Bitches can stop throwing Jessica Simpson a “GUUURRRRRL, you just swallowed three lifetimes of Weight Watchers points” side-eye when she puts her mouth around a Pop-Tarts and three sticks of butter sandwich, because she’s eating buttered Pop-Tarts for two now. Jessica tweeted this picture of Baby Maxwell this morning and it’s her way of letting everyone know that she’ll be birfing out her second baby in about 98 weeks or so. My hungover eyes saw this pic and thought the words read “BIG TITS.” That makes sense too since the last time Chestica got knocked up, her chichis grew to the size of Papa Joe’s bulging eyeballs when he sees a hairless, blonde twink sashaying by.
About a month ago, UsWeekly put a No Vacancy sign over Jessica’s uterus when they said that she came down with another case of the babies just a few months after she gave birth to Baby Maxwell. Then Weight Watchers threw a mountain of money at her, she lost 50 pounds and then said, “Fuckit, losing weight is overrated, I’m hongray!“
Weight Watchers didn’t miss a second and tweeted some words for Chestica:
Congrats to @JessicaSimpson, Eric and big-sister-to-be Maxwell! Your WW family is so thrilled for you. What an amazing year you’ve had!
Translation: “Um, here’s the receipt, can we go our moneys back?”
But really, congratulations to Chestica, Whatshisname and the makers of Pop-Tarts who will have another record-breaking year!
via People
Yes, I was one of the 10 trillion assholes who waited 90 minutes to see The Hunger Games (not to be confused with New York Fashion Week). Yes, I was also that asshole who threw a not-so-secret side-eye and an under the breath “stupid cunt” at the people in front of me whose group of friends magically showed up to join them in front of the line ten seconds before they let us in. (Note: That “stupid cunt” was really meant for me, because I’m mad that I didn’t have friends who waited 90 minutes in line for me.) You were probably one of those assholes in line with me, because EVERYBODY went to see that Hongray shit this weekend.
Deadline says that THG beat the sparkle out of the Twatlight Saga by earning $214.25 million internationally ($155 million domestically), making it the third biggest opening of all time behind Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2 and The Dark Knight. The last Twatlight movie opened with $138 million. That calmness you just felt was the universe sighing over the fact that every Twihard has stopped creaming…for now. Here’s this weekend’s top 10:
1. The Hunger Games - $155 million
2. 21 Jump Street - $21.3 million
3. Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax 3D – $13.1 million
4. John Carter 3D - $5 million
5. Act Of
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In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, 6-year-old-looking Justin Bieber gave his 19-year-old scissor sister Selena Gomez a titty check at a hockey game in Winnipeg over the weekend. Or maybe he’s grabbing at hers while wishfully dreaming about the day that his finally come in. Then The Lesbeaver and Selena put everybody in that VIP box on some kind of list when they kissed on each other while 69-ing through their jerseys.
Okay, I was 12 once a million years ago, so I understand that kids do this kind of shit when their hormones tell them they’re in love, but DAMN. Take this shit away from public eyes. This is why I told my mother never to throw away that empty refrigerator box in the garage. Not because I needed it for a science project, but because I needed it to make out in. Duh. Get an empty refrigerator box, Selena!
That titty grabbing picture is about as not right as not right can be. It’s like reverse Pedophilia. And you know how I feel about piercing a baby’s ears. Arrest them! Arrest their parents! Arrest us for looking at this! Arrest everybody!
Rebecca Black will have to learn about the other days of the week at home, because she left school last semester after JELIZ H8RS kept making fun of her in the hallways. Rebecca’s mom, who is schooling her at home in between helping with her career, tells ABC News (via TMZ) that the constant bullying became too much for Rebecca to take.
Well, at least Rebecca no longer has to make the Sophie’s Choice decision about which seat to take. Rebecca explained the hate like this:
“When I walk by they’ll start singing ‘Friday’ in a really nasally voice … Or, you know, they’ll be like, ‘Oh hey, Rebecca, guess what day it is?’”
“Guess what day it is?!” Did those bullies go to the Disney Channel school of bullying?
