I don’t have 1% of the soothsaying powers Shanti Ananda (formerly known as Walter Mercado) has, but I’m willing to bet my EVERYTHING that Judge Stephanie Saunter will be welcomed into her Easter family dinner on Sunday with a wave of claps, a dozen high-fives and a damn parade led by Peeps, because she sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 120 days in jail. After the preliminarily hearing for LiLo’s grand theft case, Judge Stephanie lowered the felony charge to a misdemeanor, but then gave it to her real by declaring that she violated her probation and sentenced her to 120 days in jail. On top of that, she got 480 hours of community service. The good news is that LiLo is already a highly skilled supermugshotmodel, so she turned Lynwood into a Glamour Shots studio with her posing.
The other good news is that LiLo’s lawyer filed an appeal and the $75,000 bail was immediately paid. TMZ says that she’s already skipped into Lynwood, smiled for the mug shot camera, shot the shit with her old friends and then sashayed right back out. LiLo was in there for about 5 hours.
Somebody needs to get the justice system a jar of Vaseline and a Band-Aid, because I’m sure it’s asshole is pretty much all kinds of chafed due to
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Contrary to Gwyneth Paltrow’s belief, not every ho wants to sit on an antique farmhouse chair (imported from wherever the rarest antique farmhouse chairs exist) and sip from a bowl of liquefied black pearls while telling their pretentious cunt friends how most tiresome it is that a bald eagle chose to nest on the exact cliff where they want to build their early autumn mountain chalet (SPOILER ALERT: they bull dozed that nest down). And one of those Not Every Hos is Fishsticks’ very own husband Chris Martin.
According to Popeater, Chris was a guest at a dinner party to celebrate Fishy’s new cookbook and he gave the same pout his wife gives when her semi-private fishmonger (IN THIS ECONOMY, she has to share a fishmonger with the McCartneys and the royals) tells her that they’re all out of Osetra caviar. Apparently, Chris’ glumcuntface let everyone know that he would rather be sucking off a chainsaw than sitting with his wife’s friends.
When Chris arrived, reporters were told that he didn’t want to talk to anyone. Chris camped out in a corner and shriveled inside every time he had to hold a conversation with the likes of Martha Stewart and Mario Batali.
I subliminally threw Chris a “suck it up, cunt” look until I read what Jessica Seinfeld said before dinner began: “You are all so lucky to be
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Jennifer Aniston & Jakey Gyllenhaal?! How’s that for a heaping dose of LOL in your morning cup of whatever. It’s true that Jennifer and Jakey’s nipples became two for one of her better movies, The Good Girl, but that was just make believe play time stuff! But now Life & Style is trying to say that maybe just maybe, Jakey and Jennifer have brought their frosted mall photo love into real life. Their proof? Jennifer had herself a birthday dinner at The Spotted Pig last night, and Jake slipped out the back door so he wouldn’t be photographed with her. And there’s more. El fuckery from Life & Style:
Life & Style’s Scene Queens can exclusively reveal that Jennifer Aniston celebrated her 42nd birthday on Feb. 11 by having an intimate dinner with Jake Gyllenhaal in NYC.
The startlet took a break from her whirlwind promotional tour for her new film Just Go With It and made her way to The Spotted Pig restaurant where she dined in a private room with a group of friends and her former hunky co-star. “Jake and Jen looked really happy and really seemed to be enjoying themselves,” an eyewitness tells the Scene Queens. “They looked like they were strategizing a way to exit the restaurant probably because they didn’t want to be photographed
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When somebody asks you what that scent of rat whiskers, foundation residue and spicy hummingbird juice (aka Ken Paves‘ sweat) wafting off your body is, do you really want to look them in the eye and say with a straight face, “Oh, it’s Eva by Eva Longoria”? That is some shit that will make everyone in the room turn around and walk out. You know that not even Eva Longoria herself uses that shit as a toilet freshener or roach spray. But here she is whoring it out at a mall in London today. Did I say it smells like rat whiskers? No, it really smells like the saliva shooting out of Eva’s mouth when she laughs at the bitches who spent their hard-earned money on her perfume.
