Birthday Sluts

Tina Fey (43)
Spencer Breslin (21)
Ryan Cooley (25)
Matt Long (33)
Jack Johnson (38)
Chantal Kreviazuk (39)
Martika (44)
Sandra (51)
Chow Yun-Fat (58)
George Strait (61)
Terry Zwigoff (64)
Reggie Jackson (67)
Robert Morse (82)

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

She hates the paps, and she’s been burned by the paps. So now she’s dealing with the paps and is working exclusively with one agency, agreeing to give them photos on a regular basis. The agreement started several months ago when she approached one agency in exchange for information on a paparazzo working for another agency. She wanted names, plates, any details available, presumably in hopes of either legal retribution, if possible, and illegal retribution, if necessary. Very gangster.

The only problem with making this kind of arrangement is that you have to deliver. And if you don’t deliver as often as the paps want, and on the kind of photos that are lucrative, they’ll take what they can get, show up when they’re not supposed to, and that compromises the control she was attempting to secure in the first place. Very Faustian. (Lainey Gossip)

Julia Roberts or Halle Berry? Julia Roberts has definitely unlocked her velociraptor jaw to swallow paparazzos whole, but I'll go with Halle Berry. Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez seem like the kind of bitches who will send their "cousins" over to a pap's house for a little street juice. 

"I love hanging out with ___________ (A list celebrity/athlete who everyone in the world knows) because when he is around I get some great pussy. Really classy stuff, unlike what I usually get from my groupies. He and I have shared a lot over the years." B+ list singer with A list name recognition talking about how he can't wait to see the A list celebrity this weekend. (CDAN)

Yogi Berra and Tom Jones? Or Kobe Bryant and Wheelchair Jimmy? 

This B list male celebrity if you like that kind of performance, and a D if you don't, had a visit recently. Well, actually our celebrity and his live-in B list celebrity with A list name recognition girlfriend had a visitor. It turns out that one of the people that the B/D list celebrity had been cheating with has gotten herself in the family way. It will be very interesting to see if our celebrity couple are seen together at a big event this weekend where he is expected to attend. (CDAN)

The "big event" I'm guessing is the Billboard Musical Awards, so maybe this is about Whiz Khalifa and Amber Rose? Or that dude from fun. and Lena Dunham? 

Afternoon Crumbs

"Why is that dominatrix ice sculpture blinking?" asked hundreds of party guests at Calvin Klein's Cannes party - Lainey Gossip

Oh how Ryan Seacrest wishes that the OTHER Hough was wearing this outfit instead - Hollywood Tuna

Pictures that have me wondering if I should maybe try to work out this weekend... But wait, fapping while eating a quesadilla at the same time is considered exercise, right? - The Berry  

Like the Kane and Kim are going to even last that long - The Superficial

Those wolf brows make Sofia Vergara look like my Tio Jorge - Drunken Stepfather

The shit Detective La Toya will do for a check - Jezebel

I bet a Madge vs. Goopy cat fight looks like wax-covered two praying mantises playing a super aggressive game of patty cake   - Celebitchy

George Michael got into another car crash and thankfully Snappy Snaps wasn't involved this time around - Towleroad

Edward Furlong must love hanging out with cops - ICYDK

You just can't take the Coachella out of Vanessa Hudgens - Popoholic

BUT IS PHOEBE PRICE OKAY?!!! - HuffPo

Keith Urban doesn't want to let go of the millions of dollars FOX pays him to do nothing - Reality Tea

Rooney Mara looks like the ghost of Ichabond Crane in daytime drag - Popsugar

If only we all had elegant moves like this - OMG Blog

Amanda Bynes is totally going to Photoshop her crotch on Wheelchair Jimmy's face - I'm Not Obsessed

Justin Bieber is still dressing like a rejected extra from House Party 2 - Just Jared

F/M/K time! I'd kill Charles Barkley, fuck The Rock and marry Shaq, because he's the richest - SOW

The CAPTION THIS Contest For May 17th!

Open Post: Hosted By Jason Bateman And Will Arnett

Finally, an IT couple I can get behind. I mean that both figuratively and literally. Looking like a young in-love couple seeing NYC for the first time, Jason Bateman and Will Arnett held hands while strolling down the sidewalk of love in front of the paparazzi yesterday. I was going to ask which one's the top and which one's the bottom, but they don't get into that. They just spoon and whisper lyrics to Michael Bolton love songs into each other's ears. Will is the big spoon.

