Casper Smart Was Just Getting A Fade, Okay?

Yesterday, John Travolta's ass lips clapped in glee at the possibility of having a new massage time partner when InTouch Weekly said that JLo's piece Casper Smart is into getting erotic massages and Star Magazine said that he's into putting his mouth over gay glory holes. But a quick second after Star and InTouch's stories came out, JLo threatened to sue both of the tabloids for spreading defamatory lies that could damage hers and Casper's reputations. I would cackle at that last part, but Skeletor is already letting out enough cackles for all of us. JLo's reputation is already floating at the top of a toilet, so a few more drops of shit on it won't hurt.

But wait! Four barbers who work at the Diamond Cuts barber shop in the building next to the peep show say that Casper has an alibi. They told Splash and Rumor Fix that Casper wasn't getting a shiatsu massage on his toot hole and he wasn't tap dancing for dick in a gay glory hole. They say Casper was getting a "skin fade" at their shop. Casper only went next door to the peep show, because he needed to use their ATM since he was all out of cash and used the allowance JLo gave him that morning to buy CZ studs at Claire's.

So there you go. Casper might love some peen on his tongue, but he wasn't getting any peen on his tongue at the glory hole that day. Casper's nipples might get hard when a massage therapist lays into his ass cheeks, but that's not what he was doing that day. He was just getting a fade! You know where he really should've been? Bitch should've been at Elegant Eyebrows, because his eyebrow situation is uneven as shit and could use a touch of elegance.

Mimi Will Be the Highest Paid Reality Show Judge, Dahling!

Somebody hand me a lamb so I can ask it to double slap me in the face for having the audacity to write yesterday that Mimi accepted a paltry, poor person's wage of $12 million to be a judge on American Idol for one season. JLo made only $12 million for her first season of Idol, Brit Brit is making around $16 million for her first season of X-Factor and Xtina is making $10 million for her third season of The Voice, so how dare I even think that the Rainbow Unicornie Princess of Pink Diamond Luxury would ever agree to make the same or less than those cheap Dollar General whores.

People says that Mimi's deal is worth $18 million for her first season and she has the option to renew if she wants to. This deal makes her the most overpaid judge on a reality show ahead of Brit Brit and Howard Stern (who gets $15 million for America's Got Talent). Simon Cowell doesn't count since he also gets paid for being an executive producer and each one of his furry tit pies gets 7 figures each for just being.

Thank the Sanrio gods for this news. All is well again. Mimi's FOX check is bigger than JLo's FOX check. And now I know that if you put $12 million in front of Mimi, she wouldn't even let her Hello Kitty sneeze on one of those bills. I'll never make that mistake again!

Here's the discount trick Mimi replaced having a pre-birthday dinner last night at Cipriani in NYC with some people and Casper the Friendly Gold Digger. I'm assuming Mimi was kind of enough to tell the restaurant to charge JLo's meal to her account since JLo ONLY made $12 million for her first season of Idol. I mean, JLo can barely afford a sheet cake from Costco and a 1/2 chicken dinner special from Juan Pollo.

Casper Smart Is A Straight-For-Fame Gay, So Says A Fellow Dancer

I'll wait here as you wipe away the glittery hummingbird juice that secreted out of your nipple slits after you laid eyes on that picture on the left. All wiped up? Okay, so I've never gotten a vibe from Casper Smart that he loves to gargle on peen morning, noon and night. Never. But now everything has changed thanks to this picture which is as gay as a unicorn getting DPed by a rainbow and a pink toy poodle named Mon Cherie. Radar points us to the Twitter page of Joshua Lee Ayers, a dancer who has worked with Casper in the past and claims that JLo's bought-and-paid-for piece sucks L.A. dick on the down low. To back up his claim, Joshua tweeted this picture of Casper making a "your peen goes here" pose while working a kaleidoscope in his shorts. That's the only receipt I need! via Radar:

"Check out Ur boy… And his low key homo ways," Joshua wrote on a photo of Casper that he posted on his Twitter account in March.

In the photo, Casper is shirtless, wearing shiny gold short shorts obviously stuffed with something, a sparkly bejeweled belt, a scarf and a deer hunter hat while surrounded by other shirtless men in their underwear.

On May 24, Joshua posted another photo of Casper showing off his cheekbones with the caption: "I know what I know, Not love, a lot of business and public relations."

JLo's rep denies that Casper is gay and says that it must be a slow news week. I resemble that comment!

But seriously, that pic doesn't prove anything. How many straight dudes have gotten drunk on malt liquor and ended up giving sugar to the camera while wearing a rhinestone belt? Entire frats wouldn't exist if shit like that didn't go down on the regular. Casper could scream for peen, poon or both. It doesn't matter. There's only two things that matter: 1) Casper is representing hard for the gold digger community and; 2) That duck-faced bitch looks hotter in a pair of gold shorty shorts than JLo does. Werk it, guurrrrrl.

