Somebody Got A MasterCuts Blow Out

You know it's a special occasion when Brad Pitt gets defleaed and fully groomed. Brad got his anal glands pinched and flat ironed his way to Fabio levels of beauty last night for the Make It Right Gala in New Orleans. Yes, Brangelina's maids spent most of their night scrubbing the ass jelly, scalp grease and dick smegma from the bottom of Brad Pitt's shower, but it was well worth it, because for once he didn't have a Pig Pen cloud of stank around him.

That blowout made Brad look like a Keith Urban wax figure made with orange candle gel and a recycled wig from a Jennifer Aniston mannequin, so what I'm saying is that this is a few steps up from bitch's usual raggedy look. And I don't even mind that he's dressed like he should have a stack of cocktail napkins and a plastic tray of canapés in his hand.

Here's more of St. Angie and Brad at last night's thing as well as some pictures of Angie walking around with three members of the child army in New Orleans today. I guess a daily diet of McDonald's and gas station food is the way to go, because Zahara and Pax are almost adult people height! And I see Zahara trying to keep Blue Ivy in check with that blue braid. Shots fired.

Madge Has Still Got It!

Note to you: Now you know that the only way to protect your brown-skinned baby boy from the claws of Madge is to line his crib with hydrangeas. Some vampires hate crucifixes, Madge hisses at hydrangeas.

During a press conference last week at the Venice Film Festival for the latest cinematic shit dingle that Madge has squirted out, a reporter type handed her a hydrangea since he knew very well that you're supposed to bring some kind of offering to the vampire queen and he couldn't get a hold of a basket of baby veins at the last minute. Being the refined English lady of the manor that she is, Madge graciously accepted the flowers with a fraudulent smile and when he turned away, she did the bitch squint with her eyes and then said to the ho sitting next to her, "I absolutely loathe hydrangeas. He obviously doesn't know."

HA.

It should warm your cunt gene to see that Madge's oh-so-subtle bitchiness gets better with age. On the other hand, it should eat the edges of your nerves to see that Madge still talks like she's Maggie fucking Smith in Downton Abbey. Bitch, you've had too much Paltrow in your life.

And right after Madge's cold zombie hands let go of the hydrangea, it turned into death dust and was carried up into the lungs of the reporter by the airs of self-importance that she regularly queefs out. His last words were, "And I was going to give that cunt a good review."

Here's the hydrangea hater and her child army going through Heathrow Airport yesterday

The Invitation That Everybody But Fergie Got In The Mail

And me. I didn't get one of these in my mailbox either, but that isn't going to stop me from making a counterfeit one using the most skilled day clerk at Kinko's, a gold Sharpie a copy of Prince Hot Ginge's saliva (made with jalapeno lube, the gel from 2 Red Hots, vodka mucous and liquid fire). This is the fancy invitation that Prince William and Kate Middleton sent out last week to 1,000 of their closest friends as well as 900 family members, government officials and dignitaries from around the world. Yes, and I've already sent my reply to Lord Richard Chamberlain requesting the bangers and mash for dinner and the spotted dick (I'm guessing PHG has freckles all over) for dessert.

Popeater says that one name has been left off the guest list for Prince Willy and Kate Bottompound's wedding (or as Kate calls it, THE DAY THE CROWN IS FINALLY FUCKING MINE day) and that name begins with "The Original" and ends with "Fergie." Even though Fergie's ex-husband Prince Andrew and their two daughters were invited, Fergie was not. Sources say that the royal family did not appreciate Fergie selling their asses out and think that if she goes to the wedding, she'll hide a camera in her QVC broach and sell the pictures to the News of the World. Fergie confirms that she wasn't invited and says that she never expected a royal eVite to land in her inbox anyway.

It isn't a royal event without Fergie there to throw cunt shade at The Queen (a cuntsy, if you will) and then ruin the whole thing by drunkenly falling into the cake while doing the electric slide. Fergie can be my plus one when I crash that shit with the help of my counterfeit invitation. But she better wear her finest gold leisure suit since Prince William and Kate are obviously serious about their loungewear.