JLo’s days are already packed with crying out choreographed glycerin tears on American Idol, cultivating herself as the greatest beard to ever wrap around Bradley Cooper’s chin, hawking cars that cost less than her polar bear fur tampons, and now she’s adding something else to her schedule: RUINING CARMEN SANDIEGO! That sentence was the knife that just went into your childhood’s stomach. If those assholes greenlight a movie version of the Legend of Zelda starring Justin Bieber, just end my childhood for good by beating it in the head with a gold Nintendo cartridge (I thought that was some fancy shit when I was kid).
Back in the 90s, Sandra Bullock was supposed to throw on a red trench as Carmen and that would’ve been a special kind of awful too. But now it’s in JLo’s shit-turning fingers! The good news is that JLo hasn’t signed on to star yet, but the bad news is that she’s going to produce it. Here’s hoping that JLo does the right thing by casting Beyonce since that bitch really knows how to steal.
Here’s the details on that mess from Deadline:
The hope is to turn the property into National Treasure meets The Thomas Crown Affair. The logline: When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow
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Lock your windows, bring in your trash cans, turn the porch light off and tell the children not to open their eyes until morning, because now that JLo has been released from the cage in Skeletor’s dungeon she’s going wild, yowling at the moon, spraying her scent at the walls (smells like Glow) and sticking her culito hole in the faces of strangers hoping that someone takes pity upon her and gives her a scratch!
At the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Las Vegas on Saturday night, JLo strangled a Muppet with her ass cheeks and then wore it as a trophy before she went full horny in front of the audience and humped on anything that didn’t run from her. An official from the zoo arrived on the scene and tried to catch her with a net, but JLo can not and will not be tamed! JLo ran like a banshee with a hot asshole into Pure nightclub and continued to try so hard to be sexy that she pushed out a kidney stone with the word “STOP” etched into it. Don’t listen to that kidney stone, JHo! You keep working it like only an old whore can!
And here’s some EXCLUSIVO backstage and frontstage footage of JLo going wild on Saturday night:
The day that we hear that JLo is a pleasure to work with and makes all of her co-workers bust out a smile as they nominate her for EMPLOYEE OF THE CENTURY is a day that will never ever come. The chance of that happening is right up there with the world’s fattest fatty fat fat bitch NOT accidentally suffocating her dog with her double down fupa cleavage of death.
Everyone knows that all spell checks should be updated to automatically correct the word “BITCH” to “JLO.” We all know this. JLo can’t sing and can’t act, but one thing she can do is bring the bitchery in heavy doses. The cast and crew of her new shit show What To Expect When You’re Expecting (aka Valentine’s Day meets a pile of labor poop) are witnessing this for themselves every day says Gatecrasher:
Jennifer Lopez is keeping to herself these days – at least on movie sets. A source on the location yesterday of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” which stars the recently separated Lopez along with a slew of other A-listers, tells us the 42-year-old “wouldn’t talk to anyone directly” on the Piedmont Park set in Atlanta, and would converse with people only “through her handler.”
JLo knows that she has a reputation as a diva-plated asshole to uphold, so of
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Skeletor didn’t lose all of his water weight by shedding out a single tear on the bones of sacrificed virgins when JLo announced that their marriage is as dead as the Dragon Tales Twins’ ear drums when she lullabies them to sleep without the help of an auto-tune horn. Skeletor didn’t seem sad at all when he performed at a concert in Bogota, Colombia last night. Skeletor let be known to ladies everywhere that if they’ve ever had an urge to sit their chocha on a Chinese Crested’s always erect tongue but don’t want to be charged with bestiality, he’s available. Skeletor said this to the audience:
“They say I am a single man.”
The Daily Mail says that everybody started cheering and clapping their hands, but only because they heard that’s how you distract a zombie who is trying to sniff out the pure blood of an innocent in a crowd.
In other Skeletor and JLo news, Cuban actor, all-around hot piece and known man whore William Levy is denying that he’s ever put his cock on Jenny from the block. There were rumors that after William was in one of JLo’s videos, they had a down low thing. But he says it isn’t so. And JLo’s stylist Phillip Bloch says that he thinks the
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After Prince William and Duchess Kate blinded a bunch of celebrities with their bright white Stonehenge teefs at that BAFTA event in L.A. last weekend, I wondered why there were only pictures of them shaking hands with JLo, Nicole Kidman, Barbra Streisand and Tom Hanks. There were no pictures of Prince Willy bowing down to the Hollywood beacon of A-list celebrity we call Blake Lively, or any portraits of Kate knighting Chris Evans for his contribution to cinema in Cellular. None of that shit. And Mary-Louise Parker tells us why.
People asked Nancy Botwin if she got to gaze at herself in the skin mirror on Prince William’s head or shake the hand that has twisted Prince Hot Ginge’s nipple in the rugby locker room, and she gave this priceless answer:
“I didn’t meet them. I was shoved out of the way by Jennifer Lopez. Uh oh, I shouldn’t have said that.”
