At a few West Coast theaters this Friday, Diane Keaton’s dog weepie Darling Companion and the documentary Chimpanzee will make room in the theatrical line-up for one more animal movie, the docufiction Otter 501. That’s right. While the rest of the world was distracted by the latest superhero shawarma scandal, the rapidly growing field of wildlife documentaries produced a transmedia movie in a genre you might have never heard of. About otters. And in a few weeks, this spring’s primates, canines, and water weasels will migrate to the DVD shelf, replaced by their summer counterparts in Madagascar 3, Ice Age: Continental Drift, and Piranha 3DD. There will, in other words, always be a creature feature at the movie theater.
Animals have always been celluloid stars: the Lumière brothers exhibited short films of horses and cats years before the first feature-length film. But the last few years have seen a flood (or is that an ark?) of animal movies. The wildlife doc, for example, is the industry’s newest success story. For example, Disneynature, founded only in 2008, has released four of the top ten highest-grossing documentaries of all time. The interest in looking at animals certainly seems limitless: the popularity of pet videos on YouTube, cable channels like Animal Planet and National Geographic, high-profile docs like March of the Penguins and Project Nim, and the 101 talking animal movies Hollywood released last year certainly attests to that. But while many of the animals on smaller-scale media like television and Internet videos are simply recorded and presented as they exist, the narrative requirements of feature films — a three-act story spanning 90-120 minutes — force movie animals to relate to humans so that we can identify with them…
Following in the footsteps of hit musical adaptations Billy Elliot, Wicked, and Bring It On: The Musical, Universal’s stage adaptation of John Landis’s Animal House will hit Broadway with a book by playwright Michael Mitnick, to be directed by Book of Mormon’s Casey Nicholaw, with music by the guys who sang the indelible lyrics “Chickity China the Chinese chicken/You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin’.” Because nothing says “Broadway” like frat boys and crunchy Canadian alt-rock, right? [THR]
One of these animals has two furry humps, isn’t housetrained, always has camel toe and has a pimp who takes money from strangers in exchange for a quick ride on its back. The other animal is a camel.
This is why this world just doesn’t make sense. If this world was right, those camels would be the ones riding those tacky trash trollops through Dubai. Just look at these stupid gaudy bitches. Wearing ugly platform clown heels and $5,000 kaftans to ride a damn camel! Sex and the City Number 2 was truly a satanic work of evil, because it gave idiots like this ideas.
Those poor camels. They can’t even bite at a trick. Sad camel is sadder camel.
Chelsea Handler used to spend most of her nights wearing a lion mask and trying to scratch at Animal Planet’s Dave Salmoni while he tamed her wild pussy, but not anymore. Chelsea has hung up her lion head for now and is no longer nibbling on Salmoni’s salami. On her show last night, Chelsea pretty much announced that she has demoted Dave from full-time to occasional temp for whatever reason. Chelsea put it like this:
“Up until a couple weeks ago, I was working very intimately with the Animal Planet, but unfortunately, that contract was terminated. However, I enjoyed being in bed with them and may hook up for an occasional project.”
Oh, Chelsea shouldn’t give up on Animal Planet just yet. Yes, Dave handles lions in the wild and has a body that was built to be slobbered on, but obviously he wasn’t strong enough to take on Chelsea (or her morning vodka breath). Screw him! And screw the other dudes on the network too. Literally.
I’m convinced that the dudes on that network are all serious freaks. Take Cesar Millan for instance. Cesar is dominant during the day, but I bet he’s the opposite when the lights go out. Like he probably makes you poke at his peen and go “TS TS TS” before getting on him. And he loves it when you scream “Who’s the pack leader now, bitch” while you’re spanking on him as he’s running on the treadmill. Freaky ass freak! And he’s single! Yeah, Chelsea should definitely call him up.
Here’s Chelsea bringing that quote to life last night:
