I still have puffy scars on the inside of my ear tunnels from that “Call Me Maybe” song stabbing me repeatedly over and over again for months on end, but now I forgive Carly Rae Jepsen for that after she told the Boy Scouts of America to call her NEVAH! Justin Bieber’s former au pair was supposed to headline the 2013 National Scouting Jamboree with Train in West Virginia this July, but this morning she quit the show and told them to chew her ass. I know, those dumb bitches at the Boy Scouts of ‘Murika are sending mixed messages, because they ban all gays from their organization, but yet they get Carly Rae Jepsen to sing at one of their events?
After GLAAD and Eagle Scout Derek Nance asked Carly Rae Jepsen and Train to ban the Jamboree, she tweeted this morning that she’s pulling out of the Boy Scouts’ party.
As an artist who believes in equality for all people, I will not be participating in the Boy Scouts of America Jamboree this summer… I always have and will continue to support the LGBT community on a global level and stay informed on the ever changing landscape in the ongoing battle for gay rights in this country and across the
…
Full Story »
That picture just tells a thousand stories. I don’t know if Justin Bieber is telling someone to pull his finger or he’s giving an imaginary prostate exam while getting an imaginary prostate exam or his period leaked through his white pants and he’s screaming for just one tampon. Just one. It’s totally the latter.
And so the mutiny begins… The Beliebers are starting to turn and last night they dared to boo at their Canadian Jesus after he didn’t show up on stage on time. E! News says that MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice’s butt baby was supposed to take the stage at London’s O2 Arena at 8:30, but he didn’t start popping his pussy until after 10 and the fetuses in the audience were raging about it. One of the Biebs’ fans, Sophia Lee, tells E! that after Carly Rae Jepsen opened, they kept waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for The Lesbeaver to get on stage but he never did. Their nannies tried to calm them with a juice box and even rubbed their gums with a little extra-strength Benadryl liquid, but they kept screaming
…
Full Story »
It’s nice to see that the Grammys still aren’t about recognizing the best talent in music (see: Carly Rae Jepsen’s nomination) and still all about what’s really important: TITTY BALLS! While giving us her best Priscilla Presley circa 1969 cosplay, Katy Perry also gave us chichis for days and Ellen Degeneres just couldn’t help getting all up in there with her eyeballs as a butchified Portia de Rossi laughed next to her. If you stare at that picture long enough, you can almost see Ellen’s eyeballs pop out of their sockets like a cartoon cat. Ellen is either motorboating with her eyes or she can’t believe that certified douche bag John Mayer, who was wearing one of Willy Wonka’s old suits, gets suffocate himself in Katy Perry’s magnificent chichis every single night.
And yeah, when Ellen Degeneres humps Katy’s titties with her eyes, everybody laughs and calls her a comedic genius. But if a straight dude did it, he’d get a punch to the eye and a restraining order. So if you see Gerard Butler and Mel Gibson trolling around with a tiny blond wig on their heads, a fitted blazer on their bodies and a Home Depot card stuck in their pockets, you know what they’re up to.
Aka, the former Miss Ukraine and the most graceful wig-wearing angel of the season who is bringing you the Christmas anthem of 2012.
I first heard about this Eastern European gift from Jesus last month when she threatened to sue the BLATANT THIEVES who wrote and produced the song “Call Me Maybe” for stealing some of the lyrics to her song “Hunky Santa.” Carly Rae Jepsen should be spending her Christmas in a Canadian prison cell getting waterboarded with maple syrup while a Nickelback Christmas song (please tell me one doesn’t exist) blares in her ears for screwing with Aka. Yes, aka is short for Also Known As The True Definition Of Talent.
Aka should also sue the writers of “Santa Baby,” because they’re obviously future see-ers who looked into the year 2012, listened to her masterpiece of a holiday song and then stole the entire idea for their song. Aka should also sue Debbie Harry for stealing her face and Linda Hogan for stealing her entire style. And she should sue the makers of wigs made out of shredded Styrofoam for stealing her luscious hairstyle. Basically, Aka should sue the world for copyright infringement, because she’s a one-of-a-kind original flower and we’re all stealing from her.
Merry Christmas, everybody! If you didn’t get a Hunky Santa for Christmas this year, tell your genitals not to frown, because you got something even better: the gift of natural beauty and pure elegance in form of a Ukrainian goddess!
Because Chad Kroeger and Carly Rae Jepsen were unavailable, Canada gave the Diamond Jubilee Medal to the last Canadian on this planet who deserves any kind of medal. CTV News says that the Diamond Jubilee Medal is given to Canadians “who have made a significant contribution to a particular province, territory, region or community within Canada, or an achievement abroad that brings credit to Canada.” Giving that shit to Kon Kan would’ve been a better decision. Who was ever in charge of making this decision probably realized they made the worst decision ever when Justin Bieber showed up to the award ceremony looking like if Spanky from The Little Rascals was a character on The Boondocks. There’s nothing worse than a cocky toddler in a backwards cap and overalls.
Justin’s mother must’ve been scrubbing the skid marks out of his diaper leggings, because he wore some OshKosh B’Gosh overalls instead. I’m surprised the helmet of silver thread on Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s head didn’t melt from all of the #SWAG bombs that Justin dropped. And by “#SWAG bombs” I mean the poopies he dropped in his diaper during the ceremony.
Yes, Justin could’ve dressed up by wearing a tuxedo onesie from Babies ‘R Us, but I’m more concerned about how this junior douche keeps putting on the worst in 90s fashions. We should close and
…
Full Story »For the one of you who didn’t immediately hit the I QUIT THIS BITCH button after reading that headline, you’re as sucio as me and we’ll be disgusting together. I seriously can’t avert my eyes from the dead-eyed, slow-moving train of crazy as it crashes into a pile of dirty diapers and sadness. I even watched a few uncensored clips from OctoMom’s self-love porn and the most offensive thing is that one of the sets looks like a P.F. Chang’s. How will I ever enjoy a serving of Mongolian beef the same way ever again?
To promote her debut fap porn, Octo and her jack-off guide Jessica Drake went on Howard Stern yesterday. Octo pulled Howard’s dick when she said that achieving her first chocha seizure on camera opened her up to a whole new world and she can’t wait to explore more of her sexuality. Basically, Octo used a lot of words to say, “A CHECK IS A CHECK!” So because Octo can’t get enough of rubbing love into herself, Howard brought out the Sybian and she jumped on. This clip is totally NSFW unless your boss is okay with you screaming for mercy.
And I don’t know what terrorized my ears more today: Octo’s fake orgasm yodels or the new Carly Rae Jepsen song. Definitely, the latter.
