Seen here licking up the dollar signs that regularly blow out of Pimp Mama Kris’ ass at Ellen K’s Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony last week, Ryan Seacrest is moving out of his Hobbit cottage and into a gigantic ass estate that’s almost bigger than his home village of Hobbiton in the Shire. Both the Hollywood Reporter and TMZ say that Ryan is now the proud owner of Ellen Degeneres’ $49 million compound. It’s the estate that the Kuntrashians and American Idol bought!
TMZ is hearing that Ryan is paying only a couple million dollars below asking, but a different source tells THR that Joel McHale’s littlest arch rival is paying far from asking. It doesn’t matter if Ryan paid with a giant pot of gold or with an adorable leprechaun jig, he’s still calling three acres in Beverly Hills “home.” On the three acres is a 9,200-square-foot mansion, a 3-bedroom house, 2 guest houses and a pool that Ryan may drown in if he forgets to wear his water wings. Ellen bought the place in 2007 for $29 million and spent five years and several million dollars building the other properties on the estate. Ellen listed it a year ago for $60 million but later reduced that shit to $49 million. Real estate agent Kurt Rappaport worked out the deal for both
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What fuckery hath Time Magazine wrought? Yes, that’s Jason Biggs, and no, I don’t know why either. – SOW
NeNe Leakes goes from choking out Kim Zolciak to verbally choking out Ellen Barkin – Towleroad
I don’t mind Casper Smart’s sunglasses, but that’s probably because I think there’s something adorable about babies wearing glasses – Lainey Gossip
I do not condone hacking, but I do condone making William Levy’s fuck tapes acceptable to my parts – Celebitchy
Mena Suvari’s ex-husband is trying real hard to get into the Gold Digging Hall of Fame – The Superficial
Charlize Theron in InStyle – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Why did my brain have to tell my eyes that this isn’t Callista Gingrich – Hollywood Tuna
And I’d still put my mouth on every single one of them – The Berry
Popping babies brought the sexy out of MiserAlba – Popoholic
Michael Ass Bender’s on-screen piss stream might have gained him a fan in Kim Kardashian, but it lost him an Oscar – ICYDK
The LOOK: All of this is – OMG Blog
Freddie Prinze Jr. actually spotted out in the wild – Popsugar
PedoBear’s second cousin? – Cityrag
RiRi delivers some fucked up CleoCATra glamour - Just Jared
Yoga turtle Russell Simmons defends RiRi’s honor - Crunk + Disorderly
Isabel Lucas at some festival – Hollywood Rag
Katherine Heigl and her husband named their daughter Adalaide. Seriously. – I’m Not Obsessed
You have to be a new kind of dumb to bring out your cell phone in front of noted phone thief and lady beater Chris Brown – Celebslam
Who doesn’t fiddle with their crotch at their desk? Sometimes fiddling with your crotch is the only thing that gets you through the work day. I’m sure you’re fiddling with your crotch right now. Sara Eisen of Bloomberg TV knows what we’re tall talking about, but unfortunately for her the camera person didn’t tell her to cease fiddling before he put crotch on live TV! A bunch of people saw London, saw France, saw whatever the hell was blocking Sara’s underpants. No, seriously, what is that?
The smart and reasonable people out there will try to convince me that Sara’s got a wireless mic pack or something up her skirt. But since I am neither smart nor reasonable, I cannot be convinced that Bloomberg TV knows how to party and that’s really a giant black strap-on under Sara’s skirt. Giuliana Rancic better start looking for a new job, because Ryan Seacrest has just found his new co-host on E! News.
You see Tommy Girl making the rock ‘n roll sign, but I see Tommy making the salad tosser sign. Well, I can’t help it that I see a tiny butt crack when Tommy puts his ring and middle finger together.
To sell his new movie Cock of Ages, Tommy worked his weave and flexed his cum gutters for W Magazine (click here to see all the piping hot heterosexualness) and also gave an interview to Playboy. (When Tommy says he reads Playboy for the articles, nobody accuses of him of lie-telling.) In the interview with Playboy, Tommy talks about never tucking his face, acting the fool in interviews and sending his lawyers after gossiping bitches. Tommy actually sounds like his head is on earth with the rest of us and not floating up in Xenu’s kingdom, and that tells me that Scientology’s doctors must have invented a “vitamin” that temporarily sedates the crazy in a bitch. Here’s a few choice quotes from Tommy’s tea time with Playboy:
On how he maintains his beauty at the age of 49: “I honestly have no idea. [laughs] I work. I’m always with family. I train, go without sleep. I just go hard.”
On if a plastic surgeon’s scalpel has ever touched his face: “I haven’t, and I never would.”
