When it’s your birthday, the office manager at your job pulls out a card from a stack of birthday cards they bought on clearance at Big Lots, gets your co-workers to stop playing Solitaire for a second to sign it and then they give it to you with a Zinger from the vending machine and a $5 gift certificate to Gloria Jean’s (not even Starbucks!). That’s if you’re lucky. But if you’re Beyonce and it’s your second time turning 31, your friends, family, Basement Baby and your stalker named Gwyneth Paltrow all handwrite you birthday notes that get plastered all over your website. On this special BeyDay, a bunch of the people who are lucky enough to bask in light that glows from her halo wrote messages on an Internet wall of birthday wishes to her. It would’ve been more subtle if they all lined up and took turns licking her ass.
I’m guessing that Fishsticks Paltrow made her maid write this message to Bey while she hand stitched a wig of imported French yak hair for her best friend, because that writing! It’s trash! I refuse to believe that’s the handwriting of a fine British lady like Fishsticks. Fishsticks only handwrites with a swan feather dipped in liquefied onyx and that doesn’t look like ye old calligraphy to me. However, the whole “on the occasion
…
Full Story »
This story from The Sun is so fake that if I chopped it into a fat line and laid it out on a mirror, Kate Moss still wouldn’t snort it up. But it did lead me to this gem of Fishsticks Paltrow being the third, deflated, greasy wheel to Kate and Liv Tyler back in the day. Kate is totally saying to Liv: “Maybe if I hand this bitch an 8-ball, she’ll GOOP away.” Fishsticks is totally saying to Fishsticks: “Duuuuuuurrrrrp.”
So, both GOOPY and Kate Moss were guests at the owner of Topshop Sir Philip Green’s fancy and extravagant 60th birthday holiday in Mexico last week. Apparently, Kate would rather stay at home with her own child than spend 6 seconds with GOOP and the feeling is mutual. So when GOOPY ran into Kate while jogging along the beach, they tried to out-cunt each other and the hilariously fake altercation went something like this:
Kate: Oi, what you out jogging for?
GOOP: So I don’t look like you when I get old!
Kate: Why don’t you eat some fucking carbs!
As much as I’d like to believe that GOOP has the power to lighten a ho’s skin by shading her so much, this didn’t happen. GOOP would never jog on the beach in Mexico, because she’s too afraid of running into local poors. GOOP runs on a treadmill in her hotel suite while her
…
Full Story »
Chris Martin and GOOP are rarely ever photographed together and I get it. They’re both saggy cunt balloons full of cold farts of self-importance, but at least they know that most cameras can only handle one of their egos in the same frame. If the shells holding their egos touched as a camera’s flash went off, a black hole vortex would open up, sucking all of our souls into it and she wouldn’t have anybody on earth to terrorize with the piss streams of pretentiousness that shoot out of her mouth hole on a weekly basis. So we should be thankful to GOOP, blah blah blah… But sometimes they go so out of their way to not be photographed together that it makes them look even more ridiculous than usual. Yes, that’s possible.
When Coach threw Fishsticks Paltrow a party in London last night, Chris Martin showed up a little while after her dressed like a metrosexual unabomber and told all the photographers to keep their cameras away from him. Fine. The feeling is mutual, I’m sure. Show me a camera that wants to willingly wink at Chris Martin’s queef spout of a face and I’ll show you labia lips on a dick hole.
But then when the party was over, Fishsticks walked down the street to her car and Chris waited inside. When Chris was given the signal, he ran his stupid ass down the street and hopped into
…
Full Story »
Because you get all your hangover cure tips from a pretentious praying(foryoutobeasperfectasheroneday) mantises who leave you reaching for a bottle of anything that’s mind numbing, here’s one from Fishsticks Paltrow! Fishy tells Closer Magazine (via UsWeekly) what she does after a night of boozing (like she really does that) so she doesn’t feel like me after reading GOOP.
All you’ll need is water (imported from a mountain range that’s way better than the Alps), a private sauna and some envy tea!
“I have a great hangover cure. I take a cold shower in the morning and then I go into the sauna and drink a lot of water throughout the day. Green tea also helps!”