The World Will Be Graced By The Presence Of Another Holy One, Reportedly

The forgotten children of Destiny who aren't already part of Beyonce and Jay-Z's household staff might want to forward their resumes to House of Dereon's human resources department, because they might be looking for a second team of nannies. E!'s sources say that the rumors that Blue Ivy Carter's sibling is baking in a womb right now are true. Apparently, Beyonce is knocked up with a bey-be.

E! didn't have any information other than that. But if this blind item from Blind Gossip is true, then Beyonce is having twins:

This married couple has a fascinating dilemma on their hands!

They tried to get pregnant. After a miscarriage, they went the surrogate route. The surrogate produced a happy, healthy baby.

The couple decided that they wanted another child. Logically, they decided to hire a surrogate again. The surrogate got pregnant… but so did the wife!

The couple is totally shocked! Both pregnancies are still very early on, and there is no guarantee that both women will carry to term, so there will no announcements for a while. But they are already talking about the possibilities.

If both women can successfully carry to term, will they keep both children? Admit to a surrogate? Pretend that the wife gave birth to twins? If only the surrogate carries successfully to term, will they admit to the surrogate? Pretend that the wife gave birth?

It certainly is an interesting dilemma!

If they have twins, they can name one Red Vines and the other one White Fern. Red, White and Blue! All the colors of the American Cuban flag!

The Bling Ring Movie Brought Parasite Hilton To Tears

Five years ago, when Wonky McValtrex was still the reigning fame whore queen of the ho stroll, she left her front door unlocked like the dumb shit she is and that allowed the Bling Ring to slip into her house and steal a bunch of crap from her. The Bling Ring did this five times, because just like Wonky's coochie, her house is really easy to get into. Sofia Coppola made a movie about it and that movie premiered at Cannes last night. Since Wonky has a cameo in the movie and let Sofia shoot inside her house, she went to the premiere and brought her 8-month-old boy toy River Viiperi with her.

At the after-party for the movie, Wonks told Vulture that watching the movie made her cry out tears from her one good eye. Wonks didn't cry, because the movie made her think of the days when she was still relevant. Wonks cried, because it reminded her of all the times she was violated by the Bling Ring.

"I was really emotional watching it. During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, 'Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.' It's so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them."

("Now you know how we feel, bitch!" said the hundreds of thousands of peens whose owners violated them by forcing them into Wonky's crusty chocha cave of doom)

When Vulture asked Wonks about the burglaries, she said that she sort of feels bad for the guy burglar, because he only stole that stuff to impress the girl burglar. Wonks didn't know the names of any of the burglars who burglarized her house FIVE TIMES. Then at the end of the interview, some dude asked Wonks for a picture and she said, "Yeah, bitch."

Maybe it's because I'm nostalgic or because I've been suffering from Kardashian-itis for way too long, but sometimes I actually miss this useless piece of vapid trash. Her brand of dumbness can be really entertaining. And now that we've all laughed at her dumbness like it was 2006, we can go back to not missing her.

Here's Wonks and her fetus-aged boyfriend grossing everyone out last night. Somebody please call CPS, because I think Wonks gave that child seven kinds of VD.

Princess Charlene Of Monaco Might Be Getting On This

MSN NZ (via Lainey) says that a newspaper in Spain claims that Princess Charlene of Monaco is pulling some Princess Diana shit by having an affair with a rugby player. The rumor is that Princess Charlene wasn't at the coronation of the new Dutch king with her husband Prince Albert, because she riding on some rugby dick in South Africa instead.

The rugby player who Princess Charlene is supposedly boning on the down low is 36-year-old Byron Kelleher of New Zealand. Byron plays for Stade Français and he handles all of the rugby projects for Princess Charlene's sports-focused charitable foundation. Sources say that when they're not working on charity shit together, they're working over each other's asses. Byron is a friend of Princess Charlene and Prince Albert and was a guest at their wedding in 2011. He also went to the Amalfi Coast with them last year.

A royal spokeswhore for the Prince and Princess had no comment and said they were unable to talk to Charlene about this, because she was currently being forced to watch her husband's henchman give her lover thirty lashings.

