So, I used to have this boyfriend who liked to call me “kitten” (“Does anybody know where I can find a vampire to glamour that thought from the storage unit in my brain?” – you) as a joke and one time I was playing my voicemails on speakerphone in the break room of my job. Just as my boyfriend said “Hi kitten, it’s me,” my supervisor strolls in and says something like, “I know you’re not a 4-year-old white girl and I know that’s not your father. That voicemail is completely inappropriate and nobody other than you needs to hear that. Shit, I don’t even know if you need to hear it.” She had a point. That’s sort of how I feel about this video message one of Brit Brit’s owners, Jason Trawick, uploaded for the whole world to see.
It’s supposed to be sweet, but to me it looks like a cross between a death bed goodbye video and a hostage situation video. Either dude got into Brit Brit’s pill stash or he’s bleeding from the butt and slowly falling into a coma while recording this mess. Even his tongue sounds drugged up. I mean, that lisp….
via NYDN
Daddy Spears has long been the one who’s in charge of stirring the pot of Velveeta grits that Brit Brit calls life, and soon her fiancé Jason Trawick will also get his own plastic ladle. Daddy Spears filed papers yesterday asking the court to add Sam Mer-LESS as one of Brit Brit’s conservators. Jason will get legal control of his soon-to-be wife and Daddy Spears will remain the head bitch in charge of her money. Yeah, this doesn’t sound creepy at all.
People says that it was Daddy Spears’ idea to add Jason since he’s going to marry the Louisiana trailer park blossom sometime soon. A source says that Jason won’t get a map to the Fayva shoe box where Brit Bit keeps her fortune, but he will have control of her “well-being.” A legal source type gave his professional opinion about this mess to People:
“This is a very unusual situation, because generally you don’t see conservatees get married. This could be a sign that the couple’s wedding is around the corner.
This is probably a compromise between Britney, her father and Trawick to get the marriage off on the right foot. Obviously, her future husband needs to have a say in her well being.”
There’s something Boxing Helena-ish about this shit. Marriage is already a prison sentence for
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Jessica Simpson’s 52 week 3D ultrasound pics. - ijustcant
Runners-up:
Groupon. Kazakhstani Spa Day $2. - El Bastardo
Britney Spears’ father Jaimie can finally relax now that Jason Trawick is babysitting Our Lady of Cheetos. – AttentionWhore
Hannibal Lecter’s culinary career ended when he took the term “cook in their own juices” far to literally and lost many paying customers as a result. – SalmaNella
via Evil Milk
That scent of boiling processed cheese and scorched corn meal floating into Jason Trawick’s nostrils is the smell of revenge. If any of this is true, Chester Cheetah will leave permanent Cheeto dust marks around Jason’s neck for hurting his soulmate. Star Magazine is getting serious this week with their cover story about Brit Brit Spears’ alleged abusive relationship with her bought-and-paid boyfriend Jason Trainweck. Their proof is a picture of Brit with a black eye and an interview with her mess of a first husband Jason Alexander (George Costanza is not amused) who claims that she told him everything in a series of phone calls, texts and emails.
Jason Alexander tells Star that even though his marriage to Brit Brit lasted about as long as KFed’s illustrious rap career, they have casually kept in touch over the years. But Brit’s emails and texts made a sharp turn down Mother May I Sleep With Danger Road when she told him that Jason Trainwreck hit her in the face and beat her on several occasions. Jason Alexander tells it like this, “Britney is in an abusive relationship. She told me her life had turned into a nightmare. [Jason] hit her so hard it gave her a black eye” Jason Alexander
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Here’s Brit Brit’s rent-to-own boyfriend Jason Trawick taking his oiled up parts for a walk in Hawaii yesterday, and since we have him here we should answer the question you should always ask yourself whenever you see a legal piece with the kind of genitals you crave: WOULD YOU HIT IT?
You know, Jason is a strange one. Dude is like that one night trick you take home who takes off all his clothes for the first time and gives you a body you weren’t expecting. You check your receipts to make sure you brought home the right bitch and everything. When I first saw pictures of Jason with his nipples out, I was a little surprised because I didn’t expect him to be as ripped as Kirstie Alley’s chonies after a fart (sorry).
It’s like if Sam Trammell was about to start shooting a remake of The Machinist and we caught him halfway through his manorexic transformation. Or if you stopped Sam Merlotte right after he began shapeshifting into Benjamin Button. So yeah, I’d hit it.
You know Brit Brit gets all slobbery for his abs too. And not because they are all muscly and shit. No. If she pretends she’s at the food court, they look like a Cinnabon six-pack before getting frosted. I’m not going to make two sexual frosting jokes in a row (see post below), so you’ll have to do this one yourself.
Since the Department of Public Health ordered Brit Brit to cover up the crater of mangy weave hair on her head until a team of Hazmat professionals can properly tame it, she wore a hat while shopping for craft shit with her boyfriend Sam Merlotte Jason Trawick yesterday afternoon. And by “she wore a hat” I mean that Daddy Spears superglued that shit to her head.
It looks a Marshall’s swallowed every fashion magazine’s Don’t section from 2002 and then violently barfed up all over Brit Brit, but this is still an upgrade for her ass! I mean, she doesn’t totally look like she just blew all her Scratcher winnings at a Clothestime (RIP) sidewalk sale.
