Justin Bieber was allowed to stay up past mimi times last night to sit on a booster seat on the Late Show stage and talk about serious adult stuff with David Letterman. Letterman asked the beaver equivalent of a Skipper Doll about getting swabbed in the mouth to prove that it’s impossible for him to father a baby since the only liquid he produces is Poof ‘n Puff Perfume.
Bieber told Letterman that the swabbing took all of ten minutes and he got to keep his clothes on the entire time. Letterman said that his eyes have turned red over Mariah Yeater’s claims and the scent of weasel farts have trickled into his nostrils. Bieber responded by saying, “I could smell a weasel too.” Little did Bieber know, that wasn’t the smell of a weasel, that was the smell of a gerbil slathered in Crisco that Uncle Usher brought him to “play” with.
As Justin waits for Mariah Yeater to give up DNA from her baby, he reunited with Uncle Usher on Today this morning where he kissed a Belieber on the hand without a condom on his lips (cut to 9 months later with her holding a Baby Alive on the cover of Life & Style) and gave a wardrobe assistant a Crying Game moment.
Time again to remind you of life’s most trustworthy truisms: 1) David Letterman is — and always will be — the king of late night, and 2) Jim Carrey is not just an A-List movie star, but perhaps the single greatest talk show guest of the past 20 years. Even when he’s accused of “plagiarism,” he shoots his pupils around, juts his jaw like an angered Katharine Hepburn, and comes out on top.
Oh, we all copy Tom Hanks sometimes, right? Hard not to pilfer a bit from the man who gave us Punchline.
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If that isn’t a face that makes your hand assume the fist position, then I don’t know what is. The mutant piece of turtle jerky that is Michael Lohan is once again trying to take the gold medal from White Oprah in the Pimp Whorelympics. Michael admitted to TMZ that he’s the one who booked Lindsay Lohan for David Letterman’s show tomorrow night. Last night, Late Night announced that LiLo would do The Top 10 list from a studio in Los Angeles, but they quickly retracted that statement after she denied it. They later said that someone posing as LiLo’s friend booked the appearance without her consent. That someone was Michael Lohan.
Michael’s side of the story is that he approached LiLo about the idea when David Letterman made fun of her during a Top 10 last week. LiLo was into it, but the deal exploded into freckle dust when her people found out about it and advised her to not do it. Michael poured a Trenta cup full of WHINE in front of TMZ, “Anything positive that I bring into her life … [her people] try to nix it.”
Lindsay Lohan’s life is a Late Night Top 10 list, so I don’t see how this can be diagnosed as “positive.” The only positive thing Michael and White Oprah can bring to LiLo’s life is a joint letter announcing their resignation as her fucking parents. But in the meantime, Michael should take a leisurely train ride to Tennessee to eat party tacos with Billy Ray Cyrus (not a euphemism).
