The Kuntrashians really know how to stretch themselves over Ray J’s “always turning right” dick for some attention and they also know how to stretch out a non-story for maximum exposure. It was over a week ago when your favorite Christmas meal Jon Hamm used Kim Kardoucheian as an example for how the world throws their attention and money at talentless shit boxes. Kim queefed out a response, Jon responded to her response and now the ring that hangs off of Kim’s ass lip is responding. Jonathan Cheban is the MAD Cat to Kim’s Doctor Claw, so of course he’s going to defend the trick that gives him treats in the form of his own reality shit show, but he really outdid himself with this shit. UsWeekly asked Jonathan about the Hamm thing and this is the delusion-wrapped rhinestone that jumped off of his tongue:
“I think Jon Hamm needs to just shut up and stop being such a mad man! He needs to mind his own business, because Kim works hard. They do different things –it’s a whole different world. Put Jon Hamm in a mall, and more people will go up to the people working at the Burger King than they will to him. Bring Kim to a mall and there will be a riot. They’re in two different businesses. Kim’s pop culture and what people
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WARNING: If you’re an American, this story will make you TOO proud to be an American.
Las Vegas’ The Heart Attack Grill is a giant slice of KFed’s idea of heaven and it’s a charbroiled magical emporium of greasy gross where mega fat bitches who weigh over 350lbs eat for free and where one burger can be stuffed with almost 8,000 calories. The waitresses dress like slutty nurses and they’ll roll you out to your car in a wheelchair after you’ve eaten more calories than an entire village in Somalia eats in a year. There’s even a sign warning you that it’s hazardous to your health. It’s the perfect place to go when you’ve released all the fucks in your system to make way for 10 pounds of bacon wrapped around a block of fried cheese stuffed into an entire ground up cow. So that’s Heart Attack Grill and the other day, a 40-something dude put the heart attack in Heart Attack Grill when he had one while eating there.
The unnamed man walked into the Heart Attack Grill by himself and made the artery veins around his heart cringe when he picked up a menu. Then he made those artery veins pull themselves from his heart when he ordered a Triple Bypass Burger. The man ate half of the burger when he started getting the sweats and couldn’t form words.
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If Yoda shilling for cup noodles made your skin crawl and your soul cry “Nooooo,” get ready to feel the Force sell-out even harder, and weirder, with a recent spate of George Lucas-approved shameless Star Wars marketing tie-ins. First, there’s Darth Maul and Yoda stumping for Lipton iced tea. Embarrassing, but that’s nothing compared to the super disgusting idea of a Darth Vader-themed hamburger featuring black-dyed buns. Blech. These are not the burgers you’re looking for, at least not to eat.
The Vader burger is offered at French-Belgian fast food chain Quick, along with two other new sandwiches, the Dark Burger on dyed red buns a la Darth Maul, and the Jedi Burger, topped with diced mozzarella cheese cubes. The special Star Wars fare will be available for a limited time from January 31 to March 1, though the Vader burger, which is comprised of “two minced beef patties topped with one slice of melted pepper Cheddar cheese, pepper sauce, endives and rings of red pepper all between black-colored buns sprinkled with black pepper and poppy seeds” and is inexplicably spelled “Vador” burger in this Quick ad, will get an extended run through March 5.
You can thank the upcoming 2012 release of Star Wars Episode I — The Phantom Menace 3D for the upsurge in shameless cross-branding, which is fine and a part of the business, especially when reintroducing a film to newer audiences and older fans who are now old enough to drink iced tea and order gross burgers at the drive-through. Still, that doesn’t excuse Lucas from the real problem: These burgers look completely disgusting.
Who in their right mind will be ordering the Vader burger? French diehard Star Wars…
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Marky Mark and Donnie Wahlberg are selling their pounded meat at a restaurant in Boston and they have named that mess the best name of a burger place since Fudruckers, Beef ‘N’ Buns and Burger, She Wrote. They are naming that shit: WAHLBURGERS. WAHLBURGERS! This almost makes up for the death of Kenny Rogers Roasters.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Marky Mark and Donnie have already leased a 4,300 square foot space at Hingham Shipyard near their Eye-talian restaurant Alma Nove. They are also planning to open a pizza place sometime next year.
WAHLBURGERS! What a damn mess. I bet you they’ll have shit on the menu like Say Hi To Your Muthah’s Cookies, The Right Stuffed Baked Potato, Please Don’t Go Grilled Cheese, Good Piebrations and Funky Bunch of Lettuce Leaves.
And I’m sure after they open that pizza restaurant, they’ll open a Vietnamese takeout place called Phuk Yu Up.
Get your tastebuds ready for the ultimate Wahlberg fan culinary experience; famous brothers Mark and Donnie, along with their chef sibling Paul, have secured trademark rights to sell “Wahlburgers” at a new Boston-area burger joint called, what else? Wahlburgers. I’ll take mine with a side of NKOTBBQ sauce and Funky Bunch fries! But wait, there’s more — next year the brothers will open a pizza place as well. Drop your Wahlberg-related pizzeria name suggestions below. [Boston Globe via E! Online]
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