No, Mary-Louise, you should’ve said that AND more. I can just picture that nasty puta JLo blowing out verbal farts about how her assistants call her the American Princess Di while her three-headed rabid dog ass barked, snapped and hissed at any ho who tried to keep her from boning the spotlight. JLo’s guard dog butt was slobbering all over the place, so Mary-Louise decided it was safer just to park Nicole Kidman facing Prince William, crotch down and then have a pretend conversation with his reflection in Nicole’s forehead. But seriously, Mary-Louise should’ve pulled out a flute and lulled JLo’s Cerberus ass to sleep with music.
In continuing this morning’s theme of ex-husband’s exposing your shit, Radar says that the horse fly named Ojani Noa, who won’t stop trying to bite at JLo’s dingles no matter how many times she swats him away, is baaaaack for more fun! A judge has already granted a restraining order barring Ojani from releasing intimate tapes of JLo but he’s trying again. Ojani has found yet another vintage tape of JLo and wants to use it in the mockumentary about his life (aka the mockumentary nobody cares about except him). But JLo’s team of lawyers have already filed papers to stop the tape from touching the public’s eyes.
A rep for Ojani says that this tape was taken while the two were on vacation in Cuba. The tape not only shows JLo’s double stuffed ass on a scooter, but you also get a clear shot of her cooter. That rhymes! It should be her next song. Anyway, Ojani’s rep said this: “JLo is riding a scooter in public in Cuba, while talking to the camera and numerous by-standers, with her privates in as plain view as Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan have in the past. This is among other nudity on her part in the now 21 hours of home movies, that we have so far recovered.
In Noa’s Home Videos, Lopez displays deviant behavior by consensually exposing her
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Ohhh, Singer 1 is spitting mad at Singer 2! Although she has been playing it fairly cool in the press, Singer 1 has been completely obsessed with securing a certain gig that is likely going to Singer 2, and may be letting her emotions get the best of her. Singer 1 argues that of the two, she is the one with better record sales, is a better performer, and is much more popular than Singer 2. Even more galling is the fact that Singer 2 didn’t even want the job until Singer 1 expressed interest. Singer 1 also recently told a small group of people that she is the only “real singer” of the two and referred to Singer 2 as a cut-rate “no-talent wannabe.” (Blind Gossip)
Mimi for singer 1, JLo for singer 2 and American Idol for the job? But I’m not sure about this guess since JLo’s name has never EVER frolicked into the rainbow fairy enchanted forest that lives inside Mimi’s head.
This new cable show on a grammatically exciting network features people who are supposed to be employees. Turns out at least two of them are not, and one of those who is not, actually makes her living as a hooker. (CDAN)
The network is E!? The show is The Spin Crowd? As for the hooker employee? All of them! Every one of those bitches look like they were annoyed that they had to move their whore game from “Adult Services” to “Casual Encounters” on Craigslist.
We don’t want to ruin the magic for you, but this D list star claims to
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Are you a sadomasochist who gets off on getting cursed the hell out for 12 hours straight a day? Does the thought of changing the diapers of someone else’s baby while they yell at you to use more custom made Dior talc just make you want to jump out of bed in the morning? Do you really really hate yourself in a seriously hateful way? Well, if the answer “yes” to all those questions then I’ve got the perfect dream job for you!
Life & Style reports that JLo is looking for a new assistant to torture since her last one finally snapped and is now banging their head against the wall in a padded room in a mental hospital somewhere.
According to Life & Style’s sources, this is what will be required of you as JLo’s main slave:
- “The person has to be graceful under pressure, have a thick skin, and be resourceful in foreign countries, among others things.”
- “You’ll be expected to travel at a moment’s notice and must know how to adjust in each city.”
- “The job is 6 days a week, at least 12 hour days with one day off, but you may not get off for weeks. You’ll be on call 24/7 and you’ve got to be organized and always on point.”
- “You have to change diapers, work on little sleep and cook if the butler is away.”
- “You have to know when J. Lo has her snack time. She won’t say she’s hungry, you’re just expected to have food waiting.”
Other duties the source failed to mention include:
- Comforting the virgins Skeletor just sucked the
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Fox and the producers of American Idol are putting the phone to their assholes and farting every time JLo’s people call, because they are done negotiating with her for a judge’s spot on American Idol.
A couple of weeks ago, the rumor went around that JLo and Steven Tyler would join Randy Jackson at the judge’s table. But now People is saying that Fox has dropped JLo on her double stuffed ass.
A source says that Fox has started talking to other people, because JLo’s “demands got out of hand. Fox had just had enough.”
Fox needs to do their research, because they should have known that JLo’s full-time job is to constantly promote the phrase ““sense of self-entitlement.” Of course JLo is going to ask for ridiculous shit like twice as many hair products as Ryan Gaycrest, a fresh human brain for Skeletor to nibble on while she’s on set and a completely white dressing room. Seriously, everything in that dressing room must be white! Even the wicks on her $500 imported candles! When the wick goes black, an assistant must run up and paint it with Wite-Out!
JLo really needs to get over herself, because she has yet to do anything to earn the title of DIVA CUNT BITCH. When JLo quits a job by grabbing two beers and sliding down the evacuation slide, then she can demand anything she wants.
