The World Will Be Graced By The Presence Of Another Holy One, Reportedly

The forgotten children of Destiny who aren't already part of Beyonce and Jay-Z's household staff might want to forward their resumes to House of Dereon's human resources department, because they might be looking for a second team of nannies. E!'s sources say that the rumors that Blue Ivy Carter's sibling is baking in a womb right now are true. Apparently, Beyonce is knocked up with a bey-be.

E! didn't have any information other than that. But if this blind item from Blind Gossip is true, then Beyonce is having twins:

This married couple has a fascinating dilemma on their hands!

They tried to get pregnant. After a miscarriage, they went the surrogate route. The surrogate produced a happy, healthy baby.

The couple decided that they wanted another child. Logically, they decided to hire a surrogate again. The surrogate got pregnant… but so did the wife!

The couple is totally shocked! Both pregnancies are still very early on, and there is no guarantee that both women will carry to term, so there will no announcements for a while. But they are already talking about the possibilities.

If both women can successfully carry to term, will they keep both children? Admit to a surrogate? Pretend that the wife gave birth to twins? If only the surrogate carries successfully to term, will they admit to the surrogate? Pretend that the wife gave birth?

It certainly is an interesting dilemma!

If they have twins, they can name one Red Vines and the other one White Fern. Red, White and Blue! All the colors of the American Cuban flag!

Today's Side-Eye Throwdown Brought To You By Blue Ivy Carter

Paris is currently being cleansed the ethereal light shooting off of the chosen one's invisible halo, because Blue Ivy Carter is there with Beyonce and Jay-Z and all of them ate food at a restaurant today. B.I.C. is barely 1 years old and she's already taller than Kevin Hart (but who isn't?), which means that she's going to be at least 8 feet tall. That's the way nature intended her to be, because then she can really look down at the peons below her. And I'm sure everybody who publishes these pictures will soon get a letter from Blue Ivy Carter's lawyers, because I see her throwing a "you know I have to approve these pictures before you publish, right?" side-eye. Just like her mom!

Blue Ivy Carter Will Tower Over All Of Us

Soon, Blue Ivy Carter will look down on us regular peons both figuratively and literally. As Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter were walking to their SUV after having brunch at Buttermilk Channel in Brooklyn yesterday, someone was able to get a picture of the 14-month-old chosen one. They were able to take this picture right before Beyonce's bodyguards ordered them to bow down to the holy queens of the universe.

But seriously, there must be some serious kinds of growth hormones in the diamonds that Beyonce and Jay-Z feeds Blue Ivy Carter, because that is one tall one year old. Blue Ivy's line on the growth chart is above Kevin Hart's, Tommy Girl's and Ryan Seacrest's.

It must be those Timbs. Those baby Timbs are so damn heavy that they're stretching out her legs.

Source: Instagram via Bossip

Beyonce And Jay-Z Spent $200,000 On Blue Ivy's First Birthday

Because sometimes burning hundred dollar bills in their platinum and moon rock fireplace gets boring, so Beyonce and Jay-Z find other ways to waste loads of cash. To celebrate the birth of the chosen one, Beyonce and Jay-Z spend $200,000 on gifts and a party that I'm sure Blue Ivy Carter will remember for the rest of her life (SPOILER ALERT: Her 1-year-old brain already forgot about it).

The Sun says that Bey-Z invited all of their friends and family to Blue Ivy's birthday party to show them how much she's grown in a year, but mostly to show off all their loads of fucking money! Jay-Z and Beyonce spent $95,000 on the finest pink and white roses even though Blue Ivy would've been happy with a blue carnation from the grocery store. Jay-Z and Beyonce also spent around $30,000 on princess costumes and jewelry for the child guests even though they would've been happy with a plastic bag full of 99 Cent Store candy and plastic whistles. The adult guests got concert tickets and gold pens with Blue Ivy's name engraved on them.

And for Blue Ivy's gift, Beyonce and Jay-Z gave her an $80,000 custom made Barbie that was covered in diamonds. Some source said this to The Sun about the birthday party that cost more than your student loans:

“Nothing’s been too big or expensive for their little princess. They wanted her first birthday to set the tone for the rest of her life. They work hard for their money and the first thing they want to spend it on is their baby girl. It’s hard to imagine how they can top this next year — or what her Sweet Sixteen will be like.”

This is some Rich Kids of Instagram shit. If Blue Ivy Carter is like every other kid (she isn't), then in a few months that $80,000 Barbie will have a butch lezz buzz cut, her body will be covered in tattoos made with markers, she'll only have one leg, she'll have dog bite marks on her face from being a dog chew toy and all those diamonds that once covered her will be at the bottom of Blue Ivy's stomach. Don't worry, BIC will poop out those diamonds along with the other diamonds and piece of gold she shits out on the regular.

