It seems Roger Ebert was unable to make the trek to Cannes, but his wife (and Ebert Co. VP) Chaz sends a report from the South of France with a fantastic breakdown of the fest’s offerings — and sweet words for Rog back home: “Today there may not be starlets jumping nude in the ocean, but we are still being given stories of young love and old love and passion and feelings and ideas that make life worth living. Thank you for introducing me to this world. Now I just want you to hurry back to it.” [Chicago Sun-Times]
Say you’re a teen Twilight devotee. Ever since last year’s Eclipse, you’ve been counting down the days until Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner reprised their roles for the long-awaited, demon fetus pregnancy installment in Stephenie Meyer’s fluffy vamp franchise. Your boyfriend promised he would take you to Breaking Dawn — Part 1, only at the last minute he bailed (typical!) and you missed the one thing that was getting you through a particularly rough and angsty period of your adolescence. What do you do?
If you’re 18-year-old Olivia Christina Ornelas of Illinois, you hit the bottle and hop in your car to clear your mind. The Chicago Sun-Times reports that cops found the car that Ornelas had been driving in a ditch near Route 71 shortly after midnight last Saturday. Police report that the devastated Twihard was driving without her front right tire and explained that “she was extremely upset with her boyfriend because she did not get to see the new Twilight movie as they were supposed to do.”
According to the Huffington Post, Ornelas is being charged with driving under the influence and unlawful consumption of alcohol by a minor. No word yet on whether the 18-year-old caught Breaking Dawn after she posted $300 bond, or if she forgave her boyfriend.
Either way, Movieline recommends that 1) You don’t depend on your boyfriend or any non-Twi-Hard to see a Breaking Dawn — Part 1 screening and 2) You never resort to drinking and driving. While…
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In a total non-surprise, it seems many of the nation’s film critics have said “smurf off” to Raja Gosnell’s new animated/live-action hybrid, The Smurfs. The three-apple-high 3-D menace is currently rocking a 17 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, putting it in league with Zookeeper as one of the worst reviewed films of the summer. If only critics had followed along with Movieline’s handy review chart, all this angst would have been avoided! Ahead, the nine smurfiest smurfing reviews of The Smurfs.
9. “It tries to appeal to kids with pratfalls, potty humor and the substitution of ‘Smurf’ for every possible noun, verb and adjective. It tries to appeal to adults with pointless cameos by Tim Gunn and Joan Rivers. Gunn looks around with the disappointed expression he usually reserves for those Project Runway contestants who are an hour from deadline, and Rivers delivers her one line as if she is hoping her face will look as lively as the expressions of the animated characters. It doesn’t.” — Nell Minow, Chicago Sun-Times
8. “Now comes The Smurfs movie — directed by Raja Gosnell, the go-to hack for live-action adaptations of classic animated properties, and scripted by four automatons whose names suggest they may be part of the Witness Relocation Program — to nail the coffin shut, to remind us that there’s no bigger bitch in life than nostalgia.” — Ed Gonzalez, Slant Magazine
7. “‘80s nostalgists who always wanted to see Gargamel get Tasered—or watch rapping Smurfs…
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Take this with the comically large grain of salt it most certainly deserves, but: Chicago Sun-Times celebrity journalist Bill Zwecker reports that Oprah Winfrey is at the top of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences list to host the 84th annual Academy Awards in 2012. Winfrey’s hosting duties could possibly come with an OWN-only behind-the-scenes component, in an effort help the ratings-deficient cable network. If this comes true, hopefully Olympia Dukakis winds up in the front row. [Chicago Sun-Times]
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As hard as this may be to believe for some of you, it appears the critics love (or maybe the correct term is “hate less”) Michael Bay more than Tom Hanks. At least when it comes to Transformers: Dark of the Moon and Larry Crowne. The Hanks-directed comedy has been raked through the coals in reviews, and currently sports an even lower Rotten Tomatoes rating than Dark of the Moon. Perhaps it needed more Autobots. Ahead, the 9 most scathing critical responses to Larry Crowne.
9. “Larry Crowne has Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts and a good premise and a colorful supporting cast, but what it doesn’t have is a reason for existing. The screenplay carries blandness to a point beyond tedium.” — Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times
8. “The story of a middle-aged average Joe who goes to college, finds love and befriends a veritable rainbow coalition of upbeat minorities, Hanks’ first directorial effort since 1996’s That Thing You Do! is an insipid mid-recession fable in which every honest laugh and emotion has been sanitized out of the equation.” — Justin Chang, Variety
7. “[A]s difficult as it is to dislike Mr. Hanks, it takes no effort to all to develop an aversion toward Larry Crowne, the alleged comedy being perpetrated today by Mr. Hanks; his director, Mr. Hanks; his producer, Mr. Hanks; and the co-writer, Mr. Hanks. It is a distinctly painful experience.” — John Anderson, Wall Street Journal
6. “Larry Crowne isn’t a movie for adults. It’s…
Full Story »· And you thought Michael Ian Black had the last word on the controversial tweet posted by Roger Ebert in the wake of the car accident that killed Jackass star Ryan Dunn. Wrong! As usual, the “news animators” at NMA have culled this flare up down to the bare essentials: Bam Margera hurling throwing stars at Ebert as he leaves the Chicago Sun-Times offices. Click through to watch, then stick around for more Buzz Break.
[via NMA.tv]
· Meanwhile, the police report about the accident that killed Dunn has been released, and his blood-alcohol was nearly two-and-a-half times higher than the legal limit at the time of the crash. [TMZ]
· Conan star Jason Momoa has reportedly been cast as the villain in the untitled Sylvester Stallone film formerly known as Headshot. [Latino Review]
· Meryl Streep isn’t the only Hollywood icon celebrating a birthday on June 22. So is Martin Landau. What up, Martin! [Moviefone]
· Check out the new trailer for the Ricky Gervais BBC series Life’s Too Short, which stars Harry Potter’s Warwick Davis. [BBC]
· Was the Home Alone house too rich for your blood? Fear not: you can buy the house used in Marley & Me for the low, low price of $1.25 million. The home has been on the market for almost a month, so keep that in mind when you’re making bids. [THR]
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