When Closer asked Fishy if it was okay to stick your face over a pot of water boiling on your hot plate if you don’t have a sauna, she started blinking uncontrollably until an assistant had to come in and whisper in her ear that everything was going to be okay even if she was in the presence of a poor. If you don’t have a private sauna, you shouldn’t get drunk, thankyouvermuch!
And speaking from experience, the best thing for a hangover is to not read about Fishsticks Paltrow’s hangover cures.
Before we go on, let me clarify to those of who don’t know that “mutti” isn’t a charming British nickname for Gwyneth Paltrow’s down low Apple maker. Let’s just get that straight, because that’s what I thought at first. “Mutti” is apparently what some Germans call their abuelitas. Although, according to Fishsticks, her mutti was a real cunt (insert audience applause here). Fishy’s never-ending book tour made a stop on Chelsea Lately last night, and the two started talking about their grandmas (at the 4:15 mark). Chelsea said hers was a real bitch and Fishy took off her “refined lady of the manor” act when she shot back and said hers was a real cunt.
Oh, Mutti Danner, I never got the chance to witness your cuntiness in all its glory, but I can say with complete confidence that I LOVE YOU. You will say the same thing to Mutti Danner’s spirit when you read what Fishsticks had to say about her:
“She just hated my guts, basically, and she tried to poison my mother against me. She must not have been very happy and she must have had a lot of pain because she was as mean as hell.”
Never mind that Fishy’s fake ass is trying hard to out-shock Chelsea, but Mutti Danner was truly a magical woman who knew that the little girl before her would grow into a GOOP monster that would terrorize the world with her oven burning pizzas of pretentiousness.
That being said, it seems like Fishy’s
…
Full Story »
The extra hung egos of Jay-Z and Fishsticks Paltrow crawled into a shrine to themselves and spent a good hour or two non-stop jacking each other off. Every few minutes, a certain verbal stroke (example: “You are the coolest man on Earth, how the f did you get like that?“) would make one of them ejaculate a GOOP bomb and they’d keep on going. By the end, the inside of that shrine smelled like organic smugness and self-entitlement. If that image is enough to shower your monitor with bile, then tell your stomach to save a little for the interview, because that shit is worse.
As part of the launch for his new lifestyle website Life + Times, Jay-Z let his friend Fishy interview him for HER lifestyle website GOOP. Ugh. What resulted was a bukkake of self-satisfaction. Read ‘em and let your stomach weep barf tears up into your throat.
GP: Life + Times is incredible—aesthetically, culturally … When did you get the idea to start it and how long have you been working on it?
JZ: I started working on it in its various incarnations over a year ago. I’ve thought about it forever. You know how it works, seeing other sites and being either inspired or saying, “That’s shit. I would do it
…
Full Story »
Today in Hollywood, Fishsticks Paltrow got her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, an honor that only goes to those important individuals with at least 1 IMDB credit and a valid cashiers check for $25,000, and there was something backwards going on with her face. Either next week’s issue of GOOP is going to be all about how you too can make your face look as frozen as the inside of the Metrodome with the help of distilled organic hummingbird saliva, or this is what it looks like when the sun directly shines down on the face of a zombie. Or maybe Fishy’s face turned to iced wax when she internally cringed at having to actually get that close to the sidewalk without a white glove on. The things a bitch will do to push a movie!
Here’s more of Fishy with her Country Strong co-star Tim McGraw, his wife Faith Hill and Matthew Morrison working their shit on the streets of Hollywood today.
Fishsticks Paltrow as a down home country star?! And not just any down home country star, but a down home country star who wakes up in a puddle of her own whiskey-scented barf and drunkenly dances on top of tables at bars! Please, like we don’t know that Fishy wakes up on 10,000-count thread sheets and doesn’t get on top of her $50,000 imported coffee table unless it will help her get closer to her spiritual essence. This shit is not believable!
My favorite part of this trailer is at the very end when Fishy is supposed to be hoofin’ it up on stage, but she looks more like that 30-day lemon seed and cucumber water cleanse got the best of her and she’s trying to run for the nearest toilet.
That being said, I really hope the cat on Tim McGraw’s head gets a nomination for this since the poor thing was ROBBED of one for playing John Travolta’s hair in Old Dogs.
via Vulture
