If David O. Russell’s Abscam movie succeeds at one thing it’ll be turning Christian Bale, Bradley Cooper and Jeremy Renner into three gorgeous messes from the 70s. They’ve made Christian Bale look like a sleazy used car salesman who fucks with his loafers on and tastes like cologne and sweat. They’ve made B. Coop look like a porn producer who smells like perm stank and screams “Don’t touch curls!” at least once a day. And now, as Lainey puts it, they’ve made Jeremy Renner look like a third rate Joe Pesci impersonator. That wig really brings out the Grumpy Cat in his face.
Who ever is responsible for this mess should just accept their Oscars now. They should get an extra special award for making Elisabeth Rohm (I think that’s her) look like Cinderella’s evil stepmother gone disco.
A couple of months ago, we all found out that Jeremy Renner knocked up his ex-girlfriend Sonni Pacheco and instead of cutting her a check, putting her on a bus and sending her far, far away, he put her up in the mansion he lives in with his roommate. I know, it’s like the most bizarre episode of The New Normal ever. Well, Jeremy and Sonni are now Super Glued to each other for life, because a baby with his DNA and her DNA now exists. Jeremy’s rep tells People that Jeremy did make a baby with Sonni and that baby was born. People puts it like this:
He and girlfriend Sonni Pacheco confirm to PEOPLE that they are the proud parents of a 7 lb. baby girl, Ava Berlin Renner.
“They are beyond thrilled,” his spokesperson tells PEOPLE in a statement. “Mother and daughter are doing great.”
Reports of a baby-on-the-way for the Oscar nominee first hit the web in January following the Golden Globes.
Renner, 42, had not previously addressed the rumors.
I actually like the name Ava Berlin Renner and I always hiss at celebrity baby names. Ava Berlin sounds like the name of a super elegant drag queen who only sings songs from the musical Cabaret and only performs at lounges that use cloth napkins. Ava Berlin also sounds like the name of lounge singer turned mob wife (Michelle Pfeiffer will play her in the movie).
Anyway, congrats to Ava Berlin, because she gets to look up at Jeremy Renner’s eyeliner-lined bunny eyes and say, “Daddy.”
Jezebel pointed out that future father and current Hawkeye Jeremy Renner showed up to the Hollywood premiere of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (How is that a movie?) last night looking wet, wild and Bonne Belle beautiful. Before Jeremy was Jason Bourne, he was a make-up artist, so he knows the importance of brushing his lashes with clear mascara before he gets photographed. No, Jeremy isn’t happy to see you, that’s just a bronzer stick in his pants.
Before every event, Jeremy slides up in front of the Hollywood makeup mirror in the beauty salon in his mansion, puts a Vanity 6 cassette in his Boombox and plays this:
You know he’s said the line, “Smoke a cigarette, I’m not ready yet,” to his roommate at least once. You know, I should stop calling Jeremy Renner “Hawkeye.” That liner and mascara makes him look more like Bunnyeye. I just want him to wink at me while nibbling on some wet lettuce.
And why is Peter Stomare praying in front of Gemma Arterton? Peter Stormare should be praying at the altar of the real Church of Maybelline Glamour: Jeremy Renner’s face.
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is not a good film — it’s inconsistently acted, and somehow both underwritten and overplotted — but it has some good things going for it. For one, it’s not outrageously dumber than its revisionist fairy-tale predecessors Van Helsing, Red Riding Hood or TV’s Once Upon a Time, and it’s far more goofily violent. It also boasts a nice title credit sequence and a brisk running time. But most importantly, the long-shelved pic is set to bow with little serious B.O. competition, ensuring suitable time for crumb gathering before it’s consigned to obscurity.
To his credit, Hansel & Gretel writer-director Tommy Wirkola never takes the pic’s premise — the titular Grimm siblings grow into wisecracking, primitive-machine-gun-packing bounty hunters, thanks to that fateful spell in the gingerbread house — too seriously. Yet while the film rarely provokes any strenuous eye-rolling, it also can’t drum up even the slightest interest in the fate of its characters, let alone suspense.
Cursing with anachronistic brio and decked out in Steampunkish frock coats and leather pants, Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton star as the sibling slayers, who have parlayed their childhood fame into a thriving witch-hunting business. Called upon to investigate disappearing children in a woodland village, the two run afoul of the local sheriff (Peter Stormare) when they interrupt a witch hunt in progress.
