The Hammaconda is living the life. It gets to hang out Jon Hamm all the time, it gets to get hand hugged by Jon Hamm regularly, it gets to go shopping, it gets to go to Hawaii and most important of all it gets to do all of that while not being suffocated in a pair of tight white chonies. But the evil, huge peen-hating executives at AMC (stands for A Motherfucking Cockhater) want to change all that. They’re saying that Jon Hamm’s free falling crotch snake has become distracting and they want him to put on some panties. They just won’t let Jon Hamm’s big dick be great. Cock blocking bitches.
A source tells the NYDN that Don Draper’s pants have become a little more fitted this season, so there’s nowhere for the Hammaconda to hide. The source says that when they shot in Hawaii and Jon Hamm had to wear tiny shorts, his cervix-cracking peen really came out to play and it made the whole crew giggle. They also had to Photoshop his bulge away in all of the promo posters for the new season. The source went on to say this shit:
“This season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination. Jon’s impressive anatomy is so distracting that they politely insisted on underwear. His privates are the inside joke. [He] knows what he’s got.”
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PHG: “Smell my finger.”
Tiny boy: “I know where it’s been and no thank you.”
When 6-year-old Alex Logan (above with PHG) met Prince Hot Ginge at the WellChild Awards in London yesterday afternoon, he wondered what we’d all wonder if we ever met his ginger hotness outside of a Las Vegas hotel suite: Why isn’t he so drunk that he’s sweating out vodka drops? Why aren’t there paid whores doing lines of coke around him? Why are his spicy peanut nipples covered?
Before meeting PHG, little Alex Logan told ITV News that he was going to speak for NONE OF US by saying: “I’m glad you’ve got your clothes on Prince Harry.” But since Alex has a little Dennis the Menace thing going on, PHG knew he was going to get hit with some mischief and before the boy let out that joke, he said this: “You keep looking up at your mum. It looks like you’re dying to say something but you’re worried she’ll tell you off. I heard you were on ITV earlier and you said something cheeky – but let’s not talk about that here.”
That was a cold move, ruining a sick child’s joke like that! I think that’s almost worse than PHG covering up his Flaming Hot Cheeto Puff while
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Not a day goes by when Lindsay Lohan’s saggy tit bags aren’t playing patty cake with her knees during a topless photo shoot, but while shooting a scene for that low-budget, direct-to-Xtube movie The Canyons, she played the “ohmygawd I can’t possibly show the chichis everyone on this planet has seen at least a dozen times” card.
TMZ says that before filming a scene where HoHan had to pull her freckled floor dusters out, she got a sudden case of the shies and told the crew that she’d only get topless if they stripped down to their boxers. Usually when HoHan makes a bunch of dudes take their pants off, the scene ends with her distracting them by giving them lazy handjobs while White Oprah sneakily crawls into the room to snatch all of their wallets from their pant pockets. Yeah, so if you’re one of those crew members, now you know where your missing wallet went.
This obviously just a planted story to make LiLo looks like the epitome of modest and the crack industry’s answer to Mother Teresa. Or maybe…. this story is made of truth and she only made those dudes get down to their chonies, because she’s so used to making her johns strip as soon as they walk through the motel door to make sure they’re not cops. Occupational hazard!
If you’re on a flight from L.A. to NYC and Anderson Cooper is quietly drifting into a silver fox slumber behind you, you have to take a picture of it. It’d be the most IMPORTANT thing in your life. You’re taking care of a screaming baby and that baby refuses to shut up? Show that annoying baby a picture of Andy Coo sleeping and that baby’s eyes will be too busy getting lost in that picture that it will forget to cry. You’re eating delicious pancakes at a Denny’s and a fight breaks out (because that’s just what happens at Denny’s). Show all those fighting whores a picture of Andy Coo sleeping and their raging assholes will instantly cool and you’ll be able to enjoy your delicious pancakes in peace. You’re on a date with me and trying to get away without being too obvious. Whip out that picture and make your escape as I lick the screen. Yes, you’ll lose a phone since I’ll eventually shove it down the back of my chonies, but that’s a small price to pay. What I’m saying is that a picture of Andy Coo doing mimi times is THAT soothing and THAT hypnotic. But the Silver Fox wants no part of that shit and read a bitch his rights for trying to capture that magical moment on his iPhone.
On Kathy last night, Andy said that on his 6am flight to L.A., he was trying to sleep when a sneaky bitch with an iPhone
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When TMZ said that someone is trying to sell a 45 minute-long jack off tape starring Tyson Beckford, horny whores from all around laid down the tarp, stocked up on lube, Saran Wrapped their mouse and made sure the credit card they use only for porn sites has enough room on it to buy this shit when it comes out. But Tyson said on Twitter that it’s not that serious and everyone can pull up their chonies, because the tape is not worth your fapping energy.
TMZ says that the tape is of Tyson handjobbing himself during a webcam chat with a lady model. In between squeezing his peen, Tyson bitches about always being mistaken for Tyrese and talks about some of his co-stars. Tyson tweeted (and then deleted) about his solo sexy times tape yesterday:
Tyson went on Twitter yesterday to address the issue with fans … saying he’s “sad but life goes on.”
