The chipmunk Susan Powter tweeted today that Billy Ray Cyrus and her cousins aren’t driving toward Liam Hemsworth’s house with a nail-embedded 2X4 in hand, because she didn’t call off her wedding. Miley Cyrus twatted out the denial after Life & Style added more layers of escandalosoness (not really) to the rumor that Liam did her wrong by humping on Sienna Miller’s home wrecker protégé January Jones the night before the Oscars. A witness type tells Life & Style that after January and Liam got close at the Chateau Marmont, they went to a house party together where she got on him like her bull dozer vagina was ready to wreck some homes! The witness said this:
“They went to a private house party, and right in the middle of the party, January was clinging to Liam, saying, ‘You’re so handsome.’ He kept saying, ‘We can’t do this here.’ Then they left holding hands and went out in the hallway and were making out. She was wasted. It wasn’t good.”
A different source says that January is shameless when it comes to dudes and if your peen is taken, you move to the front of the line. So January could’ve gotten on Liam just to say that she can. MY SLUT HERO! But the other day,
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Miley Cyrus is sharpening her chipmunk teeth on a rock and Tish Cyrus is dipping her hooves in glue and glass, because they’re coming for Liam Hemsworth that dick-stealing ice cold hussy harlot January Jones!
Miley’s betrothed Liam Hemsworth went to a pre-Oscar party at Chateau Marmont on Saturday night and Star (via Radar) says that he was all over January Jones. Miley wasn’t with him at the time or we’d probably be reading about how January was seen running down the driveway of Chateau Marmont as a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth chipmunk chased after her.
A witness type says that party guests were all clutching their Tampax pearls while watching Liam and January get close. They weren’t even trying to hide it and the witness said that they had some “hot chemistry.” The witness type went on to say that they were all over each other and even kissed lips at one point.
At the end of the night, January and Liam got into the back seat of the same car and drove away together.
There are a million explanations for this. Maybe Miley and Liam broke up? Maybe Miley and Liam have one of those open relationship and she lets him dip his tongue in frozen twats and he lets her dip her tongue in twats? Maybe January Jones is a serious environmentalist and insists on carpooling to save money on gas? Maybe this eyewitness type
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Gold diggers of the world, you now have a new icon to pay tribute to. Janice Dickinson is proving that you can never be too insane or plastic faced to catch a rich ass husband. Take note, Lindsay Lohan. The world’s first supermodel (the world being the bubble of craziness she lives in) tells TooFab that sometime next spring, she will become somebody’s wife for the fourth time and will become a doctor’s wife for the first time. Janice’s piece of a few months Dr. Robert Gerner, who has a cautious look on his face like he’s always prepared to be slapped with a silicone titty bag by a crazed banshee, gave her a diamond Victorian promise ring and he will give her a real engagement ring sometime soon.
Janice and Dr. Robert’s love started blooming a few months ago when they met on a blind date at Chateau Marmont. Janice said she knew right away that he’s the one whose life she wants to ruin and went on to say that “he’s the ying to my yang.” Janice and Dr. Robert recently bought a Hollywood Hills home together and they’re throwing a housewarming/engagement party this weekend. They’ve invited Kunty Karl (no joke), Donatella Versace (no joke), Sandra Bullock (no joke) and Slash (he’ll probably show up).
You’re probably assuming that Dr. Robert is a plastic surgeon, because he obviously appreciates
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If you hid under tables at restaurants to snatch designer bags off the floor from unsuspecting hos, never returned the laptop you “borrowed” from Chateau Marmont and faked walking pneumonia so the studio that was dumb enough to hire you puts you on a private jet, you too could have a janky Birkin bag, a janky laptop and sit in janky jet (with dirty, cum-stained and dried vomit covered seats) like Lindsay Lohan!
LiLo tweeted this tweet of inspiration today and I know it has moved a bowel movement out of you. So the next time you’re on your knees, giving a beej to a rich john for money to buy a Chanel knock-off, reach for the stars and by that I mean reach for the Rolex around his wrist and slip it off without him knowing it. You can thank LiLo’s tweet for pushing you toward your life goals.
And here’s everyone’s new life coach carrying that Birkin bag while walking into her hotel in NYC today. If you put your head out your window and listen closely, you can hear a bitch screaming, “That’s my fucking missing Birkin!”
One of Katy Perry’s goals in life, next to shooting everything found in a grocer’s fridge section out of her tits, must be to hump on every mega man skank on the CDC’s most wanted list. Because Katy has gone from riding on Russell Brand to taking a ride on John Mayer’s David Duke dick. Katy and John left Chateau Marmont together last night, and UsWeekly says that before every paps’ lens got covered in herp sores by taking these pictures, they were kissing each other inside the hotel:
Perry, 27, and Mayer, 34, had a leisurely dinner together at Chateau Marmont, an observer tells Us Weekly. And the date, the witness adds, was definitely romantic, with the “Teenage Dream” singer and Mayer “holding hands across the table,” sneaking kisses, and laughing.
Katy and John have apparently been bumping nipples for almost two months now. So, Katy’s douchedar is still broken and she’s obviously still into the kind of dude who looks like he’s got 3 out of 5 basic food groups stuck to the bottom of his peen. Hopefully, Katy grabbed that plastic bag floating through the wind and wrapped it around John’s peen several times before she got on that shit.
And if the Anne Shirley of hussies Taylor Swift has hit it and wrote a song about it, you should stay away from it.
This week in ill-advised moves by would-be comeback starlet Lindsay Lohan: A photo shoot with skeeze-photography specialist Terry Richardson in which Lohan plays with what appears to be a real gun, putting it to her head and even in her mouth. Fun!
