Halle Berry instantly became my Best Dressed of the Golden Globes last night when she walked onto the red carpet looking a train full of crazy and a train full of tacky crashed into her at the same time. Halle finally wore a gown that perfectly describes her current mental state. That mess of a dress was designed by Donatella Versace, but it looks more like one of Ed Hardy’s used cum rags. I swear I’ve seen that same pattern on a muscle t-shirt worn by a douchebag who was bouncing his head to a techno song in his electric yellow BMW while stopped at a red light.
Everything about Halle’s dress is demure from the slit to the cut out to the way the bottom of her dress looks like a dirty clear shower curtain. That’s what my clear shower curtain looked like after I washed the red Manic Panic out of my hair. And if Halle wanted to wear a dress that made her left tit look like it was clinging to her right tit out of fear, she picked the right one! Who wouldn’t want to wear a dress that makes their titties look like they’re doing the slow wall slide to the right? Wall slide titties are so in right now.
And back to the slit. We’re still witnessing the effects of St. Angie’s fame whoring leg of 2012. See: Halle Berry, Rosie Huntington-Whateverly, Heidi Klum and Eva Longoria.
Nicole Kidman’s mannequin face on W Magazine is a mysterious tundra where you aren’t sure if it sucked up all the Photoshop or all the Botox. – Popsugar
Could be worse. Could be FEZ. – Lainey Gossip
“Are you there, coke? It’s me, Linday. Show yourself!” – The Superficial
Hillary Clinton parties in Colombia and I’m totally disappointed that she doesn’t have a scrunchie around her wrist – Towleroad
Heidi Klum and others teach us how to get nekkid ass nekkid without showing shit – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Poke at me when there’s a story about Prince Hot Ginge waving his gun around, if you know what I mean – Celebitchy
Nicolette Sheridan’s face is looking as tight as her nalgas – Hollywood Tuna
Halle Berry is giving us leopard wearing a mourning veil realness – Popoholic
Are we sure Emma Watson’s just not bird feeding her boyfriend some chewed up hot dog? – The Berry
Okay, Beyonce, you can retire those three blind mice glasses already – Crunk + Disorderly
Demi Moore’s return to Twitter is real deep – ICYDK
Gay of Thrones – OMG Blog
Jason Segel wears his heart on his iPhone – Just Jared
High times at Coochella – Cityrag
Well, dude’s lenses did look a little blood shot – Videogum
Khloe Kardashian has never looked hotter! – Hollywood Rag
I thought mares were afraid of mice? - I’m Not Obsessed
Adrienne Bailon and her amateur pook-a-poon theatrics can step aside, because here’s a real divine goddess who knows how to serve HO SHIT with a heaping serving of class and elegance. No, this isn’t Carmen Carrera with an Eva Longoria face mask on. This is a mysterious and delicate flower named Micaela Schaefer. I’m only calling her mysterious, because I don’t know who the fuck she is!
Apparently, Micaela was on Germany’s Next Top Model for a quick second, but was kicked off since Heidi Klum was jealous of her beauty. Obviously. Micaela now pays her pussy waxing bill with DJ gigs and appearances at such family friendly events like the Holiday on Ice Show in Berlin. Micaela sashayed into the Holiday on Ice Show and gave the children some Holy Bible glamour by coming as the gorgeous slut version of the Garden of Eden complete with her not-so-forbidden fruits on display. I’m so glad that someone is teaching the children of Germany that you aren’t officially a style icon until you’ve chafed your pussy lips on a piece of fake snakeskin. I am just like that lady in the background. I can close my eyes forever now that I’ve seen it all.
