Afternoon Crumbs

The right queen won RuPaul's Drag Race last night, but Detox should get a special prize for singing out Jocelyn Wildenstein's theme song - Queerty

Jessica Biel looks in the mirror and sees a nose ring while I see a strand of chrome mocos - Lainey Gossip

And I'm sure Miranda Kerr told people, "Well, my top sort of looks like sequined black tape and that's punk rock, right?" Hollywood Tuna 

That pole has more charisma and sex appeal than Backdoor Farrah does - Drunken Stepfather

Baby Darren Aronofsky is not impressed with whatever he's not impressed with  - Celebitchy

If you turn your head to the side, Jessica Simpson's knocked up belly button sort of looks like an eye. I think I just saw it blink. - The Superficial

Nightmares is what I will have tonight after looking at the picture of a blurry Mary-Kate Olsen drifting in front of the lens - Popsugar

Let me guess, this is the scene in the movie where Cameron Diaz is really hungover and Leslie Mann wants her to walk that big dog and she doesn't want to do it and she complains about being hungover and then that ghost lurking in the background eats her. The end! - Popoholic

From the department of Why So Edgy?: Carey Mulligan in Flaunt - ICYDK

It's official, us humans have run out of shit to do with our time - Jezebel

Something to make you feel one foot closer to the grave, Baby Got Back is 21 years old - HuffPo

YAY DELAWARE! - Towleroad

This was my reaction to watching Teen Mom Farrah get backdoored  - The Berry

Zachary Quinto is down and out at the scat party - Just Jared

Klunky Kartrashian talks to Redbook magazine about her womb is not wanting a baby in it right now - I'm Not Obsessed

Because Obama has nothing better to do... - IDLYITW

Usher wishes he had it like that, so does The Biebs - SOW

Precious knew one of her boyfriends was gay when he tried her shoes on. If his hooves were big enough to fit in her shoes, I'm guessing her ex-boyfriend was either Khloe Kardashian or Noxeema Jackson  - Crunk + Disorderly

Don't you hate it when a shifty beards steals your ice cream? - Videogum

I pity the janitor who had to clean up the puddle of wax off the ground after Gretchen Rossi melted - Reality Tea 

Open Post: Hosted By Beauty Incarnate

Weekend detention to those of you who just said that Lindsay Lohan is looking hot. That homely hag Lindsay Lohan wishes her wax skin was so tight that it's crushing whatever bones she has left in her face. And Lindsay Lohan prays every night that she'll wake up looking like an albino Asian ThunderCat on the prowl.

I'm going to stop now and let these gorgeous pictures of the stunning Jocelyn Wildenstein and her equally as stunning piece Lloyd Klein speak for themselves. And by "speak," I really mean scream until you're hiding under the table.

Crotches Of Meth

An Oklahoma Highway Patrol trooper telling the local news that "it was determined that there was an active meth lab in his pants" is the reason why the American flag is flying extra high today.

When Highway Patrol trooper Shiloh Hall pulled over an SUV for speeding, he asked the same question tanning salon employees ask after Jocelyn Wildenstein comes in to bake her skin: "What is that chemical smell?" When Trooper Shiloh realized that something in the SUV was meth, its passenger, David Williams, quit that bitch and ran away. Trooper Shiloh chased after David, caught the ho and quickly realized he had a meth lab stashed in his pants. File this under: WWWWD (What Would Walt White Do?).

Sometime during David's struggle with Trooper Shiloh, the meth lab franchise on his crotch exploded. Besides the fact that David's got meth mouth of the dick and has become the most eligible piece in the Lohan family, the meth bottle blast didn't cause any major injuries. David was arrested for manufacturing a control substance.

They should also charge David's dumb ass for being the worst meth maker ever. When Trooper Shiloh asked what that gross chemical smell was, David should've said that a can of Mountain Dew spilled in the car earlier or he should've said that all the Purell he drinks makes his farts smelly funny. Trooper Shiloh would've shrugged and move on. But no, David had to run off like a moron. What if Trooper Shiloh fired a shot at David? Bitch would've blown up. This is why whenever I need to transport a portable meth lab in a car, I just hide it up in my no-no. Not even the most dedicated and bravest cop will ask me for a cavity search and if it explodes up in there, I wouldn't even notice.

via Arbroath

Jay-Z's Mama, Beyonce And A Plastic Gremlin Come Out For Obama

On the left is Gloria Carter, a woman who is letting nature happen to her face. In the middle is Beyonce, a woman who officially owns the trademark for the color blue (which is why if you're wearing blue™, you should find a lawsuit from her team of lawyers in your lap in 3..2..it's there) and a woman who looks absolutely beautiful for someone who carried a temper-pedic baby pillow for 9 WHOLE months! And on the right is the latest eliminated Mogwai from Gizmo's Drag Race. The hell kind of gremlin trickery did Mama Tina do to her face? I know your instinct is to throw water at her, but don't or she'll multiply!

Mama Tina's cheeks look like they're pregnant with two throbbing demon seeds. Mama Tina's eyebrows look like the hairy horns of Satan that were thrown on her face to terrorize us on earth. Mama Tina's whole face looks like it's possessed by the blood (aka Botox) of Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Mama Tina slithered out of her Lair of Dereon last night to join Gloria Carter, Beyonce and Basement Baby at an Obama re-election fundraiser in NYC last night. Inviting Mama Tina to a re-election fundraiser is the smartest move Michelle Obama has ever made.

