Number five on my bucket list is to type the phrase “Betty White’s Twatter” at least once in my life and now I can check that box off, because Betty White has turned the Tweet birds into a choir of angels by officially joining Twitter last night. In just a few hours, our national treasure collected 105,043 followers, which is around 40 less than the notches on Blanche Devereaux’s bedpost. Who cares if Betty only joined that shit to pimp her Werther’s Originals Fun Time Hour Of Old People Pranks. Who cares if a young ass intern who thinks the Golden Girls was an E! reality show about a spray tan salon in Sherman Oaks is doing the typing for her. Who cares? I’ll say the same shit I say when I show up to a Craigslist trick’s apartment and quickly realize the picture he sent me was his head on Ryan Gosling’s body: I’ll take what I can get!
That being said, can Betty White please leave Gaycrest out of this? I just looked at pictures of a shovel-chinned Leno whore in lingerie and my head didn’t barf my eyeballs out, so obviously I have a high-tolerance for dark-sided images, but I really didn’t need to visualize Betty White and Ryan Gaycrest sharing the same slot. Not today.
Months of rehab, whooping a trick in an airport, snorting the bad shit off of Mickey Mouse’s inner thigh and allegedly sexing on a piece in front of everyone at a party was not enough to fully scrape away the Disney from Demi Lovato’s image, so she decided to scratch off another layer by baring her butt chin cleavage and 19-year-old chest balls at the Latin Grammys in Las Vegas last night. I’ve always said that nothing says “GROWN” like titty tape and chichi contouring, but couldn’t Demi have chosen a better dress for her titties’ coming out party?
Dwight from RHOA could let out a hundred How Dreadfuls over this and he’d still need to let out a hundred more before he begins to accurately describe this mess. Somewhere, a 50-year-old novella villainess is missing a boudoir gown to change into right before she seduces her arch rival’s husband. There’s a reason why the Blanche Devereaux intimates section at Bealls has a “50+ only” sign at its entrance. It takes a certain seasoned slutty abuelita to pull off a dress like this. Stick to the juniors section, Demi.
And I’m guessing every brush in her hotel room went on strike last night, so I won’t throw her cold shade for those pre-brushed, straight-out-of-the-rollers quince curls.
Of course, Wilmer Valderrama, the Jack Gordon to Demi’s La Toya, was there last night. Just
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Lady Caca can have the silicone Klingon wishbones on her forehead, but the original Madonna is showing her how to keep it simply elegant by lifting, separating and stuffing her 52-year-old labia into a one-piece that a trampy granny wears when the plumber comes to visit. MONA ROBINSON, eat this!
This is the kind of hot outfit that Blanche Devereaux wore to give a dying lover his last rites, among other things. And Vadge pairing it with a vest made of Baby Jesus’ conditioned nut hairs was a good move.
Here’s more of Madge bringing her vadge out of hibernation and flashing her first-degree Joan Rivers face with Lourdes at Vanity Fair’s post-Oscar party last night. And the Miss Cleo in me can read your thoughts. Why would Lourdes be embarrassed? Just like us, she’s used to her mom dressing like a horny old ho.
Beth Weems Pirtle, the 76-year-old beauty queen champion from North Texas and the newly crowned Miss American Dreams Senior!
At 76 years old, Beth Weems Pirtle is showing girls half her age (and even one tenth of her age) how you really wear glamour, grace, elegance, rhinestone and the most expensive satin fabric at a JoAnn’s clearance sale! Beth Weems Pirtle (a refined lady that I feel like I should always address by her full name) won her last title all the way back in the 90s, but she recently sashayed out of retirement to compete in the Miss American Dreams pageant after they invited her. This was obviously all supposed to happen since Beth Weems Pirtle bought a brand new TERRY COSTA ORIGINAL (grab your chest and gasp like that means something) just before she got the invitation.
When Beth Weems Pirtle’s perfectly manicured toe hit the stage, all her other competition disappeared. No, seriously all the other glamour memaws left the room because they had to pee for the fifth time in an hour. Beth Weems Pirtle easily won the title! She now has a crown that tastes like Werther’s Originals when you lick it! And a sash made of epsom salt that dissolves in the bath to soothe Beth Weems Pirtle’s royal bones.
Here’s a short interview Beth Weems Pirtle gave to the local news. She’s almost like Blanche Devereaux sans that whole BIG SLUT thing. Behold your new Miss American Dreams Senior!
This just confirms to Donald Trump that the age limit for Miss USA should be raised to 77 next year! I mean, can any of those unseasoned young hos
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