Remember the old days when Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s manufactured smiles would make our genitals run up into our bodies and cling to our insides? It’s safe for your genitals to come back out again, because those days are officially over now that Tommy has ripped up their marriage license, threw the pieces into a stone bowl, added a little oil and muddled into a thick lube that he rubbed all over his Scientolohole and then humped away the pain he got from losing another beard. People says that less than two months after Katie filed for divorce, a judge in New York signed off on it and finalized that shit. The FREE KATIE mission is complete.
As everybody already knows, in the divorce settlement, Katie gets full control of her brain, a lump sum, child support and full custody of Scientology’s former golden child Suri. Tommy gets to visit Suri as long as he doesn’t try to kidnap her, drag to wherever the old Star Trek: The Experience ride is housed and teleport her to the Galactic Confederacy headquarters on the planet Htrae.
We should praise Mac, Wiploc and Zeebo from Earth Girls Are Easy (they’re Scientology’s demigods, right?), because Tommy is finally free and no longer has to drag around an insubordinate beard who frowns when he calls her “Kate” and
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