“Don’t even faze me” … Tyson added … “We all do it, just mine got caught on film.”
He also admitted, “Not much of a sex tape lol.”
Who cares if Tyson’s sex tape is nothing but him yanking at his dick while saying through clenched teeth “I am not Tyrese dammit, I am not Tyrese dammit” over and over again? Who cares if Tyson’s
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Don’t bother getting up to pick up the sweatpants and chonies that shot off of your body after your genitals exploded from seeing Mickey Rourke struttin’ his sexy through some parking lot in Los Angeles yesterday. They’ll just shoot off again as soon you put them back on. When Mickey’s pants come off, everybody’s pants come off. This is a truth of life. What also seems to be a truth of life is that the huge bulge on his mouth is bigger than the bulge in his panty shorts. HUNG LIPS: Mickey’s got ‘em. So if you’re one of the lucky ones who gets to hump on Mickey, you now know where to direct your fuck part.
Two animal kingdoms became one on Mah Boo 369me last night when Anderson Cooper’s obsession with Courtney Stodden reached a fever pitch, and yes, it’s making me dip a thermometer in Vaseline. Coopertney (just pretend that worked) attempted to replicate Courtney’s signature “sedated Komodo Dragon having a face seizure while choking on a heave ball” facial expression and well….Mah Boo tried.
Trying to recreate Courtney’s sexy/snarl/idontevenfuckingknow face is like trying to recreate a Picasso using only a soaked piece of cardboard and a palette of wet fart splashes. It cannot be done and it is impossible. The original is a masterpiece. Actually, if you recreated a Picasso with wet fart splashes on a soaked piece of cardboard it would look a lot more like Courtney’s sexyface than whatever came out of Mah Boo’s face does.
Courtney’s facial expression makes it look like her brain is trying to escape through her face and it can’t find any open hole, and it takes a special (see: drugged up) kind of person to pull that off. But if there’s ever a contest to find the best impersonation of Mr. Burns licking on an invisible pussy, Mah Boo would be crowned the queen of that shit!
And yes, Google Bots, start stretching, because I will be searching for “how to embed an animated GIF into the back of a pair of chonies” as soon as I publish this bitch.
No. That headline is joking (no, it’s not). Whichever line on the wooden ruler Ashton Kutcher’s dick tip touches is between him and those nude colored chonies he’s wearing. But I wouldn’t say you were lying if you said that Ashton’s peen is 5lbs of sugar in a 15lb pixelated sack.
Acting out the beginning of the classic joke “a nekkid douche Jesus and a happy lesbian walk into a green room,” Ashton brought his nipples out for Ellen Degeneres in an episode of her show airing sometime next week. That box of pixels would look a lot better if it floated up and covered that mangy curled squirrel around his chin, but I still have to give this dick bag credit for selling a show the right way. WITH NIPPLES! MAH BOO, take note!
via People
UPDATE: Tara Reid is still married. But the man whose lips she drunk barfed on a little during the first kiss as husband and wife was not Michael Lilleund as everyone reported. We all figured that she married Michael Lilleund in Greece since it might be hard for Tara to find yet another dude who is okay with the scent of burnt bacon and deep fried pork buns hitting his nostrils when he titty fucks her. But Tara did it! Tara Tweeted that she married a dude named Zack Kehayov. Tara then Tweeted a picture of her wedding ring which was obviously created just for her by the jeweler to the stars Claire’s.
Michael Lilleund told the Dutch press that he’s way too busy scraping gristle bits and whiskey-marinated skin cheese out of his mouth from licking on Tara’s coochie rinds for months, and he hasn’t seen her since February.
Not much is known about this Zack Kehayov dude. Shit. We don’t even know if his name is really Zack Kehayov. I doubt Tara even knows herself. Even bitch’s ear drums are drunk, so his name could be Jack Carwash Mehoff for all she fucking knows. What we do know about the new Mr. Tara Reid is that he obviously jizzes in his chonies when he chews on bacon fat. Either that or he’s completely blind. For real this time!
via People
Lindsay Lohan is still under house arrest and can’t leave her den of delusion, so she can only do IN calls right now. One of those IN calls was a bare budget penny auction website called Beezid.com and they paid Blohan $25,000 to say a few lines in her living room for a broke commercial that makes the Gallagher’s Girls ad look like it was produced by James Cameron.
TMZ reports that LiLo originally turned down Beezid’s offer of $25k and $10,000 of credit on their site, but they eventually came to an agreement since she knows that OxyContins don’t grow on trees even if you stick one in a planter on your roof top and water it every day (she tried).
One could argue that because this womp womp bitch is throwing roof parties and shooting commercials during her house arrest, she is not being punished at all for breaking the law. But I say that when you go from starring in a movie with Jane Fonda to whoring yourself out in a 2 cent commercial for a bottom of the barrel website that scams people the same way you scammed the California Justice System, that’s a punishment in itself. Ho is a fuck up away from paying off her dealers by auctioning off her autographed chonies on Beezid.
And will LiLo please get the Design on a Dime people to come and save her living room, because that shit is busted.
