimi’s poon will be spitting out Spandex for days! I refuse to call it a camel toe, because Mimi doesn’t do camels, darlings. It’s more like a lamb toe. Hell, it’s the whole damn lamb’s foot! It also looks like a unicorn putting its hooves together to pray, and two butterfly cocoons hanging next to each other, and Homer Simpson with red lipstick on, and a fortune cookie molded from Play-Doh. Basically, Mimi’s cooze flaps look like everything. Who knew that Mimi has the Rorschach test of pussy lips?
Even though Mimi’s got an entire stampede up in her pants and her coochie could be a star in the world of competitive pants-eating, CoCo is still the Queen of Camel Toes. I mean, who would you put money on in a camel toe wrestling match? Exactly.
What in the Batman meets Hefty bag hooker Hell is that on Adrienne Bailon’s body? – Hollywood Tuna
Sandra Bullock’s maybe piece looks like a younger Simon Cowell. Maybe that’s why Baby Louis can’t stop side-eyeing – Lainey Gossip
Either Mad Mel finally got a blowjob or his veterinarians sedated him with the same shit they sedate rabid bears with, because he was TOO calm on Leno – The Superficial
January Jones’ baby does have Matthew Vaughn’s hairline… – Celebitchy
RuPaul is not about to let lying bitches fuck up the Drag Race finale – Towleroad
Why is Kate Upton allowing her nipple to get that close to Troyzan from Survivor? – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Where have the Glittery Gays of YouTube been, because I need them to recreate RiRi’s new video next to the BBQ in their mom’s backyard – The Berry
The skinny ass chipmunk that is Miley Cyrus walking to her car, take 5,298 – Popoholic
A true American hero – The Daily What
Patrick Dempsey is like the new Ryan Gosling – IDLYITW
Lady CaCa needs to be in prison for committing My Little Pony genocide – Just Jared
More privileged white girl problems coming your way! – Popsugar
Do
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Leave it to three memaws to perfectly sum up Kim Kardashian in one simple sentence: “She’s just laying there!” I became these three memaws’ fan at “His tongue is as long as his dick!” and I became their biggest fan at “His nose is in her cligh-toris!“
Do they take requests, because I need them to guide me through the Chyna sex tape. Shit, I need them to guide me through all sex tapes. They need their own show on Comedy Central. They can call it Granny Got Porn or Werther’s Original Theater 2012.
via Gawker
No, this isn’t a picture of Dr. 90210, one of the original E! whores, holding up the tampon that fell out of his man pussy. This is a picture of Dr. Robert Rey posing with a peen implant during a meet and greet with his “fans” at the Seminole Casino in Hollywood, FL on Saturday. It’s nice to see that after all these years Dr. 90210 is still a frosted, latex-covered MESS! Bitch looks like he just woke up from a coma after overdosing on the wrong kind of K during Black Party Weekend in 2001. Dr. 90210’s calico cat hair makes me think of my terrifying adventures with Sun-In and that outfit makes me think of how I used my first credit card to actually buy something from the International Male catalog. Dr. 90210 is like a human time capsule of everything that was wrong about the early 2000s. Dude looks like a Euro gay porn star from 2002 who just can’t let go of his glory days. I bet he smells like poppers, Drakkar, L.A. Looks gel and anti-chaffing cream.
That being said, I’d still hit it even though he’s so damn greasy that fucking on him would be like humping a Slip ‘N Slide covered in baby oil. But Dr. 90210 would have to bring his “friend“ who sort of looks like a beary Haley Joel Osment on growth hormones.
Maggie Gyllenhaal has birthed out yet another little girl who gets to play Barbies in her playroom with Uncle Jakey (SPOILER ALERT: Jakey’s always gets to be Midge. Always.). Maggie’s rep tell UsWeekly that her second daughter with Peter Sarsgaard was born on April 19th in NYC. Just like Jack Osbourne and Lily Allen, Maggie and Peter have given their daughter the name of a 73-year-old southern memaw who holds the record as Piggy Wiggly’s longest serving employee and whose hair hasn’t been out of a bun since the 40s. Maggie and Peter named their second kid:
GLORIA RAY!!!!!!!
I can’t hate on the name Gloria Ray at all, because: a) Any name that is also the title of a Laura Branigan song is a good name and; b) Just shouting the name “Gloria Ray” out loud makes me feel like a southern mother from the 50s calling her daughter in for supper.