On how 30-year-old Tommy is different from almost 50-year-old Tommy: “I’ve always had the same
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As expected, John Doe #1 dropped his $2 million sexual harassment lawsuit against John Travolta after his lawyer broke up with him. John Doe #1 might file the lawsuit again if he gets another lawyer, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen since he’s probably too busy counting the stack of money he magically found in an E.T. duffel bag stashed in the bushes outside of the Scientology Center. Speaking of settlements, John Doe #2 isn’t being shy about asking for one. John Doe #2’s lawyer, the same one who dropped John Doe #1, tells Radar that his client will happily settle with John Travolta for a rock bottom price of $250,000. Just like John Doe #1, John Doe #2 is suing Travolta for $2 million. Bitch is giving Travolta a steal!
John Doe #2’s lawyer Okorie Okorocha says that his client doesn’t really went to relive the gross memory of being groped by Travolta in that suite in Atlanta and wants to be done with all of this:
“My client will settle for $250k to make this go away quickly and without having any further action being taken in this case. My client wants his life back and for that to happen at this point we would be willing to accept a settlement. I have been speaking with Marty Singer about establishing the ground rules
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The pile of ground horse meat that is the sanctity of marriage is slightly twitching with life today, because Tan Mom’s complexion idol Linda Hogan has decided to slip off the engagement ring given to her by her boy toy look-alike of four years Charlie Hill. After whoring themselves out for some spotlight time and a quick check on Vh1’s “Couples Therapy,” the ghost of Lindsay Lohan’s future looks and Nick Hogan’s ex-best friend decided to stop bumping jerkyfied genitals for good. Linda’s lawyer issued this statement to Fox 411’s PopTarts that completely shoots down the theory that a couple that peroxides together, stays together.
“There was a lot of therapy involved, and the couple realized they needed to do their own thing. The realization came this weekend. But it was a mutual decision, and a whole new chapter for both of them.”
Every chapter in Linda Hogan’s life was written by Stephen King and the next one will be no exception and that’s the only reason why I’m posting this shit. Linda Hogan will terrorize again! So if you’re the parent of a bleached blond teenage son whose favorite meal is an overcooked Hillshire Farms kielbasa with fried hash browns on top, then immediately chain one of his arms to the water heater. If the police find out and try to arrest you for false imprisonment, just look them in the eye and simply say, “Linda Hogan is single again.” The next sound you’ll hear is the police handcuffing your son’s other arm to the water heater. It’s that serious!
At the Men in Black 3 premiere in Berlin yesterday, Will Smith, Josh Brolin and Nicole ScherMINGEr all received a lesson in sophistication and style when Germany’s high priestess of class Micaela Schäfer floated onto the red carpet wearing a stunning couture ensemble exclusively made by your old shitty VHS player that ate almost every tape. Micaela, who was diagnosed with elegant-itis which causes beauties to overheat if they wear actual clothes, showed us all that it doesn’t take much to look like the epitome of a lady. All you need is a dog chain collar from Petco, black panties, an 80s belt from the Salvation Army, barf from a VHS tape, a pair of camera-ready nipples and zero amounts of shame.
Yes, it’s true that after the premiere, janitors mistook Micaela for a shredded trash bag that was ransacked by raccoons and threw her into a dump truck, but I’m sure she looked absolutely gorgeous as she climbed out of the landfill.
Personally, the only rapper I want to hear from when it comes to the topic of gay marriage is Chris “Daddy Mac” Smith from Kris Kross, but in the meantime I guess we’ll listen to what Jay-Z has to say about this. During a talk with CNN’s Poppy Harlow (Side Note: I wish my name was Poppy Harlow.) about stuff, Jay-Z was asked if he’s Yay-Z or Nay-Z for marriage being legal for everyone. Jay-Z co-signed what Obama had to say:
“I’ve always thought it as something that was still holding the country back. What people do in their own homes is their business and you can choose to love whoever you love. That’s their business. It’s no different than discriminating against blacks. It’s discrimination plain and simple.”
Jay-Z also said that it really doesn’t matter if Obama’s support costs him some votes, because it was the right thing to do as a human being.
Because I am pretty much a professional nitpicker, my irises took a few steps to the side at the word “choose” and moved all the way to the side at the word “in their own homes.” This is rich coming from a multi-millionaire who owns 45 mansions across the world including an estate covered with iridescent dolphin tears on an island in Antarctica that you can only get to by
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“Sorry, Mr. Seacrest, but a deal’s a deal. I don’t want them anymore either. -Satan – tonicbitch
Runners-up:
Found in the shower drain at the Odom residence. – Skinnymalinky
Demi, stop following Ashton around. He’s not coming back. – MardiGras
Is that from The Ring? No it’s Madonna’s career trying desperately to get back to her. – Glen
via Buzzfeed
