When President Obama strutted down the aisle at the State of the Union Address last night, I was wondering why his main back-up dancers, Beyonce and Oprah, weren’t sashaying behind him. But now I know why. The Empresses of the United States had something more important to do. They had to sashay down the red carpet at the premiere of Beyonce’s HBO Beyoncementary Life Is Butter Dreams in NYC.
I don’t know which one isn’t worthy enough to be in the presence of the other one? If the Queen of the World, Beyonce, is standing next to the other Queen of the World, Oprah, which one is the true reigning Queen of the World in that picture? If a diamond is shining bright like a star next to a star shining bright like a diamond, which one is shining brighter? If a 9 inch dick is lying next to another 9 inch dick in front of me, which one do I lick first? These are the questions I ask myself whenever I see Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand in the same picture. These are the questions that keep me up at night.
As Jay-Z, a face-snatched Tina Knowles and a pant-less Basement Baby (I think her wig ate
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Why must Kirstie Alley do this to herself? Why can’t she just put the crazy on mute and stop hollerin’ about how she’s a SIZE 4 and has a 22-INCH WAIST? We can all scream about how we have a 10-inch dick, indestructible nipples, a bottomless asshole and hands as soft as a cashmere fleshlight, but that doesn’t mean people are going to believe it. And trust me, they don’t. I write that into my Craigslist ad all the time and the e-mail that’s reserved for ho shit still hasn’t been christened by a response.
You know, Kirstie can kick, stretch and kick, and yet she’s still burning her tongue raw with blatant lies by trying to get us to believe that she’s as thin as her sense of measurement. Kirstie gets a Scientology clap (aka a dick slap on the ass while hiding in a sauna closet) from me for losing nearly 60 pounds since starting on Dancing with the Stars, but she says she isn’t done.
irstie’s goal is to fit into a dress with a 22-inch wait and she’s almost there. Kirstie said this to Life & Style, “My goal dress has a waist that’s 22 inches. I tried it on, and I can almost zip it up.” Kirstie is going to Italy in a few weeks and says that she’ll
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Giving riders a reason to wipe their seats down with a mixture of Hazmat-brand anti-bacterial gel and crushed Valtrex pills, Parasite Hilton proudly flashed her trompe l’oeil cleavage and mounted a bike like it was a 9-inch dick to pose for photographers in Madrid, Spain at the unveiling of her very own MotoGP Team called SuperMartxe VIP by Paris Hilton. Gross. Never mind that Wonky’s bike looks like it was modeled after a confederate flag as seen through the eyes of Barbie, who thought giving her a motorcycle team was a good idea?
What does this skank know about motorcycles? Shit, what does she know about racing IN GENERAL? Just because the odometer on her pussy has been reset a dozen times and a pit crew has to come in mid-fuck to grease and rotate her parts doesn’t mean she’s an expert at racing. Just…no.
It’s that time of year we all witness grown ass people’s internal organs explode into a million pieces inside of their bodies as they find out that the one thing they’ve been praying for every single night has finally come true: they are an audience member in Oprah’s FAVORITE FUCKING THINGS SHOW!!!! They’ve been training for this moment for years. They’ve been running 8 miles a day, taking vocal lessons every week and eating bowls of Special K to make sure they are still alive and ready to scream some more when Oprah tells them they are taking home shit like an all edge baking pan and a 3D TV. NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR DEATH!
When those crazies screamed into the heavens on today’s show, several L trains jumped off the tracks, a quick bolt hit all of Gayle King’s nerves and every dog in a 25-mile radius learned how to stick their paws in their ear holes real quick. I swear, it’s like somebody told these hos that they just won a 9-inch dick that stays hard and cums $100 bills whenever you stroke it.
They have finally found their religion! Ask this dude:
You know he’s STILL in Oprah’s studio doing the same prayer bow over and over again.
