The right queen won RuPaul’s Drag Race last night, but Detox should get a special prize for singing out Jocelyn Wildenstein’s theme song – Queerty
Jessica Biel looks in the mirror and sees a nose ring while I see a strand of chrome mocos – Lainey Gossip
And I’m sure Miranda Kerr told people, “Well, my top sort of looks like sequined black tape and that’s punk rock, right?“ Hollywood Tuna
That pole has more charisma and sex appeal than Backdoor Farrah does – Drunken Stepfather
Baby Darren Aronofsky is not impressed with whatever he’s not impressed with – Celebitchy
If you turn your head to the side, Jessica Simpson’s knocked up belly button sort of looks like an eye. I think I just saw it blink. – The Superficial
Nightmares is what I will have tonight after looking at the picture of a blurry Mary-Kate Olsen drifting in front of the lens – Popsugar
Let me guess, this is the scene in the movie where Cameron Diaz is really hungover and Leslie Mann wants her to walk that big dog and she doesn’t want to do it and she complains about being hungover and then that ghost lurking in the background eats her. The end! – Popoholic
From the department of Why So Edgy?: Carey Mulligan in Flaunt – ICYDK
It’s official, us humans have run out of
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Weekend detention to those of you who just said that Lindsay Lohan is looking hot. That homely hag Lindsay Lohan wishes her wax skin was so tight that it’s crushing whatever bones she has left in her face. And Lindsay Lohan prays every night that she’ll wake up looking like an albino Asian ThunderCat on the prowl.
I’m going to stop now and let these gorgeous pictures of the stunning Jocelyn Wildenstein and her equally as stunning piece Lloyd Klein speak for themselves. And by “speak,” I really mean scream until you’re hiding under the table.
An Oklahoma Highway Patrol trooper telling the local news that “it was determined that there was an active meth lab in his pants” is the reason why the American flag is flying extra high today.
When Highway Patrol trooper Shiloh Hall pulled over an SUV for speeding, he asked the same question tanning salon employees ask after Jocelyn Wildenstein comes in to bake her skin: “What is that chemical smell?” When Trooper Shiloh realized that something in the SUV was meth, its passenger, David Williams, quit that bitch and ran away. Trooper Shiloh chased after David, caught the ho and quickly realized he had a meth lab stashed in his pants. File this under: WWWWD (What Would Walt White Do?).
Sometime during David’s struggle with Trooper Shiloh, the meth lab franchise on his crotch exploded. Besides the fact that David’s got meth mouth of the dick and has become the most eligible piece in the Lohan family, the meth bottle blast didn’t cause any major injuries. David was arrested for manufacturing a control substance.
They should also charge David’s dumb ass for being the worst meth maker ever. When Trooper Shiloh asked what that gross chemical smell was, David should’ve said that a can of Mountain Dew spilled in the car earlier or he should’ve said that all the Purell he drinks makes his farts smelly funny. Trooper Shiloh would’ve shrugged and move on. But no, David had to run off like a moron. What if Trooper Shiloh fired a shot at David? Bitch
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I guess Keebler is making silicone titty bags for elves now, because Hayden Panatroll’s got a pair and they’re covering her chest with shades of Tori Spelling – The Superficial
ScarJo admits to sucking on Sean Penn’s dehydrated crotch noodle, which is not something someone should ever admit – Lainey Gossip
Strangely enough, this is also where Suri Cruises come from – Towleroad
Slow day on the ho stroll = the paps taking pictures of She-Pratt - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
No, RPattz doesn’t want to take his shirt off, because he knows the Twihards can sniff out his nipple meat from ten miles away – Celebitchy
Gluten-free weed and penis cakes does a chipmunk’s body good – Hollywood Tuna
Adam Levine is flattered by Jennifer Love Hewitt the same way Steve Rodgers was flattered by Wiener Dog – ICYDK
Hayden Christensen’s hairy Canadian bacon nipples for your pleasure – Popsugar
It’s probably just me, but Jennifer Lawrence is looking a little Zellweger-ish in this picture. B.Coop’s next beard? – The Berry
I am only okay with a Sabrina the Teenage Witch remake if Jocelyn Wildenstein plays Salem – Videogum
If I had a crack rock for every time Dreamboat went to rehab, I’d probably be in rehab with Dreamboat –
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On the left is Gloria Carter, a woman who is letting nature happen to her face. In the middle is Beyonce, a woman who officially owns the trademark for the color blue (which is why if you’re wearing blue™, you should find a lawsuit from her team of lawyers in your lap in 3..2..it’s there) and a woman who looks absolutely beautiful for someone who carried a temper-pedic baby pillow for 9 WHOLE months! And on the right is the latest eliminated Mogwai from Gizmo’s Drag Race. The hell kind of gremlin trickery did Mama Tina do to her face? I know your instinct is to throw water at her, but don’t or she’ll multiply!