Richardson, who of late has cornered the market on jiggly Kate Upton coverage, posted the Lohan photos to his Tumblr “Terry’s Diary” today but has since apparently taken them down. Of course, this being the internet, nothing’s ever deleted fast enough, or permanently. The photos that remain up feature Lohan in a sheer bra, which might be headline-making enough on their own if the gun pics weren’t so much more disturbing (via Oh No They Didn’t):
After making their way around the blogosphere, the pics have disappeared from Richardson’s Tumblr, and for good reason; this is the last thing Lohan’s team needs as they attempt to explain away her brush with paramedics the other week, and her car accident before that. It’s unclear when these photos were taken, though the original post says they were taken at the Chateau Marmont. And what does it mean? Cavalier art shoot or red flag?
Meanwhile, Richardson’s Tumblr features a bounty of titillating artsy-exploitative photos and videos of Upton, including the palate-cleansing, strategically-featured distraction GIF entitled “Kate Upton getting out of a pool.” And for more fun with starlets, you can see basically all of Paz De La Huerta (NSFW) as photographed by Richardson.
[Terry's Diary, Oh No They Didn't]
These celebrity siblings got into a screaming match after the more well known of the two accused the lesser known of reverting back to an old cocaine habit. The war started awhile ago after the lesser known started hanging out with a tabloid favorite who recently held up production thanks to the nasty habit. It reached a boiling point and threats were made including a cutoff of financial help. (Hollywood Dame via Blind Gossip)
Haylie Duff did party with Blohan at Chateau Marmont the other night, so….
If this is Hils and Hay, Hilary has every reason to bitch a trick out. Hilary probably paid for Haylie to get her schnoz whittled down. Before Haylie’s schnoz job, she couldn’t deep throat a peen proper, because her long ass nose would always hit the dude’s crotch skin first. But now she can thanks to Hilary! And Haylie could be screwing all that work up. Hopefully, Hils told Hay to snort the bad shit up through her butt like every smart cokehead with a nose job does.
In Hollywood, it seems like most of the actors you read about are cheating on their wives. It doesn’t matter who their wife is or what she looks like, chances are she is getting cheated on and probably frequently. Well, this former A list actor and probably still a B- is
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Lindsay Lohan will start shooting Liz & Dick (aka I Can’t With That Title) next month in L.A. and while she has the blessing of Lifetime obviously, Elizabeth Taylor’s friends and family aren’t endorsing that shit. The chances of White Oprah eating something other than gin and Adderall stew for dinner are greater than Elizabeth Taylor’s sons blessing LiLo by giving her their mother’s good luck earrings before sprinkling her forehead with White Diamonds. That’s what Pulitzer nominee The National Enquirer (via Celebitchy) says anyway. Their inside source says that Lifetime should’ve reached for the stars instead of reaching into the gutter in front of Chateau Marmont:
“Liz’s sons, Michael and Chris Wilding, feel there are many other actresses who are far more qualified to play their famous mother. They think gorgeous and talented stars such as Cate Blanchett or Emily Blunt should have been short-listed for the role. Liz’s children feel their mom deserved better! Liz was not only a great movie star, but a great philanthropist, and it’s a slap in the face to her memory to have this errant party girl play her. She’d be screaming bloody murder over this whole fiasco!”
There’s more similarities between my asshole and a monarch butterfly than there are between Lindsay Lohan and Elizabeth Taylor, but the more I
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To commemorate the one week anniversary of her DUI and the three week anniversary of getting pulled over for talking and driving, Amanda Bynes drove her own ass to Chateau Marmont and Greystone Manor to party with her friends. The paps caught Amanda texting behind the wheel before she ran up over the curb while trying to park. Who knows if Amanda’s tongue even touched booze last night, but I find from personal experience when I’m standing in the middle of a club surrounded by sweaty hos thinking they’re the shit, the only thing I want to do is eat an entire bottle of Jack. Instead of texting, Amanda needs to use her iPhone to look up the synopsis for Crack & Me: The Lindsay Lohan Story, because she’s obviously involuntarily remaking that shit and doesn’t know what happens next.
When are these bitches going to learn that driving Billy Joel-style is no way to drive through life? Isn’t driving drunk really hard, anyway? Why would you want to ruin your buzz by trying to focus on not sending yourself or others to Jesus? That seems really stressful. Just do what all smart-thinking sluts do. Either find a sober trick to go home with or drag yourself to the nearest Denny’s and face plant right into a stack of pancakes until you’re good enough to drive. What L.A. really needs, besides a
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Shit stirrer Lana Del Rey left Chateau Marmont the other night with Axl Rose and some think that maybe she’s using her signature collagen noodle lips to blow raspberries on his pasty fupa. DJ Ashba of Guns ‘n Roses shook his head no to that possibility, but this makes sense since Lana Del Taco has a song called “Axl Rose Husband” and probably has a replica of Stephanie Seymour’s really hot November Rain wedding dress hanging in her altar devoted to all things AXL!
If Lana is humping on Axl, then she’s a hardcore groupie who is serious about her obsession with his ass. I mean, Axl of the 80s, we’d all hit it. Axl of the 90s, some of us would hit it. Axl of today, I’m the only one (besides Lana’s dedicated ass) who would hit it since I’d also hit a bloated middle-aged ticket taker at a third-tier motorcycle show who gets his plastic surgery at the same place he takes his Winnebago for an oil and filter change (which is kind of what Axl looks like).
Lana has gone from Marilyn Manson to Axl Rose, so I wonder who’s gonna get Lana Del Laid next? I’m going with the Baha Men or Gerardo.