And meanwhile, Jessica Simpson’s wombschooled unborn baby just graduated from the 3rd grade.
Looking like a come-to-life Ganguro Bratz doll, the heir to the lucite throne Courtney Stodden and her creepy queefbag of a husband Doug Hutchison showed the People of Walmart how to truly bring refinement and grace to a big-box store when they shopped at Target in West Hollywood yesterday. Several Target shoppers immediately left after seeing Courtney in the aisles, because they figured that there’s no way they can afford to shop at the same store as an expensive-looking creature who obviously prefers the finer things in life. You’re looking at Courtney’s “dress” and seeing a toddler’s size large tank top, but I’m looking at it and seeing what every French designer will send down the runway at their next couture show.
I’m actually surprised that Courtney can go out in public without get mobbed by thousands of fans (or the police, or agents from Child Protective Services). But all of that will change once the long-awaited (read: the opposite of that) follow-up to her first single “Don’t Put It On Me” debuts at #1 on PedoBear’s iTunes playlist. If you ever wanted to know what it sounds like to hear an iguana dry heave into a high-powered fan, click here (that shit won’t embed, I should take that as a sign) to listen to Courtney’s new song “Reality.” Or as she sings it,
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An Oklahoma Highway Patrol trooper telling the local news that “it was determined that there was an active meth lab in his pants” is the reason why the American flag is flying extra high today.
When Highway Patrol trooper Shiloh Hall pulled over an SUV for speeding, he asked the same question tanning salon employees ask after Jocelyn Wildenstein comes in to bake her skin: “What is that chemical smell?” When Trooper Shiloh realized that something in the SUV was meth, its passenger, David Williams, quit that bitch and ran away. Trooper Shiloh chased after David, caught the ho and quickly realized he had a meth lab stashed in his pants. File this under: WWWWD (What Would Walt White Do?).
Sometime during David’s struggle with Trooper Shiloh, the meth lab franchise on his crotch exploded. Besides the fact that David’s got meth mouth of the dick and has become the most eligible piece in the Lohan family, the meth bottle blast didn’t cause any major injuries. David was arrested for manufacturing a control substance.
They should also charge David’s dumb ass for being the worst meth maker ever. When Trooper Shiloh asked what that gross chemical smell was, David should’ve said that a can of Mountain Dew spilled in the car earlier or he should’ve said that all the Purell he drinks makes his farts smelly funny. Trooper Shiloh would’ve shrugged and move on. But no, David had to run off like a moron. What if Trooper Shiloh fired a shot at David? Bitch
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Scientists studying the ongoing mating rituals of the North American sasquatch will have to get research footage from other sources, because Lamar Odom has killed E!’s Khloe & Lamar by pulling out of that mess to focus on saving his basketball career. The Dallas Mavericks pretty much put Lamar on the curb after his worst season ever and so he’s trying to up his chances of getting traded to another team by dropping the reality shit show baggage he brought to the Mavericks.
TMZ says that Khloe & Lamar’s second season will be its last. Their source says that Lamar is working with new trainers full-time in L.A. and doesn’t want to be bothered by having to fulfill his contractual obligations with E! by letting Khloe dry mount him on camera several times a day. But Lamar isn’t completely free from the clutches of Ryan Seacrest’s evil-making troll claws. Lamar will still be on Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians every now and again.
It’s always a good day when the Kuntrashian fame whore machine weakens, but Lamar is still in danger, girl. Lamar’s game isn’t down because of the cameras. Lamar’s game is down because when he goes to sleep at night, Pimp Mama Kris slithers out of the closet and feeds her black demon heart by sucking the life blood out of him through the artery in his taint. (Yes, we have taint arteries. I just tapped at mine.) PMK did it to Bruce Jenner and
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The costume designer(s) of Pain and Gain should get their Oscar speech ready, because they have clenched the win by throwing this hot look onto the body of one-man terrorist killing machine Marky Mark. As Marky pumped up his brain with heavy beats (SPOILER ALERT: He was listening to this), he flashed one third of his nipple triplets and braced himself for the tidal wave of panty pudding that eventually hit him after hos got a good look of him dressed up like John Travolta’s private chef. Those aren’t rainboots. They’re pantycreamboots!
And I only have one tiny issue with this look. According to my Scientology spell checker, they spelled “cock” wrong. They should fix that in post-production.
