While Brooke Mueller dries out (or snorts lines of Sanka) with Lindsay Lohan in Betty Ford, her lawyers are trying to get a judge to pull her twin boys out of Denise Richards’ arms, because she wants her brother to take care of them instead. Almost two weeks ago, social services found some suspect shit at Brooke Mueller’s house and the Sheen twins were taken away and given to Denise Richards temporarily. Denise expected to take care of the boys until Brooke cleaned herself up. But TMZ says that Brooke wants her brother to have custody of her 4 year olds and her decision has everything to do with MONAY!
According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen is onto Broke Mule’s schemes and thinks she only wants her brother to have custody of the twins, because she doesn’t want to let go of the $55k she gets in child support a month. Charlie’s lawyers are in court today to EXPOSE Brooke’s scheme. Brooke’s lawyers will argue that Denise is the gold digging twat who is using her twins to get that monthly check.
TMZ’s source says that Charlie has offered to give Denise money to take care of his twins, but she turned him down and doesn’t want one penny from him. Denise also has text
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Courtney Stodden was afraid jumping out of a cake for her husband’s birthday party would mess up her lip gloss, so she opted for plan B. – jellin76
Runners-up:
So…your prostitute’s name was Tucky Charms, who kept bragging about being “Magically Suspicious”, and you woke up this morning with a weird phallic shaped bruise on your face? Well, that is a mystery… – cs182
It was only a matter of time before someone found another use for that lickable wallpaper from Willy Wonka’s factory tour. – Migraine Sally
Charlie Sheen knew exactly what to get his twin boys for their fifth birthday. He wasn’t worried about the size – they’d grow into it. – LaChaylo
via Fail Blog (Thanks, Darla)
This is why you should always dip your contacts (which are basically condoms for your eyes) in liquid antibiotics and put that shit on your eyeballs before you turn on the internet.
Everybody at last night’s Scary Movie 5 premiere in Hollywood now know what scientists see when they look at pus from a popped syphilis pimple under a microscope. Charlie Sheen kept the free clinic in business by planting his lips on Lindsay Lohan’s face as they posed on the red carpet. Shortly after that picture was taken, the left side of bitch’s face started to droop, because it saw what was happening to the right side and it was trying to slip out of there before it was too late. But besides LiLo’s half-melted face, she actually looks kind of good for LiLo. Charlie Sheen on the other hand looks like burnt egg whites in a beaver wig.
And of course, LiLo was late and showed up 30 minutes before the red carpet ended. LiLo’s excuse was that she was at the dentist, which is a totally valid excuse. LiLo figures that since she’s going to Coachella this weekend, she’s probably going to booze her veneers off, so she got a new set made and they’ll be ready on Monday. LiLo is always thinking ahead.
Even if you have no tolerance for Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, you’ve got to admit they can take a joke. My expectations were not high for scandal magnets’ scenes together in Scary Movie V, but this clip is actually a hoot. Sheen gets the best line, and his bedroom is a voyeur’s wet dream. He even has one of those SkyCams that they use to film Monday Night Football games from above the field. He also gets the best lines, but Lohan’s final scene, which involves car keys, made me laugh out loud.
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Goop’s Fashion Picks for Spring is so damn popular and she get so many requests for it that she has brought it back for a third year in a row. 99% of those emails are probably from people telling her to please bring it back up, because it makes them laugh so damn hard that they make a wet spot in their $2 cotton panties from KMart. If you’re Elin Nordegren, all you have to do is shake the change of your purse and you can buy everything on Goopy Paltrow’s fashion list for spring. If you’re everybody else, all you have to do is sell your house, sell your car, sell every drop of blood in your body, empty out your checking account, rob a bank and blow Charlie Sheen a few times, and you too can buy a bunch of designer clothes you can’t wear anywhere without looking a fool.
