Niurka Marcos, the Cuban sea orchid who I almost died at the feet of yesterday. And now I'm making our new love official!

The Go Fug Girls already ended up with a defibrillator pad on their chests over Niurka's "It comes from the sea" beauty and so they've spent time in the library computer lab researching every detail of her life. Here's a few things they've discovered along with some shit I read on Latin Gossip:

Niurka rolled out of an oyster 42 years ago.

Niurka has been married to three different dudes in the past six years. When she divorced her third husband, she told the press that she was afraid she got some kind of crotch disease because he had been cheating on her with a tranny prostitute (too easy).

Niurka once slapped the head of TVyNovela after he published pictures of her underage children smoking cigarettes.

Niurka was a star on Celebrity Big Brother in Mexico. In 2008, she had her own show called Espectacularmente Niurka where she interviewed bitches in a Jacuzzi. Mel Gibson has just announced that he's going to give his first tell-all interview to Espectacularmente Niurka.

Niurka recently broke up with Eduardo Antonio (the gay Eddie Munster looking nugget in white in the pictures below)

And if that hasn't won me the case, here's a few pictures of Niurka wearing outfits usually worn by day shift strippers to work the floor for lap dances.