Night Crumbs

Sharon Stone's nipples want to have a staring contest with you - ICYDK

Every now and again Sharon Stone reminds us all that she has kids - Lainey Gossip

Andrew Garfield is a serious actor and only watched Spider-Man porn to research the real meaning behind "my spidey senses are tingling" - The Superficial

Gay Paree is about to get gayer - Towleroad

Lacey Chabert looking like a shrunken Jennifer Love Hewitt - Hollywood Tuna

This is one of the first times where I'll say that a phallic ice cream cone actually does sort of look like a misshapen pink peen - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Yallaw-haired vs. brown-haired - The Berry

Ann Curry should've pulled a Pumkin and blew a goodbye loogie at Matt Lauer on her way out - Celebitchy

No Doubt's single cover looks like neon diarrhea - Just Jared

Minka Kelly's sort of looks like she's got a really boring STD rash all over her legs (is that a secret wink to Derek Jeter?) - Popoholic

Emma Stone's dress looks like a cake - Popsugar

What is the meaning of Jennifer Hudson's bangs? - I'm Not Obsessed

Charlize Theron's dog gives good side-eye - Cityrag

....And so the cone bra-wearing begins - OMG Blog

Prepare your eyes for non-stop rolls, Beyonce and Jay-Z will hold court at the BET Awards - Crunk + Disorderly

The only time Snoop Dogg should be arrested on marijuana-related charges is when he DOESN'T have weed on him - Hollywood Rag

Tommy Girl is a scat queen - Videogum

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 8th!

In a blind taste test, two out of three participants prefer the taste of Ashton Kutcher over Charlie Sheen. - I am Legend

Runners-up:

Some people spit, some people swallow ...

Some people just save it for Guinness Book of World Records. - Cinesnatch

To combat rumors that they are spending too lavishly, Beyonce and Jay-Z only hired three testers to taste Blue Ivy's bubble bath. - OurMissC

(Thanks, Mark)

Beyonce And Jay-Z Will Try To Trademark The Color Blue In 3..2..

The next time you get a case of blue balls or a blue waffle infection, prepare yourself to get a letter from Beyonce and Jay-Z's team of lawyers, because they pretty much own the color blue now. NO BLUE FOR YOU! With blue skid marks in her weave, blue polish on her nails, a blue jacket on her back and Blue Ivy Carter (or maybe that's a blue sack of blue potatoes) cocooned into blue blankets, Beyonce went to lunch at Sant Ambroeus Restaurant in NYC yesterday with Jay-Z. BLUE! BLUE! BLUE BLUE! EVERYWHERE! It's a bluesplosion! Who in blue hell does Blueonce think she is? A Crip? Somebody jump her in.

Jay-Z And Beyonce Are Trademarking Blue Ivy Carter™

Beyonce and Jay-Z are making it clear that if anybody's going to make money off of their chosen one, it's going to be their asses. A few days after Blue Ivy Carter became the only baby born on earth (It's true. All our birth certificates are now null and void since B.I.C. is the only human that matters.), several hos tried to trademark her full name to use on a line of baby products. Those trademarks were stamped with a giant red DENIED and the trademark office said that the name already belonged to the most famous human on the planet. According to The Washington Post, Beyonce and Jay-Z are trying to stop future trademark filings by reserving the name Blue Ivy Carter for a future line of baby cosmetics (the fuck?), diaper bags, strollers and all sorts of other tacky baby shit.

One expert thinks Beyonce and Jay-Z's application will be approved right away since parents have the right to trademark the names of their underage kids. Another expert is side-eyeing all of this, because he thinks Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting special treatment since their application has been fast-tracked.

Two things: Welcome to Planet Bey-Z, second expert. Of course, Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting special treatment. The line always forms behind them and the phrase "take a number" is as foreign to them as natural sunlight is to Basement Baby. Second, I love how Beyonce and Jay-Z are really trying to act like they're just doing this to stop shady whores from making $$$ off their baby and they have no interest in putting out a line of baby product products. We all know that the shelves of Babies 'R Us will be soon covered with B.I.C. baby lace fronts and B.I.C. baby bodysuits with the words "Suri Who?" bedazzled on them.

In other Jay-Z news, if you're in the mood for an eye seizure, try to sit through Jay-Z and Kanye's video for N*ggas in Paris. WARNING: You might want to smoke a bowl of Blue Ivy Kush (no trademark) before entering strobe light fuckery hell.