Just like when Brit Brit mowed her swamp weave and when Felicity took a machete to her curly hair mane, the children are losing their shit (put a diaper on ‘em) over 11-year-old Willow Smith snipping her hair whip off and I’m sure you’ve already seen this highly important world news on CNN Jr.
The newest Smith Family ATM Machine posted a Tweeted of pictures of her buzzed cue ball and my first thought was: Stop making fucking fart faces or it will stay like that forever and then Will & Jada will have a really hard time making more money off of you. My second thought was: Oh, so that’s what a real life Oscar from Shark Tale looks like. No, really, shaving her head totally brings out the Will Smith in her face.
Unless Khia announces that she’s running for President on the Bust A Nut Party’s ticket, my vote goes to Roseanne who is promising us a change we can smoke up! Roseanne officially announced on Twitter last night that she has filed all of the paperwork to run for President as a Green Party candidate. If the Four Horsemen, locusts, false prophets and dead fish are allowed to vote, Roseanne will become President in 2012 and she says that she will legalize the good shit in every state, wipe away everybody’s credit card debts and give us a European-style healthcare system. Roseanne had me checking her name on the ballot at “legalize the good shit.” But Roseanne’s promises do sound like some crap you’d read on a 14-year-old’s “If I Were President” essay.
This is the statement she released to E! News about her latest STUNT QUEEN move:
“I am pleased to announce that I am seeking the Green Party’s nomination for President of these United States of America. The Democrats and Republicans have proven that they are servants—bought and paid for by the 1%—who are not doing what’s in the best interest of the American people. As a long time supporter of the Green Party, I look forward to working with people who share my values. Behold the greening of America!”
Roseanne is
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Yeah, that screenshot does look like a poodle in Marilyn Monroe drag begging for a treat….
It’s the return of Madge thrusting her seasoned and weathered boy toy catcher right in your face. To whore out her Super Bowl halftime show on Sunday, Madge birthed out her video for that song that still sounds like an auto-tuned Toni Basil queef and this mess is the weirdest joint commercial between Old Navy and Target I’ve ever seen. Seriously, this video is a Magic the Dog cameo away from being an Old Navy commercial inspired by the cinematic classic Sugar & Spice as seen through the eyes of a David LaChapelle wannabe.
It’s kind of like what happens when Lourdes spikes Madge’s morning Benefiber with liquid acid. Madge busts out her spandex-covered crotch, suffocates a baby doll with her dry titty faucet, makes a team of young pieces grope her ass and relives the glory days by Like A Virgin-ing (with a dash of Material Girl and Vogue) herself. Usually when Madge is humping on a brick wall, I get Sally O’Malley meets Baby Jane vibes, but I didn’t this time, so I don’t hate it at all and her face does look as flawless as a shellacked Tupperware lid. But I’ll probably like it a lot more when Sue Sylvester eventually does this video on Glee.
And Glittery Gays of YouTube, you know what to do.
The police finally found a way to keep George Michael from loitering. – magusxxx
Runners-up:
© Lorena Bobbit. – marcusbacus
If you thought drinking Donkey jizz was bad, Fear Factor’s newest segment called “would you rather…” also features Blohan’s firecrotch. – tonicbitch
A never before seen photograph from the Heaven’s Gate compound. – BaconSlut
via Break
Jemima Packington, the world’s only known Asparamancer who makes predictions by tossing asparagus (not a euphemism) into the air and then reads the shapes they form after they’ve landed. The Miss Cleo of vegetables, who sort of looks like if Roseanne played Professor Trelawney in that Harry Potter shit, has been making predictions for years and she accurately predicted the fall of Gordon Brown, the credit crisis and The King’s Speech winning Oscars. Jemima tells This Is Somerset that she inherited the gift of reading plants and shit from her great auntie who used to read tea leaves:
“It might sound silly to some people but my readings are very accurate. I have been doing readings using asparagus since I was eight years old. My great aunt read tea leaves and I have inherited her gift.”
For 2012, the asparagus told her that the Euro will crash (duh), two British Royal baby friends will be born (pleasepleaseplease let one of those babies be Prince Hot Ginge and Layla Flaherty’s) and a high-profile Brit will become one with death.
Jemima the Asparamancer (“Asparamancer” is also what you call someone who likes to read love poems and play love songs on their ukulele to asparagus) doesn’t do private readings, but she will be showing off her skills at the British Asparagus Festival on April 23rd. I don’t need to throw some asparagus up into the air to predict that the toilets at that festival will be nothing but puddles of plastic and misery by the end of the day.
via The Hairpin
Morgan Fairchild (62)
Tallulah Belle Willis (18)
Sean Kingston (22)
Daddy Yankee (35)
Isla Fisher (36)
Elisa Donovan (41)
Warwick Davis (42)
Maura Tierney (47)
Linda Eder (51)
Thomas Calabaro (53)
Nathan Lane (56)
Lee Ranaldo (56)
Brenda Dickson (63)
Blythe Danner (69)
Remember when Kristen Stewart got a whole lot of shit thrown at her face for basically saying that she feels like someone needs to hand her a rape kit after the paparazzi takes her picture? Well, she continued to whisper sweet nothings into the faces of the paparazzi in Paris recently. After the human version of a skater boy’s scab signed a bunch of autographs, she turned to her soulmates the paparazzi and told them to freeze to death (at the 0:42 mark). That was an early Valentine’s Day gift from KStew to the paps. You know, if the paparazzi took a few steps back until they reached Eastern Europe, they could freeze to death! That Kristen. So fucking topical.
(Thanks Robin)
In their ongoing battle to see who can be the biggest cunt in all the land, Madge has just jumped a million spaces ahead of Elton John with one little quote to Newsweek about her ticket prices. If you’ve ever complained about paying $300 to see Madge rub the dick muscle on her armpit (that is a dick growing out of her armpit, right?) against an 18-year-old backup dancer, then shut your mouth. Start saving your coins by only eating tap water and ketchup packets for the next ten months, because she’s worth it. Newsweek asked Madge what she thinks about her fans complaining that her ticket prices cost more than some people’s monthly car payment and the cunt angels sang her name when she said this:
“So start saving your pennies now. People spend $300 on crazy things all the time, things like handbags. So work all year, scrape the money together, and come to my show. I’m worth it.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love that even IN THIS ECONOMY, Madge is still a solid gold bitch to the 99%. But she does bring up a good point. Would you rather spend $300 on a leather bag you get to keep forever or do you want to spend $300 on watching a plastic bag thrust around a stage for 90 minutes. That’s like a
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Before you wonder how in the hell the guy on the left won a George Clooney look-alike contest in Ireland, I should remind you it’s Ireland. They were all tanked! Get drunk, look at this picture and you’ll see that he looks like George Clooney. Actually, he’d probably look more like Rosemary Clooney with a buzz cut, but close enough! – Videogum
Brad Pitt likes “cock” – Lainey Gossip
The word “career” should sue Lindsay Lohan for slander and defamation of character since bitch hasn’t had one for a while – The Superficial
And Beyonce will slip Jennifer Aniston her surrogate’s business card in 3..2.. – Celebitchy
Praise Christina Hendricks’ magnificent chichis – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
It took me a few blinks to realize the one on the right isn’t a Ginger Spice wax figure – Hollywood Tuna
Azealia Banks comes out as a lover of peen and poon – Towleroad
So much tragedy in a grey wool beanie – Popoholic
If I was Amanda Seyfried, I’d be more terrified about what Glamour did to my face on the cover – ICYDK
Take your pants off and get comfortable if a topless Chris Evans is your thing – Popsugar
Top Ramen noodles = Taylor Momsen’s crunchy weave - Just Jared
More French peen – (NSFW) OMG Blog
But where is Cindy Snow? – SOW
Jeremy Piven looks different – I’m Not Obsessed
What is that strange clear liquid dripping out of my eye? - The Daily What
ANGRY SEAL ALERT - Hollywood Rag
And I’ve still seen some NYC apartments that are worse than this – Cityrag
Multi-millionaire supermodel Gisele Bundchen went to the e-mail room in her $20 million custom built dream mansion and wrote a note to her family and friends asking them to ask the lord above to help her multi-millionaire quarterback husband win his fourth Super Bowl ring on Sunday. The New York Post somehow got a hold of the e-mail (SPOILER ALERT: They prayed for it) and published it on their cover this morning:
My sweet friends and family,
This sunday will be a really important day in my husband’s life. He and his team worked so hard to get to this point and now they need us more than ever to send them positive energy so they can fulfill their dream of winning this super bowl . . .
I feel Tommy really needs our prayer, our support and love at this time.
So I kindly ask all of you to join me on this positive chain and pray for him, so he can feel confident, healthy and strong. Envision him happy and fulfilled experiencing with his team a victory this sunday.
Thank you for your love and support. Love, G
”
What a selfish bitch. Doesn’t Gis know that it’s award season? It’s God’s busiest time of year, even busier than Christmas (side note: Does God call Christmas “Sonmas“?)!
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