You are browsing the archive for March 2013.
And here’s the porn iguana inhaling meth-laced baby carrots and wishing all of us a Hoppy Easter. Yes, Jesus came back to life for this. Hoppy Easter, I guess. But I really don’t want to know where her crusty oatmeal-faced husband hid his eggs this year. No.
Scientologists don’t believe in anti-depressants, because when they want to get happy, they fuck themselves in the butt with an e-meter can while humming the theme to Close Encounters of a Third Kind. So it’s not exactly surprising that Kirstie Alley is throwing ten balls of hate at the anti-depressant Abilify for using cartoons in their commercials. The Jabba the Hutt of Scientology spent yesterday and today ranting on Twitter about how Abilify is targeting children by using cartoons. Kirstie may not have a PhD in pharmacology, but she has a PhD in batshit lunacy, so she definitely knows what she’s talking about. Here’s the truth according to Dr. Kirstie:
So Kirstie is hating on a pill that claims to help with depression and yet she’s the member of a “religion” that claims to cure gayness? Oh, Kirstie, never stop being you. This bitch needs some Abilify. And you know, I think I’d rather suffer from dizziness and have trouble swallowing (I can’t believe I just typed that, my social life is ruined) than be a Scientologist. So Kirstie, you stay worshipping an alien god and we’ll stay pilled up.
via Radar
I just want to hump that headline and cuddle with it afterward and I never want to cuddle after. I usually just want to drink tap water out of the bathroom faucet and then go and watch Dateline re-runs in the other room, but not with this headline.
HuffPo says that in her new book The Power of Positive Drinking, comedian Cleo Rocos writes about the time in the magical 80s when she, Freddie Mercury and TV star Kenny Everett dragged Princess Diana up as a hot dude to sneak her into a gay club in London. They put her in an army jacket, sunglasses and a black cap, and snuck her into the Vauxhall Tavern in South London. Cleo writes:
“When we walked in … we felt she was obviously Princess Diana and would be discovered at any minute. But people just seemed to blank her. She sort of disappeared. But she loved it. She did look like a beautiful young man. She was always a very fit girl, so they might have thought, ‘There’s a nice young man with pert buttocks.’”
That should be Disney’s next cartoon movie. I really need to see a cartoon movie about a princess who escapes her life by dressing
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Back when Posh Beckham was the empress of the chavs with a complexion like a basketball and tits that looked like they were filled with more plastic than the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese, she and David Beckham bought a 1930s estate outside of London and called it Beckingham Palace. They’ve had their fill of English country life and want to live in London now. They bought it in 1999 for £2.5 million and they put in a snooker room (Side note: No, a snooker room isn’t an altar room dedicated to Snooki and it’s not a room where you plan your schemes, it’s a billiard room) and a recording studio. It was the headquarters of chavism and now Posh and Becks are selling it. Pour out a bottle of self-tanner on a bedazzled pink Razr phone, because it really is the end of an era.
The Daily Mail says that Posh and Becks are privately selling it for £10 million. The DM’s source says that not just any bitch can buy Beckingham Palace. Posh and Becks will only sell it to a family, because they don’t want an investor turning their precious mansion into a condo building. The source said this:
“They know there aren’t lots of individuals looking for houses of this size, and developers would jump at the chance to turn it into smaller flats, which would have added value
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While some of us were spending our Saturday afternoon trying to perfect the Easter Cadbury Creme Egg mojito (aka a tall drink of delicious barf) recipe we got from the gourmet journal The Daily Mail, Brit Brit Spears was in Kentwood, LA steering her blue plastic and metal chariot through the aisles of the hillbilly Shangri-La that is Walmart. The People of Walmart disappoint me, because in every single one of these pictures, they should be bowing down and showering her with the coupons they cut out from the PennySaver, because this is their queen. Brit Brit dressed up for them and everything and they failed to pay tribute to her. For shame.
Yes, that bruised and battered weave looks like it has more grease in it than the back of Matthew McConaughey’s panties, but the worst part of this look is at the opposite end of her body. Brit Brit is always killing me softly with her UGGs. I am way too hungover and not daytime drunk enough to deal with that shit. I think those tin man UGGs gave me mercury poisoning.
Sammy (as played by Kevin J. O’Connor), Annelle’s bunny suit-wearing piece from Steel Magnolias.
Steel Magnolias has been on all weekend (actually, I’m pretty sure Steel Magnolias is ALWAYS on, which is the way that it should be) and I’ve been watching the Easter scenes over and over again. They should’ve made a sequel out of the Easter scenes, because so much happens. Those dumb asses break all the Easter eggs in the car trunk, Clairee tells Shelby’s kid a beautiful Easter story, Ouiser gets bitch slapped by a blond moppet, Annelle’s baby starts its long journey down her birthin’ canal and Sammy gets a ride to the hospital on the back of a motorcycle while wearing a bunny suit.
Next to Donnie Darko and the bunny in Fatal Attraction, Sammy is my favorite movie bunny rabbit. Usually, Easter Bunnies are nightmares covered in white fur, but there was nothing terrifying about Sammy’s Easter Bunny. I mean, what’s so horrifying about a broken down Easter Bunny who stumbled around like a zombie and had human hands instead of bunny hands? And are those leg warmers he’s wearing? The most fashion-forward Easter Bunny ever.
Happy Easter (or Zombie Jesus Day), everyone! Now, it’s almost time for the Easter Buh-knee.
Christopher Walken (70)
Jessica Szohr (28)
Josh Saviano (37)
Ewan McGregor (42)
Samantha Brown (43)
Deborah Kara Unger (49)
Tony Cox (55)
Angus Young (58)
Al Gore (65)
Rhea Perlman (65)
Valerie Curtin (68)
Gabe Kaplan (68)
Richard Chamberlain (79)
Shirley Jones (79)
