The makers of Texas Chainsaw — or Texas Chainsaw 3D, as it’s being widely advertised — would like to you forget all about nearly 40 years’ worth of sequels, prequels, remakes and reboots, and pretend that only a couple of decades or so have passed since the events depicted way back in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974). Helmer John Luessenhop (Takers) and a small army of scripters go back to the bloody roots of the long-running franchise to concoct a better-than-average horror-thriller that relies more on potent suspense than graphic savagery or stereoscopic tricks. Don’t be surprised if it scores a B.O. killing.
Pic begins quite literally where Tobe Hooper’s ‘74 original left off, with a shrieking, blood-splattered beauty fleeing the homestead of a psycho-killer clan, pursued by a masked and humongous brute wielding a chainsaw. The new plot kicks off when angry locals arrive on the scene, torch the home of the fiendish family, and prematurely celebrate as they rashly assume they’ve destroyed Leatherface, the chap with the chainsaw, and all his creepy kinfolk.
Flash-forward about 20 years: Lovely young Heather Miller (Alexandra Daddario) is thrown for a loop when she’s informed that the white-trash couple she’s always known as mom and dad really are her adoptive parents. Truth to tell, however, this revelation doesn’t appear to strike her as bad news. Besides, she’s perked up by what she thinks is good news: A recently deceased grandmother she never knew she had has bequeathed her a palatial home near a small town in Texas.
Accompanied by her boyfriend (R&B artist Tremaine “Trey Songz” Neverson), another fun couple (Tania Raymonde, Keram Malicki-Sanchez) and a too-friendly hitchhiker (Shaun Sipos) they pick up along the way,…
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Jón Gnarr, the Mayor of Reykjavík (46)
Kate Bosworth (30)
Karina Smirnoff (35)
Paz Vega (37)
Dax Shepard (38)
Will Kirby (40)
Taye Diggs (42)
Christy Turlington (44)
Cuba Gooding Jr. (45)
Tia Carrere (46)
Gabrielle Carteris (52)
Todd Haynes (52)
Kim Coates (54)
Christopher Durang (64)
Jack Hanna (66)
We all know that Lindsay Lohan has no shame, no pride, and not one fuck to give (LIES!!! – Lindsay’s johns). We were all wondering why her broke ass stowed away on a plane to London as Jay Harvey reported yesterday (no we weren’t, but just go with it). So it’s no surprise that even after Max George from the Wanted called her a groupie, and even though she said her ass was staying home and baking cookies for New Year’s Eve, Crushable says they can guess why: to continue following the band around like a mangy kitchen ass fur wearing puppy dog. LiLo, the Unwanted. No, I’m sure she’s in London to entertain the royals at their request. HAHAAHAHA I crack myself up.
So much for impressing the judge in her probation violation case or club slap down case or whichever charge she’s facing this time by NOT partying like a rock star. Well, I guess the Wanted aren’t real rock stars, so it doesn’t count. She’s just partying like a blip on the music screen, so it’s okay. Plus, she consulted her Magic 8 Ball, asked it if Max really loved her, and it responded “HELL NO” so she took that as a maybe. Then she smoked it.
WENN
Jennifer Lawrence (or “JLaw” as a friend calls her, indicating we really are that lazy as a species) had always impressed me as a sensible girl and a fairly talented actress. She was hot as the redneck meth-family girl getting her ass beat by mountain hags in Winter’s Bone. And she wisely didn’t try to upstage Effie Trinket or Woody Harrleson’s demure yet devastating wig in Hunger Games. But then she went and told Marie Claire South Africa (via Radar) that she’s a big fan of Keeping Up With The Kardashians and Dance Moms. That’s unfortunate.
Ms. Lawrence serves up that typical Hollywood starlet interview where she claims to be a stay-at-home mom and not one of those Lohan types who’s always doing the reverse cowgirl on a bottle of Svedka. She loves to be home on a her couch, watching horrific TV guaranteed to drive any thinking person to put a gun in their mouth. Basically she likes all the shows I do except for Kunty Kim & Fam. Even this guttersnipe can find a standard or two in her overnight bag.
“After it’s 11, I’m like, ‘Don’t these kids ever get tired?’ When I’m out, I think about my couch. Like, ‘It would be awesome to be on it right now. I bet there’s an episode of Dance Moms on. Am I missing a new episode of Keeping Up with the
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New Year’s Eve started early in Cabo San Lucas! Here’s a pic that Stacy Kiebler tweeted of Michael Phelps and herself playing a friendly little game of beer pong with the message “Dominating. #TeamBaltimore #geometry m_phelps00 #goodtimes.”
Gossip Cop says half of Hollywood is in Cabo right now, including George “I came for the Phelps” Clooney, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Jimmy Kimmel, Emily Blunt and Molly McNearney. But none of them know how to party like a frat boy like these two. I guess the multi-talented Phelps can swim AND drink like a fish!! That is truly bringing home the gold. And you know Stacy’s ass can put away some booze, like she does every night while she writes “Mrs. Stacy Clooney” over and over in fancy script on tear stained paper.
