Semenology, the cocktail cookbook that puts the cock in cocktail. (Note: If the heaves are crawling up your throat right now, let me try to make it feel better by telling you that picture is really just watered down goat milk and flat Coke.)
Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer’s fascination with using dick milk in everything has taken his cum-guzzling ass to the liquor cabinet. Over four years ago, Paul shot out Scientology’s unofficial cookbook “Natural Harvest: A Collection Of Semen-Based Recipes” and he’s following that up with a mixology book full of man chowder-based cocktails. It’s the perfect book to have if the Kardashians, John Travolta or Paris Hilton regularly show up to your cocktail parties. Paul’s book teaches nut leche-lovers how to make cocktails like a Mexican Cumslide (Side note: Paul is probably going to hear from Kat Von D’s lawyers, because that’s what she calls her chocha and she has that name trademarked and everything), a Watermon Gin Jizz and a Slightly Salty Caviar. For all those recipes, you have to milk a peen to get the main ingredient.
Paul’s book also includes tips on how to make dick yogurt taste better (you sprinkle ginger in it) and how to make it last longer (you put it in the freezer). Paul also says different dudes jizz out different-tasting splooge. So if you’re in the mood for something that is powdery, crusty and
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It’s a Happy New Year for Hugh Hefner. No, the medical community didn’t introduce a colostomy bag that doubles as a Viagra injector. Crystal Harris‘ trick ass stayed around for their wedding last night! Hef, 86, and his engagement ring-collectin’ ladyslave, 26, tied the knot in a small ceremony at the Playboy Mansion right before Playboy’s annual NYE party. It doubled as their wedding reception, according to TMZ.
Can you blame Hef for going for the twofer on parties? The last time he put a ring on this fickle ho’s finger, she took it, jumped the wall and told everyone how truly disgusting it was having sex with a flaccid mummy on a Hoverround. And then she pawned that ring! Cold-blooded.
He must really need a titslicious bedpan attendant to work the midnight to 6 shift be in love to take her back and buy her another bauble. Either that or he has her family imprisoned in the secret dungeon under that grotto. Whatever works, Hef.
These pics are from Crystal’s Twitter and Instagram. Check out the one from the ceremony. Hef has an equally ancient friend standing up for him. It’s very Brothers Grimm, with the wizened warlocks and terrified-beyond-reason village slut being forced into marriage.
Crystal Harris’ last diamond engagement ring that Hugh Hefner gave her ended up on someone else’s finger after she auctioned it off for $38,000 (it cost $90,000) and now here’s the latest diamond ring that’ll end up in a pawn shop dealer’s hand in a few months when her marriage ends and she can’t make the payment on her leased Mercedes. Since Hef can barely remember what flavor of Snack Pack pudding he had for breakfast, he doesn’t remember that Crystal left him sitting on his Hoveround at the altar and then sold her engagement ring to Christie’s. He probably thinks she’s new here. So they’re getting married on New Year’s Eve and she flaunted her new gold digger prize on Twitter yesterday! ROMANCE!
The ring is as tacky as her white and pink French manicure, but at least it’s big and shiny. It gives Crystal something to ooooh and aaaaah at when Hef’s comatose caterpillar dick slips out of her and two nurses have to resuscitate it with two tiny defibrillator pads before shoving it back in her coochie.
I’ve thrown hate at Crystal before for being a failure of a gold digger, but maybe I was wrong and she’s really pulling a genius scheme. Hef is notorious for giving
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Full Story »Obviously, the chicken came first. – Sweetas
Runners-up:
Octomom’s self pleasuring film was a bitter disappointment. – crankenstein
John Doe #2 thought he had conquered his fears and was ready to return to work…until the therapy chicken arched up and opened its gizzards. – turnelbup
Once the money ran out, Crystal Harris knew JUST what to do to get Hugh Hefner back. – Skatesofgold
(Thanks, Stacy)
Lindsay Lohan would fellate a frog for a dime bag (Who wouldn’t, though?) and give Hugh Hefner’s colostomy hole a wet willy for a spread in Playboy, but now she’s really hit the “ground zero desperation” button on life’s elevator by begging perv du jour Terry Richardson to love her. LiLo took her crack poon for a ride on Terry’s pedo stache a few times, but she wants more from him. If you have a carbon monoxide detector near you, it’s probably screeching from thinking about the toxic fumes these two created when they side fucked on Terry’s floor. It’s stories like this that make me wish the image creator in my brain had an off switch.
A source tells Radar that LiLo is burning up Terry’s phone, but even if she was a barely legal American Apparel model, he still wouldn’t want her:
“Lindsay and Terry have been friends for years and she’s always had a thing for him. Lindsay thinks he’s really cool and hip and could be great for her career. They had a major night of passion after they worked on this photo shoot together and now she’s going all out to get her claws into him. But Terry is just not interested in pursuing a relationship with Lindsay and totally regrets hooking up with her.