JLo Can't Be Bothered With American Idol Anymore

Before JLo got the American Idol job, she was headed straight for Dancing with the Has-Beens, a county fair tour with Martika (JLo wishes!) and she'd eventually end up performing as a Selena impersonator at office holiday parties. American Idol put that bitch and her heffalump ass back on top and now that she's there she doesn't have to pretend to care about a bunch of brats whose farts sound better than her natural singing voice.

A source tells UsWeekly that JLo doesn't even have time in her busy schedule for American Idol anymore. JLo is going to tour the country with Enrique Iglesias, is working on a new album, has a couple of movies in the works and has to train Casper Smart to not shit in the tub while they're having romantic bubble bath times. The source explained, "There is too much going on for her right now. She regrets she can't stay on the show. It's been an incredible experience and she is forever grateful that she did it."

Can I get a "bitch, please" because it's so obvious what JLo is trying to pull here. If there's one thing JLo loves more than Casper Smart slathering her ass with Baby Oil while telling her that she's got the most magnificent ass in the game, it's money, bitch. American Idol paid JLo $20 million last season to be completely useless and she's obviously trying to get a raise. I can't fault JLo for being a greedy, money-eating whore who puts diamond water in her enema tube. I'd do the same thing. But don't try JLo's move with your boss. If you tried to get a raise by telling your boss that you just don't have time for your job anymore, the only thing you'd get is an empty cardboard box to put all your cubicle decorations in.

In Case You Missed It, JLo And Her Paid Piece On American Idol Last Night

On last night's American Idol, JLo moved the hell out of her lips while twerking her shit with a chorus of John Travolta's wet dreams. JLo wouldn't be JLo if she didn't shove her piece into our eyes, and so Casper Smart got a starring spot. Casper twirled out, grabbed on JLo's ottoman pouf ass and the two practically swallowed each other's breaths. It looked like an interpretive dance of a seal eating a duck (you decide which is which). I think I speak for the Dragon Tales Twins when I say: "GROSS, MOM! STOP!"

I sort of like that JLo is humping on one of her dancers, because it probably creates serious backstage drama. Showgirls isn't just a movie. It's LIFE! I bet Casper gets his own dressing room, a later call time and doesn't have to eat brown rice and vegetables with the other dancers. Bitch gets it special. I wonder which one of the dancers grabbed Casper backstage and shouted at his ass, "You fuck her for the spot? Or you fuck her cause you wanted to?"

via The Daily Mail

Casper Smart Is A Master Poetweeter

Last month, Casper Smart jail broke the Speak & Spell in his nursery to Tweet fight with all of his haters and he's done it again, but this time we saw a wiser, gentler and a more profound side of Casper the Friendly Boy Toy. JLo's baby is growing up.

Casper must be sick of restaurant hosts pulling up a high chair for him when he takes his abuela (the restaurant host's words, not mine) out to dinner, because he covered his Twitter page with a poem called "Love Sees No Age (Because The Blinking Dollar Signs Are In The Way)" Casper's poetweet was as meaningful as a JLo ballad and as suspenseful as watching Skeletor hold a fan's baby (Will he kiss it or will he suck all the blood out of its neck?). Casper's poem is so suspenseful that Rod Serling is going to resurrect himself from the grave to turn these Tweets into a very special Tweetlight Zone episode. Seriously, put a thimble on each of your fingers, because you will have the urge to bite down to your cuticles.

Age, status, n opinions of others are irrelevant. Our hearts are endless and our souls infinite........... To be continued

Don't you have that same feeling you felt after Lost's season 2 cliffhanger?! The anticipation is eating those thimbles off of your fingers! Breathe, because Casper didn't wait an entire season to tell you what comes next.

Our ages are mere reminders of the hours logged on this earth and the precious time remaining......... To be continued

You're right, Casper! We only have a few precious hours on earth, so please tell everyone the next part of they'll be buried with this look on their faces because they went to the grave not knowing what happens in part 3!

We should all honor our time here by indulging our passion and dreams. So, close your ears and open your hearts; Love and be happy!

Aaaand exhale. Can you believe you got through that without your heart jumping out of your mouth to hit the scroll button to find out what happens next?! That Casper is as masterful at bullshitting as he is as writing suspenseful poetry. This what happens when Pampers puts famous lines of poetry on their sticky tabs and JLo starts showing Scooby Doo episodes in Casper's playroom.

I know you probably chewed through those thimbles and pulled your nails out, so I made you an appointment for a nail transplant. Your appointment is scheduled for........... To be continued.

Jenny From The Sound Stage

For those of you who still believe that JLo hasn't hacked off her Bronx roots with a diamond-encrusted platinum machete, I hate to burst your bubble with a sharp pin dipped in obvious.

