The announcement that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated after 25 years of marriage set off a thousand IThoughtTheyWereGoingToLastForevers, but apparently this has been a long time coming. Maria tried to evict The Schwarzenegger from her life two years ago, but then her mother passed away. Maria then tried again earlier this year, but her father. Everybody’s death kept screwing with her divorce plans! People are so selfish! But now, Maria has put all of her loved ones on the eternal life plan (Jack LaLanne juice, kitten videos and fleshlight aerobics) and is trying to make this divorce shit happen for real this time! On the other hand, Arnold isn’t ready to pry his dehydrated apricot claws off of Maria just yet. Arnold wants to make it work.
At an Israel Independence Day Celebration event in L.A. last night, Arnold declared his love for Maria and thanked those who have supported their decision. This speech would’ve been so much better if it was given by 3 titty prostitute from Total Recall.
“I just spoke to Maria an hour ago before I came here. We both were saying the same thing – we’re extremely blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people, by so many wonderful friends.
We both love each other very much. We’re very fortunate to have four extraordinary children. And we’re taking it one day at a time. The bottom
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But this isn’t supposed to happen. Jack LaLanne is supposed to outlive every single one of us. This is definitely a cold glass of freshly juiced sadness. Jack LaLanne, the fitness guru of all fitness gurus who still makes all of us feel like fat lazies, is juicing oranges with his bare hands for the angels up in heaven today. Jack died of respiratory failure due to pneumonia at his home in Morro Bay, CA this afternoon. Jack was 96.
Jack was not only an infomercial star who entertained me in the middle of the night with his juice talk while I devoured a bowl of nachos, but he also hosted his own workout show for a million years and opened a chain of gyms.
Jack’s wife of 51 years, Elaine LaLanne (that’s really the perfect name), released a short statement to The Associated Press about the loss of a legend:
“I have not only lost my husband and a great American icon, but the best friend and most loving partner anyone could ever hope for.
Rest in peace, Jack…. We’ll all put on our black spandex jumpsuits and juice something in your honor (Can you juice a Twinkie?).