Rebecca needs to travel with me to my 8th grade experience and watch as the kids asked me, “Oh hey, Michael, guess what? You’re a dyke!” or “Oh hey, Michael, I can see your pussy in those shorts.“
I swear, 7th grade and 8th grade are the worst. 6th grade is sunshine and happiness, but as soon you step into junior high, everybody becomes a full-blown cunt. Everybody. Junior high is just a quad full of cunts after a quad full of cunts. But even though it was a fiery inferno of hormonal cunts, it taught me a life
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Because Dr. Quinn, medicine woman, knows all, Jane Seymour was one of the first to say The Sperminator spawned at least two more secret love children and she wouldn’t be surprised if there’s more out there (cue up The X-Files theme). According to biographer Ian Halperin, there are more mini Ahnolds in the world who can bench press 100lbs with their eyeballs and rip a onesie just by flexing their baby biceps. Basically, when Arnold wasn’t groping on anything with lady nipples, he was spraying his load everywhere.
Ian tells the Daily Mail that he has spoken to six women who claim that Mildred Baena isn’t the only side piece whose eggs got turned into Schwarzeneggs (sorry for that). Ian goes on to explain, “You’re going to see a plethora of other women come out of the woodwork.”
The Daily Mail piece also claims that Arnold never gets down with “gorgeous women” because he doesn’t want to be upstaged by their beauty and needs his women to worship him. Arnold has forever been Austria’s biggest man whore and he sees most women as objects who are only here to give his ego an erection.
What I’m learning about all of this is that if reincarnation exists, Arnold will definitely be reincarnated into a male seahorse in an ocean of female seahorses. Arnold will become the Michelle Duggar of male seahorses.
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And me. I didn’t get one of these in my mailbox either, but that isn’t going to stop me from making a counterfeit one using the most skilled day clerk at Kinko’s, a gold Sharpie a copy of Prince Hot Ginge’s saliva (made with jalapeno lube, the gel from 2 Red Hots, vodka mucous and liquid fire). This is the fancy invitation that Prince William and Kate Middleton sent out last week to 1,000 of their closest friends as well as 900 family members, government officials and dignitaries from around the world. Yes, and I’ve already sent my reply to Lord Richard Chamberlain requesting the bangers and mash for dinner and the spotted dick (I’m guessing PHG has freckles all over) for dessert.
Popeater says that one name has been left off the guest list for Prince Willy and Kate Bottompound’s wedding (or as Kate calls it, THE DAY THE CROWN IS FINALLY FUCKING MINE day) and that name begins with “The Original” and ends with “Fergie.” Even though Fergie’s ex-husband Prince Andrew and their two daughters were invited, Fergie was not. Sources say that the royal family did not appreciate Fergie selling their asses out and think that if she goes to the wedding, she’ll hide a camera in her QVC broach and sell the pictures to the News of the World. Fergie confirms
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Full Story »In Vivica Fox’s #itgetsbetter video for Essence TV, she tells the kids out there to make their own choices and be themselves no matter what the hating bullies say because it will lead them to success! Vivica would know since she’s constantly getting teased for her unique career choices. When Vivica chose to do the direct-to-DVD spectacular Motives, she got teased for it and then EVERYBODY started to do direct-to-DVD movies. When Vivica chose to star in the reality shit show Glam God, she got serious shade for it and then EVERYBODY started to do reality shows. When Vivica chose to act in the play Cheaper to Keeper, bitches pointed and laughed at her and then EVERYBODY started to do theater. None of these things really existed before Vivica touched ‘em.
And just so you know, Vivica actually shot this video years ago and got teased for it. And now EVERYBODY is doing #itgetsbetter videos.
via Queerty
When 19-year-old Taylor Swift and 33-year-old John Mayer worked on a song together last year, there were rumors that he gently slapped her cherry pie with his douche bottle peen. They never confirmed or denied that mess until now (sort of). Popeater says the junior champion squinter has a song on her album called “Dear John” (aka THIS SONG IS ABOUT JOHN MAYER. THAT’S WHY I CALLED IT DEAR JOHN. THE JOHN IS JOHN MAYER!!!), and the lyrics of the country fair mess make it sound like John Mayer snatched her snatch and then didn’t call her the next day. Here’s a piece of the song:
“Dear John
I see it all now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I should’ve known.It was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played
By your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so.My mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine
You’ll add my name to your long list of traitors
Who don’t understand
And I’ll look back in regret
I ignored what they said ‘Run as fast as you can.”
Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, knows that John Mayer is the type of assbag to whisper sweet pretties into your ear to get into those chonies and then he’ll cross the street when he sees you walking down the sidewalk the next day. Taylor needed to stick two tooth picks under her
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