In case you haven't noticed, Fiat has paid JLo millions upon millions of dollars to represent them in a series of commercials and ads. In one of their commercials, JLo drives through the streets of her native Bronx as though she's driving straight into the beating heart of her soul. JLo's gaze hugs the neighborhood around her as she tells us how the Bronx inspires her and is her playground, and shit like that. Well, the neighborhood that is so dear to her was never graced by her presence during the filming of this fake ass commercial. Bitch filmed her part in L.A. I'm sure stage hands holding gigantic checks from Fiat stood off camera, so JLo could stare at them and the camera could capture the authentic look of true love in her eyes.

The Smoking Gun reported yesterday that JLo never stepped foot in the Bronx during the filming of the commercial. A body double drove the Fiat through the Bronx and the face shots of JLo were filmed in L.A. The commercial was edited to make you believe she's actually in the place she's going on and on about. The ad company who produced this mess calls the commercial "My World" and said in a press release that it “explores her personal take on how life in the New York City borough continues to inspire her to be tougher, to stay sharper and to think faster. We watch as she leaves Manhattan and makes her way back to the Bronx, where she grew up and continues to be inspired by.”

Fiat admitted that Jenny never drove through the Block

"Both FIAT commercials featuring Jennifer Lopez were indeed filmed in the Bronx as well as outside locations. In today's world, people are increasingly mobile and their work takes them to a variety of locations. As a result, we took the opportunity to film wherever Ms. Lopez was working at the time to accommodate her schedule."

When hos get rich, I don't think they owe anything to the place they came from. JLo doesn't have to drive into the Bronx in her Gucci Fiat and let the poors rub her ass for luck right before her asshole shoots gold coins at them. JLo doesn't owe the Bronx that. But it's ridiculous how she keeps using and using them to make us believe that she's still a neighborhood girl. Like we're really supposed to believe that this bitch would step her Louboutin-covered foot in the Bronx. JLo can't even drive through Beverly Hills adjacent without a convoy of bodyguards and a crystal bottle full of diamond dust to sniff just in case the air of the middle class blows into her window.

What I'm getting at is that the Bronx needs to sue this fraudulent ho for copyright infringement!

Demi Lovato's "JLo At The 2000 Grammys" Moment

Months of rehab, whooping a trick in an airport, snorting the bad shit off of Mickey Mouse's inner thigh and allegedly sexing on a piece in front of everyone at a party was not enough to fully scrape away the Disney from Demi Lovato's image, so she decided to scratch off another layer by baring her butt chin cleavage and 19-year-old chest balls at the Latin Grammys in Las Vegas last night. I've always said that nothing says "GROWN" like titty tape and chichi contouring, but couldn't Demi have chosen a better dress for her titties' coming out party?

Dwight from RHOA could let out a hundred How Dreadfuls over this and he'd still need to let out a hundred more before he begins to accurately describe this mess. Somewhere, a 50-year-old novella villainess is missing a boudoir gown to change into right before she seduces her arch rival's husband. There's a reason why the Blanche Devereaux intimates section at Bealls has a "50+ only" sign at its entrance. It takes a certain seasoned slutty abuelita to pull off a dress like this. Stick to the juniors section, Demi.

And I'm guessing every brush in her hotel room went on strike last night, so I won't throw her cold shade for those pre-brushed, straight-out-of-the-rollers quince curls.

Of course, Wilmer Valderrama, the Jack Gordon to Demi's La Toya, was there last night. Just looking at pictures of Wilmer makes me sniff at my coffee cup to make sure I haven't been roofied without permission. Wilmer's gross ass probably made Demi wear that dress since he looks like the type who's into the "slutty senior at a 70s swingers party" look.

JLo, Kindly Take Five Steps To Your Left

The noun "glamour" and the name "JLo" go together like Skeletor and solid foods, but Glamour Magazine still defied logic by naming her as one of their Women of the Year in some ceremony at Carnegie Hall in NYC last night. They gave her an ugly trophy that looks like a Target logo orgy and asked her to pose with the Claymation goddess who designed the dress she wore last night. WRONG MOVE.

On her own, JLo mugs the camera like the lens is an extra hung Q-tip and she's a Botoxed Siamese cat in heat. But when you put JLo next to the exquisitely crafted Donatella Versace, her face falls into a state of natural demureness. Bitch looks so "made from the earth" next to Donatella. And we all know that natural is out for 2011! So JLo needs to follow the exit signs and let the glorious Candy Kong Muppet take in all the camera clicks.

JLo also needs to hand Donatella that trophy, because glamour IS a woman who is put together with Silly Putty and whose jowls tells us that she mines for diamonds with her mouth on the weekends. Fall back, JLo! Actually, JLo probably did fall back when she let go of Donatella and down came that bobble head toward her.