My question is, how long did it take Phelps to figure out that Stacey had asked him to play “pong” and not “bong”?? I wonder how many times he tried to light his beer. “This shit is too wet, and where the hell is the carb??” -Phelps.
Happy New Year! I say we all do like Stacy and Michael and start getting our drunk on NOW.
She’s really bringing that direct-to-dvd Disney villainess thing to life, huh? Adam Lambert saw Miserable Lesbians, was dismayed by the singing, and sauntered onto Twitter to let them have it, hunty. Fuck, this blog is starting to become DLesMized. Blame her.
‘Les Mis: Visually impressive w great Emotional performances. But the score suffered massively with great actors PRETENDING to be singers. It’s an opera. Hollywoods movie musicals treat the singing as the last priority. (Dreamgirls was good).’
Wise choice not coming for Beyonce. She would simply whisper into Blue Ivy’s ear, BIC’s eyes would turn pure white, and all of Lambert’s M.A.C. products would spontaneously combust.
Lambert went on to say that he thought Anne Hathaway was great, though. Sweet Jesus, do NOT give that bitch any more lube.
“One more clarification: DO go see it for Anne Hathaways performance. It’s was breathtaking.”
It’s heartening to find someone else whose grammar is worse than mine. Not by much. This bitch is pressed because he wanted to play the emaciated French hooker. He had a whole glittery ragamuffin costume made for the audition, and a daring makeup scheme devised complete with a “starvation” smokey eye. Gritty but still glamorous. Then he found out he’d have to shave his head. Ain’t nobody touchin’ Miz Adam’s mop.
The only exposure I’ve actually had to Adam
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Here’s Lynx the kitten teaching all of us a very important lesson: When there’s a bowl of lasagna soup (or whatever the hell that is) on the table across from you and you’ve got the drunks so bad that you keep falling while trying to get to it, keep going after it. You may fall a thousand times, but you’ll get it sooner or later. This is basically going to be all of us at around 12:02 tomorrow morning. Happy New Year!
via SayOMG
During her last pregnancy, Jessica Simpson broke every copy of Elle’s Photoshop when she posed nekkid ass nekkid and talked non-stop about how she couldn’t get enough of Eric Johnson sticking his gold digging peen up into her amniotic fluid ocean. And now we’re doing it all over again. Chestica tweeted this picture of her making third degree duckface while showing off the skin globe where her second baby is growing. Since Jessica and Eric are horniest when she’s knocked up, I don’t even want to think of the things they’re doing with her deep ass belly button. Let’s not go to that place. It’s way too late in the year for that shit.
And judging by her last pregnancy, I’m guessing she’s about 10 days knocked up here. Only 545 days to go!
via UsWeekly
Actor and columnist Nicholas Brown wrote a piece for The Atlantic about how he auditioned for a role in an AIDS PSA and got skeeved about having to play a homo.
The Atlantic (via Queerty):
I am not gay. I have no shortage of gay friends. My uncle is gay. I’ve marched in a gay pride parade. More than half of the roommates I have lived with are gay. I support marriage equality.
So it comes as a shock to me when I realize that, actually, if I am honest with myself, I’m not comfortable with kissing another man on camera. I really don’t want to book this part.
I don’t want people to think I’m gay. And I’m even more uncomfortable because that isn’t a thought that I want to have.
Oh, the violins. My people thank you.
I, at least, am sorry. You don’t have to believe in a Judeo-Christian god to find something redeeming in confession. I am sorry that I balked at the idea of pretending to be gay. I am sorry that my uncle went home alone all those years. I am sorry for the whole ugly human history of slights and hate crimes and exclusion.
Easy there, Matyr Mike. Can someone collect my eyeballs because they’ve rolled right the fuck out of their sockets. Do
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It was a bittersweet day for Matthew McConaughey on Friday. It was sweet, because his wife Camila Alves birthed out their third kid together. It was bitter, because he couldn’t pass around pink or blue joints since he’s only nibbling on leaves and drinking cups of cold air to play Ron Woodruff. Matthew busted out a smiley face while making his baby samba out of Camila’s cooch by playing her baby bump like a bongo drum, but then he quickly busted out a frowny face when he realized that he can’t take a congratulatory puff from his favorite bong.
The Texas T-Rex hasn’t said anything about his third kid on Twitter, yet, but sources tell People that Camila gave birth in Austin, TX on Friday. People’s source needs to be a better source, because they don’t know if Camila had a boy or a girl and they don’t know the kid’s name. Useless source!
Matthew and Camila’s 3-year-old daughter is named Vida and their 4-year-old son is named Levi, so I hope they did the right thing by naming their new kid Loca. If you put a little chili on your tongue and say the names Levi, Vida and Loca really fast, it sort of sounds like Livin’ La Vida Loca!