As soon as Mama Tina appeared at the entrance to the party in a cloud of smoke, every bitch dropped their purse on the floor and ran for their lives! With just the lift of one brow, Mama Tina can steal your voice, poison your food and give you the feeling that her minions are snatching your children out of their beds to put them to work in the House of Dereon sweat shop. Drop all your worldly possessions and save your children!

After Basement Baby tallied up all the dropped wallets, purses, wigs, jewelry and watches she picked up off the floor, she declared that they set a new fundraising record. You're a mean (and genius) one, Mama Tina.

Open Post: Hosted By The Morphing Of Brit Brit's Face

For some strange reason, someone pulled a "Roseanne opening credits" on Brit Brit and made a video of her morphing from baby to crazy to now. It's sort of like watching a Cheetos melt under a McDonald's heat lamps, backwards. Watching it all crash into a pink wig of insanity after KFed and Wonky is creepy, borderline horrifying and I had to look over my shoulder a few times to make sure a green umbrella wasn't coming at me. What I'm saying is that whoever did this, should do this to Lindsay Lohan.... and Mickey Rourke... and Jocelyn Wildenstein... and Jodie Marsh... and you... and you.... and EVERYBODY ELSE. Well, everybody except me, because if you morphed my face from baby to now it would probably look a lot like a worm flaring his anus in slow motion.

via Buzzfeed

Finally, Some Actual Beauty Around Here

After putting two fug drops in your eyes in the form of Lil Kim's sawdust brows and Lindsay Lohan's shellacked face nalgas, here's a palate cleanser. Don't you just want to kiss him on his nose...and his other nose...and his other nose. How many noses does this bitch have? (Kate Moss so wants to be that bat.)

Boing Boing says that this is a new species of the leaf-nosed bat found by scientists in one of Vietnam's national parks. Experts say that the bat's kaleidoscope of noses helps him to echolate. I don't know what that means! I do know that what I love most about his nose is that when I stare at it I see labia, a circumcised peen, a tip of a clit and a couple of nipples. He's got a Jamie Lee Curtis party on his face!

You know, Mickey Rourke and Jocelyn Wildenstein have spent tens of thousands of dollars to look like this and this bat has it naturally. Excuse his beauty, indeed.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

The monkey in the doll face hat from last night's episode of The River

So last night was the premiere of the show that ABC has been shoving down our eye sockets almost harder than NBC has been shoving that Smash shit down our eyes sockets. The River is sort of like Blair Watch (the sequel) meets Paranormal Activity meets The Jungle Book meets (hopefully) your mouth over a bong. I watched it sober and I do not recommend it. Snort Twinkie cream or freebase a Starburst or something. If you don't, it could be a work of pure comedy like it was for me. ABC kept warning our adult eyes that it'll make us scream through our assholes, but it just made me laugh. Like the part (SPOILER-ISH ALERT) with the monkey in the doll face hat. The main hos are walking through the jungle and they hear a little girl crying. They spot what they think is the little girl crouching on the ground, but when they get closer, it's really a doll face on a monkey's head. COMEDY! Those bitches started screaming like they just saw a SANS FARDS Jocelyn Wildenstein, but I would've been looking around to see if I accidentally stumbled into Lady CaCa's Monster Ball. I mean, why is that monkey wearing a doll face hat? Who does it think it is? The other monkeys are like, "THIS BITCH thinks it's doing couture now."

I bet this is what it looks like after Kim Kardashian lures a dude into her cave. Kim's plastic face pulls back and her real beast face comes out to suck the life out of her victim. Well, since I put it that way, maybe this shit is scary after all.

Open Post: Hosted By A Christmas Nightmare

I woke up at 5 this morning feeling like a throbbing, spiked, hot hemorrhoid ball was trying to push its way out of my gums and that feeling was a lot less painful than the shit I went through while watching this Meowy Meowmas meowssage from Jocelyn Wildenstein here. I'm going to the dentist right now and I was fully expecting to have to beg hard for a Vicodin prescription, but now I don't even have to try. I just have to bring up this horrific pussy mess on my phone right after telling him what I watched today. Vicodin prescription with unlimited refills, coming up!

via The Daily What

Good Morning, Here's The Duchess Of Alba's 56-Year-Old Chichis To Get Your Week Started Right!

The royal wedding of every century will take place this Wednesday when the most stunningly gorgeous creature to ever wear a crown, La Duquesa de Alba, makes 61-year-old commoner civil servant Alfonso Díez her third husband and the luckiest mere mortal in the world. The Spanish magazine Interviú is celebrating this historical event by gifting the world with glorious pictures of the Klingon dandelion filling the sun with more sunshine by shooting rays of aristocratic exquisiteness out of her nipple holes on a beach in Ibiza back in the 1980s when she was just 56 years old. This was long before the Duchess of Alba fell into a vat of liquid diamonds and Death Eater blood, transforming her into an albino Jocelyn Wildenstein with an afro made of Andy Rooney's shed eyebrows hairs.

Curtsy, gently bow your head and lift up your eyeballs as you let the Duchess of Alba knight you with her (NSFW) noble nipples. Desnuda y radiante!

via Vanitatis (Thanks Erica!)