In this week’s edition of Goop, Goopy showed her readers how they can update their spring wardrobe using stuff they can buy from Net-A-Porter. E! totaled everything up on her list and it came to only $458,003! On the list is a $5,495 Valentino bag, $850 Alexander Wang leather shorts (which will make you look like you have a wang) and
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Seen her in Dublin telling the paps about the first time he gazed deep up into Lindsay Lohan’s black hole of cooch, Charlie Sheen is telling TMZ that he wants to be LiLo’s permanent Captain-Save-A-Ho and he thinks he’d be the perfect mentor. Yeah, I don’t know if Charlie wants to be her actual mentor or if he’s confusing the meaning of “mentor” with the meaning of “pimp” again. If it’s the latter, he’ll have to win LiLo by pimp fighting White Oprah near the dumpsters in back of the T.G.I. Friday’s on Long Island.
Charlie has already bailed a ho out by giving LiLo $100,000 to pay her taxes and he gave her a guest spot on his show Anger Management, and now he’s telling TMZ that he wants to help that freckled vodka stain full-time. LiLo’s cracked out knight in aluminum foil armor shat out these words to TMZ about helping out a fellow fuck-up:
“I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who’s been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey. If she listens, she’ll win. If she doesn’t,
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The bodyguard’s piping hot side-eye says a million things including, “I will have to tag Adele out and jump in if that hand comes up higher,” so when this picture started making the rounds after the Grammys on Sunday night, somebody made up a story that Adele read Chris Brown his rights for not standing up for his parking space rival Frank Ocean. The story was sort of (not really) believable, because Adele was dressed like an off-duty schoolmarm who is always schooling brat ass tricks, so it sort of (not really) made sense that she would scold that throbbing urethra wart. Everybody from The Sun to the Daily Mail to HuffPo picked up the “Adele tells Chris Brown off” story and ran it as the truth. But Adele stuck a needle in everyone’s bubble yesterday when she said on Twitter that she wasn’t slapping a trick down with her words, she was throwing him a compliment. WHA??????!???
Unless your name is Scott Peterson, Ike Turner, Mel Gibson or Charlie Sheen, what is there to compliment Chris Brown on? Maybe Adele complimented Chris Brown on his anorexic anaconda dick? Or maybe Adele complimented him on his toddler boys communion suit from Sears? No, Adele probably gave him a pat on the back for going a full day without whooping a trick or throwing a full-on rage fit in the middle of a parking lot. He really should get a gold star for that.
Here’s Wilmer Vlderrama checking in with his comrade PedoBear to see if any new fresh meat has strolled out of the Disney studio. Wilmer stuffed his self-proclaimed 8-inch meat snake into some swim shorts to sashay around the beach in Miami yesterday. To answer my own headline, no, I would not hit that. Slap Wilmer’s crotch sausage on a bed of chocolate nachos and I still wouldn’t hit it. I’m crazy and neurotic enough. Wilmer’s extra long cachito dick makes hos go crazy. Exhibit A and B: Lindsay Lohan and Demi Lovato. Wilmer sticks the tip in, and years later you’re gargling on Charlie Sheen’s soggy fish balls for a check.
Wilmer’s dick is the gateway to Crazy Town. Just….no.
Since Charlie Sheen has a such a giving heart and is always happy to bail out a fellow coke whore, he gave Lindsay Lohan $100,000 as a gift a couple of weeks ago. Charlie said that the $100,000 was for a “project” (read: a rim job since not even School Teacher from Hookers at the Point would tongue tickle Charlie’s b-hole for $100,000) and then he whined to the media about she never gave him a thank you of any kind. Lindsay Lohan ungrateful and rude?! NEVAH!
TMZ says that after Charlie Sheen called Lindsay Lohan out for being a rude bitch, she sent him a bouquet of flowers and a thank you card. Some source says that LiLo didn’t thank Charlie for contributing to the vodka industry by giving her $100k, because her phone broke and she lost all of her contacts including his number. Yes, Lindsay Lohan could’ve stuffed a rolled thank you note in the cooch of a random L.A. call girl and it would’ve gotten to Charlie Sheen in under 24 hours. But since her brain is a cocaine breast implant, she didn’t think of that and came up with another amazing excuse that will go in her upcoming book: Lindsay Lohan’s Book Of Excuses NOT TO USE If You Want Your Excuse To Sound Somewhat
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