And the box! THE BOX! It looks like some bootleg company unlawfully stole a file photo of Eva and slapped it on the box of the feminine hygiene product they sell at The Dollar Store.
Here’s more of Eva making that money in London today and going to dinner at Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant last night with Posh. And by dinner, I mean Eva ate and Posh sniffed on dirty napkins brought to her by the busboys.
Jennifer Aniston left the Cabbage Patch Dolls with the sitter last night to have cocktails and dinner at the Sunset Tower Hotel with 29-year-old Harry Morton.
A nosy witness type tells Radar that Jennifer sat close to him (THEY’RE FUCKING) during dinner and touched his arm several times (THEY’RE FUCKING) while looking at pictures on his phone (THEIR FUCKING PHOTOS). When Harry got up to use the bathroom (TO GET HIS DICK HARD FOR FUCKING), Jennifer reapplied her lipstick (TO GET HER LIPS READY FOR FUCKING). Harry paid the check and they left in separate cars (TO MEET AT THE LOCAL GAS STATION TO FUCK).
I’m all for Jennifer getting herself a young piece, but somebody should really remind her that Harry Morton (owner of Pink Taco and heir to the Hard Rock fortune) used to bone Lindsay Lohan! And it was only a hot second ago that Jennifer said this when Extra asked her who she doesn’t envy:
“I don’t envy Lindsay Lohan. Poor thing.”
JENNIFER! If you don’t envy LiLo, then you shouldn’t get on the dude who used to snort lines off her labia and probably has gonorrhoea of the nostrils. Can you get gonorrhoea of the nostrils? Jennifer should check into that before she goes making out with Harry’s nose. Although, she has been with John Mayer before…
In London last night, Kate Winslet showed off her new-ish piece Louis Dowler (who might have come from the same batch as Gabriel Aubry) by taking his ass out for dinner and boozing. Apparently, Kate and Louis have been dating since May. Kate quickly picked up Louis, who writes MODEL TYPE next to occupation on his tax forms, after she filed for divorce from Sam Mendes.
Yes, Louis looks like he spent all day brushing his locks and meticulously styling that outfit in a three-way mirror, but who cares as long as he’s making Kate’s vagina declare itself the queen of the world while riding on the tip of his peen.
And here’s a picture from a few months ago of Louis’ nipples catching wind:
To be honest, I’m most jealous of Kate’s daughter in that pic. Riding in a rickshaw around the city is the way to go. If only it had a cup holder and a spritzer fan. It also wouldn’t hurt if Kate was wearing a flat-screen TV backpack.
Mia Farrow has probably licked on Woody Allen’s crotch worm with all the lights on, so obviously she’s been through some scary shit in her life. But nothing can prepare her for the wrath Naomi Campbell is going to bring upon her when she finds out about this! Rosemary’s baby ain’t got shit on Naomi!
Last week, Naomi the Terrible answered questions at the war crimes trial of former Liberian leader Charles Taylor about the night two men gave her a bunch of blood diamonds at Nelson Mandela’s house. Naomi testified that at first she didn’t know the “dirty looking stones” came from Charles Taylor. Naomi said she didn’t learn this bit of info until she had breakfast with Mia Farrow and other guests the next morning. But BITCH BAM BOOM, Mia Farrow testified at The Hague today that Naomi is the one who told her the diamonds came from Charles Taylor.
Mia better crawl into a bath tub full of holy water, because when you call out Naomi Campbell, you call out THE DEVIL! From ABC News:
Farrow testified that Campbell knew exactly who sent her diamonds after the dinner.
Farrow told the court what happened at breakfast the next morning: “[Campbell] was quite excited and she said last night I was awakened by someone knocking at the door. They were men sent from Charles Taylor and they gave me a huge diamond!”
Campbell testified Aug. 5th that at breakfast, Farrow told her the gift must have been from Taylor because no one else at the dinner could have given her uncut diamonds.
“Did you tell Naomi Campbell that the
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