Right after her second baby came out of her body, Jessica Alba wanted her stomach to be as flat as her acting skills again, so she wrapped two girdles around her body and suffocated her stomach night and day for three months straight. MiserAlba was extra MiserAlba. Yes, her internal organs are shaped like crepes now and she had to scrape the girdle butter off her torso every night, but at least she’s got a flat stomach again! MiserAlba told Net-a-Porter:
“It was brutal; it’s not for everyone. I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.”
A double corset night and day? Does that mean ho even wore that rib crusher when she was doing fuck times with her man? Trying to get off while your organs are getting crushed and you’re trying to breathe does not sound like a good time. Just thinking about that crap makes me want to rub my gut while eating a Popeye’s drumstick dipped in mashed potatoes and gravy. Bitch is crazy. But really, we all know that the only thing she had wrapped around her stomach were bandages after getting a tummy tuck lipo special.
Here’s Jessica in the Caribbean a few weeks ago.
I see what you did there, MiserAlba. The old “I’ll just bend over and pretend like I’m fixing my pants so it looks like the hot topless piece behind me is tapping it from the back and if he accidentally runs into my nalgas, even better!” trick. Bitch, please. I’ve overused that trick so many times and it’s the main reason why I’ve been banned from every running track in NYC.
(Read this entire post in Robert Stack’s voice if you need some added dramatic intrigue in your life this morning.) Tyra Banks owes everybody who sat through endless hours of America’s Next Top Model Not-At-All-Stars a refund for explaining absolutely nothing in that slow-motion car crash of a finale. It was down to Angelea, the 716 beauty who was my personal favorite (because she works in a bank which makes her professional), Allison, the albino meerkat and Lisa who was probably the inspiration for the character of Kit De Luca in Pretty Woman.
The episode went through the usual motions. They had a CoverGirl photo shoot where Allison looked like Jessica Alba seeing for the first time (yes, I sat through The Eye and I’m not proud of it). Then they had the final runway show in Greece which had the production values of the Miss Eternia beauty pageant I held on my garage floor when I was a kid (Catra won every time). At this point, they were supposed to cut to the judging panel in Greece and show us who won that shit. That didn’t happen. Instead, we were back in L.A. and Nigel explained that Angelea was disqualified, so they had to choose a winner between Lisa and Allison. Lisa (the 45-year-old Mob Wives reject on the left)
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Full Story »What’s there to say about the new trailer for Spy Kids: All the Time in the World other than that the fourth installment in the franchise features Ricky Gervais as a talking dog? Oh, right: the film is apparently in 4D — whatever that means. Click ahead for a first look at Spy Kids: All the Time in the World, which will likely make you mad, but make your inner 10-year-old cackle with delight.
That is Jeremy Piven as the bad guy. Also, Joel McHale, Jessica Alba and the aforementioned Gervais providing support to newcomers Rowan Blanchard and Mason Cook. All the Time in the World hits theaters on Aug. 19.
[via Coming Soon]
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