It's obvious to absolutely everyone that Princess Charlene and Prince Pierced Dick are only married for show and only stand next to each other when his family makes them or when there's cameras in front of them. Basically, their marriage is like 95% of the marriages out there. And Prince Albert is probably sticking his tongue in a pile of ass every night, so why shouldn't Princess Charlene? If this is true, Princess Charlene probably broke some royal law and will be shackled to a stone wall for the rest of her life, but what's the point of living if you're not going to risk your freedom for some good dick, right?

Here's Princess Charlene and Princess Albert looking happier than ever at some event yesterday. Jodie Foster and Richard Gere had more romantic chemistry in Sommersby than these two.

Courtney Stodden Made A Sex Tape

While some "stars" are posing on the Cannes red carpet in $10,000 designer gowns and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Chopard something-other-than-Chopard jooree, the true star of Hollywood posed in the doorway of a builder grade red bathroom while wearing exquisite lucite heels, the finest gown from Windsor Fashions and a stuffed animal stole. You can always count on Courtney Stodden to remind us how a real classy jewel of Hollywood does it.

Believe it or not, posing in the doorway of a bathroom in West Hollywood isn't the sexiest thing Courtney has done lately. The porn iguana tells E! that Backdoor Farrah isn't the only talentless, plastic fame whore who has spread her Arby's roast beef special in front of a camera. Courtney says that she made a solo sex tape and she plans to keep it private, which is why she's talking about it to E!.

The tape, Stodden tells us at the Shekhar Rahate fashion show in Los Angeles Thursday, is "not out in the media" nor is it on her computer, and she advises wannabe hackers not to get their hopes up.

"Hackers, don't even go there cause you'll find nothing," Doug Hutchison's wife tells us about poking around her computer.
As for what's on the tape, it's "just me," she claims, adding that it wasn't shot too long ago. "I turned 18 in August, so you do the math."

The buxom blonde declined to give any more details—"I don't want to put any images in people's mind; I'm gonna leave it up to you guys to think what you want"—but insisted she has no plans to release it.
"No, this is personal," she says.

Courtney has truly underestimated the hackers, because I have EXCLUSIVO footage from her solo sex tape:

I know, it was wrong of me to post that. My apologies to the iguana in the solo sex tape above for comparing him to Courtney Stodden. No iguana deserves that.

And here's Courtney putting the "old" and "ho" in old Hollywood during her bathroom doorway photo shoot last night. A slow clap for the mortician at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for doing their best work on Courtney's face.

Mimi Did Not Lip-Synch On American Idol Last Night, So Says Mimi

I turned on the TV about halfway-ish through the American Idol finale last night and when the sight of Frankie Valli performing with the losing dudes hit my eyes, I immediately scrambled for safety by changing the channel to anything but that. I was one hundred percent sober and it was too much messiness for my eyes, ears and soul to take. The only gore I want to see on a Thursday night is Dr. Lecter making meat flan out of human bone marrow on Hannibal. But I probably should've kept watching that mess to catch the unicorn nightingale that is Mimi possibly lip-synch for her life!

While wearing Barbie's Christmas time wedding gown circa 1987, Mimi coated the ear canals of her lambs with pixie dust when she sang a medley of some of her hits. The lambs ate it up with a Hello Kitty spoon, but some people on Twitter declared that Mimi's lip-synch performance was so bad that a deaf baby high on Novocaine could've done a better lip-synch job. But Mimi's reps tell Entertainment Tonight that she did yodel out organic musical notes and did not move her mouth to a track:

Well, ET can set the record straight as Mariah's reps tell us she absolutely sang the entire medley -- Vision of Love, Make It Happen, My All, Hero, We Belong Together and her new single #Beautiful -- completely live! Not only that, but we hear she delighted the crowd in between live shots by singing additional hits.

To me, sometimes it looks like she's really singing and other times it looks like she's yawning while Windex-ing an imaginary window. Who knows and I doubt Mimi really cares. It's only American Idol, bitch isn't coming back next season and I'm sure her final paycheck from FOX cleared before she went onstage. Mimi is onto other things like overseeing the design of a giant replica of a unicorn's anus for her and Nick to exchange their vows in front of on their fifth and a half wedding anniversary.

Here's the chick who won, the chick who lost, a deranged chola Muppet and Glamberace at last night's season finale party.