Lindsay Lohan, seen here Photoshopped to Fuck U and back on Complex Magazine, is living in a fantasy dream world where she thinks that she’s going to skip into court tomorrow morning and Judge Marsha will tell her that Fudgie the Whale has agreed to serve her 90-day jail sentence for her. Fudgie will tell LiLo that he owes this to her for wronging her family. Then Judge Marsha is going to snap her fingers and LiLo’s Scram anklet will explode into a cloud of whiskey-coated Adderall pills! Yes, this is what’s going to happen.
A source tells TMZ that even though LiLo’s lawyer Robert Shapiro has told everyone that she will start serving her jail sentence tomorrow, she still doesn’t think that she’s going to spend a second behind bars. LiLo’s thought bubble of delusion is carrying the idea that Robert Shapiro will convince Judge Marsha to magically erase her sentence.
Meanwhile, instead of doing internet research on how to make fake tanner out of prison cheese and roach guts, LiLo is Twittering about her ex-father:
I don’t want my ex-father anywhere near me no matter where I am. He is crazy and scares me.
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitterI don’t want Michael Lohan Sr. anywhere near me, no matter where I am. I am in a great place and he only brings negativity in my world.
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter
IN A GREAT PLACE?! Did she Tweet that from the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle? I mean, this trick is going to jail and she thinks
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Wearing one of Katie Price’s old bed skirts and a torn fanny pack, the polished gem of the UK Amy Wino attended the premiere of her boyfriend’s new movie Psychosis in London last night. Yes, Wino and Psychosis. That is easier than me on any given night of the week, so I’ll just let it skip on by…
And Wino isn’t keeping her twigs together, because she’s trying to smuggle an economy-sized Jack Daniels bottle. No, Wino is trying to make sure her liver doesn’t jump out and head for the nearest airport again. Wino hates it when that happens. She should really LoJack that bitch or at least put a toddler leash on it.
Sometimes I hate Twitter (see Tila Tequila) and sometimes I love it as though it was a bong made out of a Jack Daniels bottle. This falls under the latter category. While John Legend was accepting the humanitarian award at the BETs last night, Twitter lit up about his jagged ass hairline.
#johnlegendshairline was described as looking like an Enter key, a jigsaw puzzle piece, Fabolous’ top teeth and a member of Jagged Edge. Some fools even suggested that Drake donate some of his bush brows to John Legend’s hairline. HA! Well, John Legend is the only one who isn’t laughing and he went off on Twitter over everyone pointing at the incomplete Tetris game over his forehead.
Btw, my hairline has been the same since I was a kid. Can’t believe some people are obsessing about it now. I’ve been famous for 6 yrs now
about 3 hours ago via UberTwitterAnd to the haters, I’m still smarter, more talented, more successful and better looking than u. So fall back.
about 3 hours ago via UberTwitterSorry y’all. Couldn’t believe my hairline was a trending topic. Get a life!
about 3 hours ago via UberTwitterAnd to the rest of y’all, I love you and thanks for the support. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming….
about 3 hours ago via UberTwitter
Fall back like your hairline, John?
No, John is right. Even though a chunk of his hairline migrated elsewhere, it’s still more talented and smarter than all of us hairline haters! In fact, John’s hairline should get next year’s humanitarian award for all the shit it’s been forced to go through! #leavejohnsfuckeduphairlinealone
(Thanks Ben)