Mama Tina’s cheeks look like they’re pregnant with two throbbing demon seeds. Mama Tina’s eyebrows look like the hairy horns of Satan that were thrown on her face to terrorize us on earth. Mama Tina’s whole face looks like it’s possessed by the blood (aka Botox) of Jocelyn Wildenstein.
Mama Tina slithered out of her Lair of Dereon last night to join Gloria Carter, Beyonce and Basement Baby at an Obama re-election fundraiser in NYC last night. Inviting Mama Tina to a re-election fundraiser is the smartest move Michelle Obama has ever made.
As soon as Mama Tina appeared at the entrance to the party in a cloud of smoke, every bitch
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Full Story »For some strange reason, someone pulled a “Roseanne opening credits” on Brit Brit and made a video of her morphing from baby to crazy to now. It’s sort of like watching a Cheetos melt under a McDonald’s heat lamps, backwards. Watching it all crash into a pink wig of insanity after KFed and Wonky is creepy, borderline horrifying and I had to look over my shoulder a few times to make sure a green umbrella wasn’t coming at me. What I’m saying is that whoever did this, should do this to Lindsay Lohan…. and Mickey Rourke… and Jocelyn Wildenstein… and Jodie Marsh... and you… and you…. and EVERYBODY ELSE. Well, everybody except me, because if you morphed my face from baby to now it would probably look a lot like a worm flaring his anus in slow motion.
via Buzzfeed
After putting two fug drops in your eyes in the form of Lil Kim’s sawdust brows and Lindsay Lohan’s shellacked face nalgas, here’s a palate cleanser. Don’t you just want to kiss him on his nose…and his other nose…and his other nose. How many noses does this bitch have? (Kate Moss so wants to be that bat.)
Boing Boing says that this is a new species of the leaf-nosed bat found by scientists in one of Vietnam’s national parks. Experts say that the bat’s kaleidoscope of noses helps him to echolate. I don’t know what that means! I do know that what I love most about his nose is that when I stare at it I see labia, a circumcised peen, a tip of a clit and a couple of nipples. He’s got a Jamie Lee Curtis party on his face!
You know, Mickey Rourke and Jocelyn Wildenstein have spent tens of thousands of dollars to look like this and this bat has it naturally. Excuse his beauty, indeed.
The monkey in the doll face hat from last night’s episode of The River
So last night was the premiere of the show that ABC has been shoving down our eye sockets almost harder than NBC has been shoving that Smash shit down our eyes sockets. The River is sort of like Blair Watch (the sequel) meets Paranormal Activity meets The Jungle Book meets (hopefully) your mouth over a bong. I watched it sober and I do not recommend it. Snort Twinkie cream or freebase a Starburst or something. If you don’t, it could be a work of pure comedy like it was for me. ABC kept warning our adult eyes that it’ll make us scream through our assholes, but it just made me laugh. Like the part (SPOILER-ISH ALERT) with the monkey in the doll face hat. The main hos are walking through the jungle and they hear a little girl crying. They spot what they think is the little girl crouching on the ground, but when they get closer, it’s really a doll face on a monkey’s head. COMEDY! Those bitches started screaming like they just saw a SANS FARDS Jocelyn Wildenstein, but I would’ve been looking around to see if I accidentally stumbled into Lady CaCa’s Monster Ball. I mean, why is that monkey wearing a doll face hat? Who does it think it is? The other monkeys are like, “THIS BITCH thinks it’s doing couture now.“
I bet this is what it looks like after Kim Kardashian lures a
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Full Story »I woke up at 5 this morning feeling like a throbbing, spiked, hot hemorrhoid ball was trying to push its way out of my gums and that feeling was a lot less painful than the shit I went through while watching this Meowy Meowmas meowssage from Jocelyn Wildenstein here. I’m going to the dentist right now and I was fully expecting to have to beg hard for a Vicodin prescription, but now I don’t even have to try. I just have to bring up this horrific pussy mess on my phone right after telling him what I watched today. Vicodin prescription with unlimited refills, coming up!
via The Daily What
The royal wedding of every century will take place this Wednesday when the most stunningly gorgeous creature to ever wear a crown, La Duquesa de Alba, makes 61-year-old commoner civil servant Alfonso Díez her third husband and the luckiest mere mortal in the world. The Spanish magazine Interviú is celebrating this historical event by gifting the world with glorious pictures of the Klingon dandelion filling the sun with more sunshine by shooting rays of aristocratic exquisiteness out of her nipple holes on a beach in Ibiza back in the 1980s when she was just 56 years old. This was long before the Duchess of Alba fell into a vat of liquid diamonds and Death Eater blood, transforming her into an albino Jocelyn Wildenstein with an afro made of Andy Rooney’s shed eyebrows hairs.
Curtsy, gently bow your head and lift up your eyeballs as you let the Duchess of Alba knight you with her (NSFW) noble nipples. Desnuda y radiante!
via Vanitatis (Thanks Erica!)
