Since Lindsay Lohan wants to continue her streak of fucking things up, she has decided to not hire the dazzling legal showman that is Stuart V. Goldberg (aka the sole reason why rhinestones sparkle). Over the weekend, Mr. Goldberg flew into my life on a tanned Pegasus when it was reported that he was LiLo's newest attorney. Well, TMZ farted on my dream bubble that holds an image of Mr. Goldberg waltzing with White Oprah in the court room by reporting that he is not LiLo's main legal bitch after all. LiLo is going to give Robert Shapiro the job instead.

Sources close to Mr. Goldberg (*cough*Oompa Loompas*cough*) claim that LiLo simply couldn't afford his services and he refused to work for free. Mr. Goldberg was probably highly offended when LiLo offered to pay him with boxes of that Sevin Nyne shit! How dare that dumb bitch LiLo assume that Mr. Goldberg covers his precious skin with fake tan diarrhea! That can't be further from the truth. It's obvious that Mr. Goldberg achieves that George Hamilton glow by directly smiling at a mirror. The sunshiney rays from his teeth ricochet off the mirror and softly caress his skin.

However, sources close to LiLo say that she didn't go with Mr. Goldberg, because she thinks he's just a little too "eccentric." Yes, TOO ECCENTRIC! Can you believe that shit? Actually, I can believe it, because LiLo is a piece of garbage that not even Trash Heap would hump on. The same goes for White Oprah. Those two gutter hags wouldn't know elegance and class if it was wrapped in slimy orange leather and topped with a dollop of whipped silver. They are just not culturally refined enough for Mr. Goldberg. So it's back to Chicago for Mr. Goldberg! And back to chasing ambulances in his Lamborghini (I'm not making that up).