The woman in question (Pihla Viitala) turns out to be a “white witch” with a thing for Hansel (her pretense for skinny-dipping makes Prince’s Lake Minnetonka line seem like the height of subtle seduction), while Gretel is stalked by a sort of medieval fanboy (Thomas Mann) who tirelessly follows her exploits in newspapers. Meanwhile, a particularly…
Full Story »When Paramount moved their big-budget genre actioner Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters from March 2012 to January 11, 2013 — ostensibly to wait it out while star Jeremy Renner became a huge box office draw — many were appropriately skeptical. Now that the first trailer has arrived, see for yourself how director Tommy Wirkola (Dead Snow) updates the folktale with Renner and Gemma Arterton as the now-grown siblings/witch bounty hunters. Was the release date shuffle a case of brilliant thinking or a classic dumping ground offload?
Watch it on YouTube.
Gotta be real here: I love me some Renner. And Arterton holds her own as a quippy, capable lady hunter herself (well, except for the getting kidnapped and punched by evil witches part). But does it seem a little too Van Helsing? Have audiences forgotten The Brothers Grimm? Is it just me, or would you rather see Renner and Arterton as love interests than siblings?
Also, they speak with American accents but she pronounces it “Hahhn-sel.” Sigh.
Verdict: Looks too generic to get excited about, but the power of Renner compels me.
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The Expendables 2 bumped last week’s number one film The Bourne Legacy to number two over the weekend. The latest installment of the action pic grossed over $28.7 million in its first roll out, averaging a solid $8,670 screens. Bourne dropped 55% in its second round, while Focus Features’ Paranorman rounded out the top three in its initial run.
1. The Expendables 2
Gross: $28,750,000
Screens: $3,316 (PSA: $8,670)
Week: 1
The first round of The Expendables opened with $34,825,135 when it debuted in theaters in August 2010, averaging $10,650 in 3,270 theaters. The second round is decidedly less heavy-hitting in terms of box office, but nevertheless a solid start for the action title starring Sylvester Stallone, who gave the director’s chair over to Simon West for the latest installment.
2. The Bourne Legacy
Gross: $17,019,855 (Cume: $69,580,935)
Screens: 3,753 (PSA: $4,535)
Week: 2 (Change – 55%)
The Jeremy Renner starter added just eight theaters in the U.S. and its drop from its first weekend roll out was a fairly acceptable 55%, though the pic landed in the second spot in the overall box office. The Bourne Legacy debuted in 3,745 theaters, averaging $10,752. Internationally, Legacy added five international territories, bringing the title to 18 abroad. it’s worldwide gross is now at $97.7 million.
3. Paranorman (3-D, Animation)
Gross: $14,008,498
Screens: 3,429 (PSA: $4,085)
Week: 1
The stop-action animated feature landed in the third place in the overall box office with just over $14 million with a so-so $4,085 average in 3,429 screens. The pic was produced by Coraline creators Laika and their latest effort performed similarly, grossing $16.8 million in a third place bow in February, 2009.
4. The Campaign
Gross: $13,385,000 (Cume: $51,694,000)
Screens: 3,255 (PSA:…
If a mash-up of Carolina Herrera and Gary Oldman as Dracula went to the HERP DERP Salon and told his stylist, “Gurl, give me the Walter Mercado,” this is the beautiful image that would make every mirror in the place steam up. One thing Hollywood has taught us is that the more jacked up Javier Bardem’s hair is in a movie, the eviler his character is. So this is one is definitely skipping hand-in-hand with Lucifer and Pimp Mama Kris on a trailer of charred innocent souls. Bitch is that evil.
Below is the new trailer for The Queen’s homeboy’s new movie Skyfall and besides the regulars, it also stars Javie, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Wishshaw as Q, Albert Finney, Naomie Harris and Bérénice Marlohe. Open your eyes as wide as possible to take in all of Javier’s peroxide glamour:
Daniel and Javier’s scene! Javier is serving up some blond queen cuntiness. When Javier coos at Bond, “Just look at you, chasing spies,” I expected Bond to snap back with, “Just look at YOU, bitch, chasing Swedish guinea pigs to make wigs out of.” Congratulations to Sam Mendes for giving us the most glamorous evil Bond queen of ALL-TIME!
Here’s Daniel, Rachel Weisz and Jeremy Renner at last night’s NYC premiere of that Bourne Identity reboot. I am not interested in that Bourne shit if it doesn’t have a straw-haired Javier Bardem in it.
