The Llama that goes to the Dentist!
Whoever is responsible for this Sesame St segment must have been tripping their balls off! Why the fuck does this girl have a llama in NYC? Why does she bring him to the dentist? Was his appointment before or after Sarah Jessica Parker’s? It’d be easier to decipher the meaning of life than try to figure out what the hell is going on here, but when I was a kid this made me want to move to NYC. If bitches were insane enough to bring farm animals to the dentist, I knew it was the place to be. Given that I saw some bitch walking a rabbit the other day, I was right!
Just ignore the title of the video. This isn’t a FUNNY DRUNK ASIAN FAIL, this is a FUNNY DRUNK ASIAN WIN. (The real drunk half-Asian fail was me passing out at 12:02am in a saliva puddle on the sofa pillow while watching House Hunters after getting drunk on just one and a half glasses of champagne. Frying my gutter water-soaked brain under the sun all day turned me into a lightweight. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.)
This video is two years old (approximately, 196 in Internet years), but it’s making the rounds now and it’s the perfect way to start the New Year right (read: drunk). At a Green Day show in Irvine two years ago, a pre-rehabbed Billy Joe Armstrong pulled an Asian sensation on stage and the dude dropped a fuck bomb and did the Horatio Cane before stage doing a lukewarm stage dive.
Psy wishes he could party like this. Gangnam Style, what?
via VVV
The Chicklets from Punky Brewster
The 80s threw these hot bitches up and thank God for it. The Chicklets were a VERY cool and exclusive club that decided to let Punky and Cherie in as members so they could all do drugs in Punky’s jacked up treehouse. And talk about drugs! One of the greatest scenes in TV history occurs when the head Chicklet whips out her stash and bitch has joints, pills AND a vial of crack! I think there’s some Benadryl in there. Unfortunately we don’t get to see anyone get high and fall out of the treehouse, but this is THE textbook “very special episode” about drugs. It speaks for itself.
Justin Bailey, the password that lets you play as a chick in Metroid!
Back when I was a kid, playing Nintendo was my only activity other than eating, shitting and wishing I was Susan Lucci, and Metroid was my favorite game. Normally when you play Metroid, you are this booger colored Iron Man-looking thing, but entering JUSTIN BAILEY with a bunch of dashes under it lets you play as this purple-haired bitch in a bathing suit and thigh highs. Apparently she’s Samus, the character sans armor, which makes Metroid a feminist text or some shit, but to a baby homo, this bitch was IT.
Fun fact: Apparently Justin Bailey is not anyone that worked at Nintendo, but a random code whose letters corresponded to that spelling. You know some dork named their baby this, dashes and all.
Aka, the former Miss Ukraine and the most graceful wig-wearing angel of the season who is bringing you the Christmas anthem of 2012.
I first heard about this Eastern European gift from Jesus last month when she threatened to sue the BLATANT THIEVES who wrote and produced the song “Call Me Maybe” for stealing some of the lyrics to her song “Hunky Santa.” Carly Rae Jepsen should be spending her Christmas in a Canadian prison cell getting waterboarded with maple syrup while a Nickelback Christmas song (please tell me one doesn’t exist) blares in her ears for screwing with Aka. Yes, aka is short for Also Known As The True Definition Of Talent.
Aka should also sue the writers of “Santa Baby,” because they’re obviously future see-ers who looked into the year 2012, listened to her masterpiece of a holiday song and then stole the entire idea for their song. Aka should also sue Debbie Harry for stealing her face and Linda Hogan for stealing her entire style. And she should sue the makers of wigs made out of shredded Styrofoam for stealing her luscious hairstyle. Basically, Aka should sue the world for copyright infringement, because she’s a one-of-a-kind original flower and we’re all stealing from her.
Merry Christmas, everybody! If you didn’t get a Hunky Santa for Christmas this year, tell your genitals not to frown, because you got something even better: the gift of natural beauty and pure elegance in form of a Ukrainian goddess!
David Svoboda, the “I Like The Tin Man” Kid from 1983’s A Christmas Story!
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday, so who better to usher it in then the true star of A Christmas Story? Looking like Aviator Snoopy mated with the Joker, this kid stole the show. Merry Christmas!
Fun Fact: The “I Like The Tin Man” kid grew up and went on to write a short film called The Last Blow Job.
We all know french bitches are the biggest sluts, and this one is truly the grandest of them all! Tied with Suriname as the South American country no one gives a shit about, French Guiana (sometimes spelled Guyane, but that looks like an intestinal disease) is an overseas territory of France, has a capital named after a pepper (Cayenne) and apparently also has a fucking space center where they launch rockets from. In 6th grade, my whole class got randomly assigned a different South American country to do a report on, and the bitch that got French Guiana had no idea what to do for his presentation. So he just put on a poncho, held some bananas and pretended not to speak any English, claiming that was an authentic French Guianese experience.
The AOL CD that terrorized everybody in the 90s!
We should all be shocked and surprised that we actually made it out of the 90s without drowning under a mountain and sea of the CDs that AOL sent out every millisecond of every day. Those evil overlords at AOL tried to take over the world one installation CD at a time, so if you were around in the 90s, you probably got one of these in your mailbox every single day. AOL reproduced those damn CDs faster than roaches produce roaches, bunnies produce bunnies and the Duggars produce Duggars. They not only came in the mail, but you could get them at schools, drugstores, grocery stores, Blockbusters and everywhere else. They grew on trees, infected your nightmares and when you looked into the toilet after taking a caca to see if you were “healthy,” your shit wasn’t banana-shaped, it was shaped like an AOL CD. In 1998, the CDC reported that the AOL installation disc was the fastest spreading virus of the 90s. It was like a non-stop herpes outbreak for your mailbox.
I don’t know if anybody actually used the AOL CD to install AOL onto their computer. They used it for everything else, though. It was used as a pizza cutter, a touch-up mirror, a portable coke-snortin’ surface, a frisbee, a drink coaster and a cock ring for Enrique Iglesias.
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Larry Duncan and Randy Shepard, the best couple in the best picture taken on Happy Gay Wedding Day in Seattle, Washington yesterday.
Photographer Meryl Schenker went to the King County Administration Building on the day that gays and gayelles could legally get married in Washington and she wanted to find a couple who went against stereotypes and she found one in Larry and Randy from North Bend. 56-year-old Larry and 48-year-old Randy have been together for 11 years and I bet they’ve been growing their beards out for 11 of those 11 years. Their love is as strong as those beards.
When Larry and Randy were told that their picture had gone viral and was shared over 9,000 times on Facebook, Randy laughed and said, “That’s just who we are.“
If Ennis and Jack stayed together, this is what the end of Brokeback Mountain would’ve looked like.
via Dallas Voice