Lindsay has been texting and phoning him nonstop and he’s actually kind of freaked out by
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You’ve been hearing about it for years, and at last, the fabled Hugh Hefner biopic that will never get made has moved from Universal to Warner Bros. The one and only Jerry Weintraub will produce, at least until he won’t. “While Universal had filmmakers like Brett Ratner attached at one time or another and actors like Robert Downey Jr. and Hugh Jackman mentioned as possibles to play Hef, the project languished,” Mike Fleming writes at ML’s sister site Deadline. “Wentraub would not disclose what part of Hefner’s life he will cover, and he denied that Harry Potter scribe Steve Kloves is being talked to as a potential screenwriter.” Finally! We’re getting somewhere. [Deadline]
Here’s one way to deflect attention from NYU GradeGate: Variety reports that James Franco is in talks to play Playboy impresario Hugh Hefner in Lovelace, the porn biopic starring Amanda Seyfried as the titular XXX actress Linda Lovelace, of Deep Throat fame. Unfortunately — or fortunately? — Franco’s role would be limited to a one-day cameo, which sounds like something along the lines of his blink-and-you’ll-miss-it Green Hornet appearance. The film is currently shooting in Los Angeles. [Variety]
Judge Stephanie gave Lindsay Lohan a full week to turn herself in for a jail sentence that will last as long as the dramatic pause the ATM machine makes in front of Michael Lohan before spitting out an “insufficient funds” note, and that’s because she has to once again pull out her medicine ball in a tube sock titties and freckled crab shack for Playboy’s photographer. LiLo already put her nipples on display for Playboy in a 4 day-long shoot that wrapped last week, but E! News is reporting that when Hef looked at the pictures, the groan that Linda Blair makes in The Exorcist after she barfs up pea smegma played in his head and he ordered a RE-DO! Then he ordered his day nurse to RE-MASH his prune porridge since his leased blond trick of the moment keeps complaining about bits getting into her chocha when she has to sit on his face while changing his colostomy bag (two birds, one stone, etc….).
A source says that Hef has brought in a new photographer and is changing the entire concept of LiLo’s shoot. The shoot is supposed to happen today and LiLo’s cooze has gotten the day off, because she’s not going to get fully naked this time.
Let’s try to do the math without a calculator! Hef’s foggy eyes
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Because Hugh Hefner can’t remember what flavor of breakfast pudding he had this morning let alone the fact that every pair of eyeballs on this planet have seen Lindsay Lohan’s freckled titty sacks so much that we could all draw them from memory on an Etch-A-Sketch, Playboy is writing her a check for almost $1 million to flash those saggy zombie tits in a cover spread called “The Last Nail In My Career’s Coffin Has Nipples!“
TMZ says that Playboy originally offered LiLo $750,000 and she spit on that number, because she thinks her crusty nooks and crannies are worth at least $1 million. So Playboy came back with an unknown number that just under $1 million, and since her lawyer’s firm doesn’t accept rim jobs as payment, she snatched up that deal. They started shooting the spread this past weekend and E! News is hearing it’s for the January 2012 issue (aka The Apocalypse of HoHan’s Career Issue). E! is also saying that the entire spread will include zero nipples and zero shots of her bare ashcrotch (that fire was put out a long time ago).
Hustler and the producers of soft-core porn movies didn’t even bother countering Playboy’s offer since they know that in about 6 months they can get HoHan for a half bottle of Thunderbird and a small pile of sea jasper pebbles.
You know who should
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Happy Thursday! Also in today’s edition of The Broadsheet: Drive influences another jackass… But is the original Drive jackass really a jackass?… Ben Stiller inherits a Russell Brand gig… blockbuster Hong Kong smut reaches another milestone… and more.
· Fox announced Wednesday that Die Hard 5 has officially been christened A Good Day to Die Hard and will open Feb. 14, 2013. Sounds less like a action-franchise release strategy than a romantic send-off for Hugh Hefner, but whatever. Don’t pretend that you didn’t give up on this years ago. [THR]
· More genius word-of-mouth for Drive: The clown who threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods last weekend claims he was inspired by Nicolas Winding Refn’s moody thriller to “do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.” Of course, there are no hot dogs in Drive; nothing is even thrown, as far as I can remember. But, uh, there you have it. [Santa Rosa Press-Democrat via THR]
· Speaking of idiots, what if the Detroit woman suing FilmDistrict for issuing a misleading trailer has an actual point? Not a case, necessarily, but still: “[I]sn’t there something to be said for calling out studios and marketing departments that pull this sort of stuff? Shouldn’t we be discussing a multi-billion dollar company deliberately trying to trick movie goers out of their money? Shouldn’t we ridicule and verbally chastise a studio that engages in this type of behavior? In my opinion, hell yes we should.” For the record, FilmDistrict is not even close to a billion-dollar company, but the point stands. And it’s a fair one, no?…
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