And here’s another reason for why stage 4 Beliebers should be locked in their playpens and fed a steady stream of downers until they realize that they’ve been obsessively worshipping a glorified singing Kid Sister doll.
At his show in Dubai tonight, Justin Bieber was almost hugged to death by a crazy Belieber who crashed the stage and came at him. The Biebs’ security immediately tackled the hugger, which caused the piano to fall over. No, Justin Bieber’s security guards did not overreact, because if that insane hugger hugged the Biebs too hard, he would’ve exploded and Beanie Baby sand would’ve gone everywhere. It would’ve made the babies in the audience drown in their own tears. It would’ve been a bad scene.
And I take back what I said about the Beibs being a glorified singing Kid Sister doll. I mean, it’s obvious that piano was made of cardboard and empty inside. So he’s a musical genius for being able to play a fake piano that’s made of cardboard!
via The National
Minutes after Selena Gomez electrocuted Justin Bieber with shock therapy nipple clamps (that’s the only explanation for that hair), somebody (his publicist) took a picture of them getting gross and threw it up on Instagram. The Biebs added the note:
“You’ve been makin music for too long babe come cuddle” -her
HA. Makin’ music? I don’t see a Fisher-Price keyboard and a Playskool Rocktivity music table. You know he’s either Skyping with Usher or playing a Bob the Builder game.
Of course, this STUNT QUEEN picture has made a million Beliebers stand on the rails of their cribs and threaten to jump. Here’s just a few of the most priceless responses:
Help in having a panic attack maybe I should get my priorities straight this picture makes me sad
Selena your a fucking ugly whore and we all fucking hate you and your an asshole and hurt justin so bad and you were a sarcastic bitch I don’t ducking know why you would take her back justin that was a stupid choice.
I thought u loved me but know i see u don’t .i thought u were not gonna be back with her after all the bad things she said about you but I was wrong I don’t want to be a #belieber anymore . And when u break up with
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I’ve always known that Wendy and Casper were going to freak on each other sooner or later…
The Swedish police taking his weed stash didn’t get Justin Bieber down and before his concert in Stockholm today, he and a glasses-free Urkel leaned back and freak danced their way onto his tour bus. I see Justin trying to make Usher jealous by leaning into that dude’s crotch.
You can laugh all you want at those foolish onesies, but you know who’s not laughing? Justin’s au pair. That onesie makes it extra easy for her to change his diaper when he gets a violent case of the weed shits. And where is Justin’s au pair anyway? She needs to stick a pacifier in his mouth, because sucking his thumb is going to give him buck teeth and then he’s really going to look like a beaver.
I think we’re all going to need some weed to process all of the foolery in this picture of Justin Bieber with his bodyguard. This child probably thinks that he looks like the next Michael Jackson when he really looks like an unused sex slave in Kunty Karl’s S&M sex dungeon. Little asshole is putting the pussy in Pussy Riot. While I can appreciate the double zippers (easy access!) on his hot bodyguard’s onesie, the shamed look on that grown dude’s face is telling me that the millionaire child made him wear that pajama party uniform. I kind of want to make like Justin Bieber’s fedora and fall back out of this whole scene. Moving on to other Bieber news….
TMZ says that at around 7pm in Stockholm, Sweden last night, police smelled the sweet scent of the good shit wafting out of Justin Bieber’s tour bus, which was parked in front of the Grand Hotel. While they were getting a warrant to search the bus, the bus drove to the Globe Arena. When it got to the Globe Arena, the cops and a special narcotics unit searched the bus and found a small stash of drugs (the local newspapers are saying it was weed) and an unlicensed stun gun. Aftonbladet says that when the cops got
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If a Tumblr called Fetuses with iPhones existed, these pictures would be its crown jewels. Anne Frank’s homeboy Justin Bieber slapped at the haters who are constantly yelling at him to put on a shirt (see: Olivia Wilde) by posting a couple of shirtless selfies on Instagram with a couple of eye roll-inducing captions:
Breaking news @justinbieber posts two shirtless pics in a day could he be anymore full of himself -silly people
Breaking news worldwide @justinbieber just posted 2 shirtless pictures he must be going crazy’ -funny people #forthefansanyways #dontbecreepin :p
There are so many things Justin Bieber should be doing besides taking pictures of his fetus abs and his chewed-up bubble gum belly button. The Biebs needs to pull up his pants (I mean, he IS a big kid now) and he needs to work on his smolder. He wants to look all mysterious and sexy in a butch way, but instead he looks sad and disappointed. Like he just failed potty training again after making a poopy in his Pampers. Work on your smolder, Biebs.
If he really wanted to do something for the Beliebers, he’d get Anne Frank’s bio tattooed on his chest, take a picture of that and upload it to Instagram, because some of those children don’t even know who she is. I mean….
via Instagram
Justin Bieber is trying to take Suze Orman’s place as the lesbian financial queen of our time – Lainey Gossip
In Teen Mom Farrah’s defense, she’s dumber than a factory-defected vibrator, so I doubt she came up with this porn plot on her own – The Superficial
Thinking about Jay Leno nailing Andy Cohen’s ass puts FLAMES FLAAAAMES FLAMES on the side of my face – Towleroad
Crispy Ronaldo’s full-time suntan oil holder poses with some man abs – Drunken Stepfather
The first picture is like Scientology’s answer to Stonehenge – The Berry
Kevin Bacon hates his own show and not because all of the serial killers are model hot and all of the FBI agents are really, really dumb – Celebitchy
Heather Locklear needs to donate a few strands of eyebrow hairs to her daughter – Hollywood Tuna
This dress would’ve been a zillion times hotter on Elvira – Popoholic
Instead of being mad at themselves for not trying to help their daughter, Amanda Bynes’ parents are mad at Kim Kartrashian – ICYDK
GINGER TODDLER ALERT! – Just Jared
Kendall Jenner’s dream in life is to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel – IDLYITW
I’d hit it until my parts fell off and even then I’d glue my
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Because all the hot female pop stars are doing it (see: Miley, Brit Brit, RiRi, Robyn, etc…), the hottest female pop star of them all sashayed down to the child’s beauty salon and took a pair of clippers to the side of his head. While posing with Beliebers backstage after a show in Germany on Saturday night, Justin Bieber showed off his new emo guinea pig haircut. Yes, the Biebs is serving up some hipster indie rocker lesbian tease and he if he doesn’t listen to Tegan and Sara all the time, then he’s doing a disservice to that haircut.
It also kind of looks like the top of his head is barfing out Donald Trump’s comb over and sometimes it looks like a deflated Flock of Seagulls. But the Biebs should just stop postponing the inevitable and cut ridges into the side of his hair so he can go full 1990s Vanilla Ice already. It’s his destiny.
Here’s Justin Bieber on the cover of Fetus Vogue throwing a demure and distressed over-the-shoulder look that an innocent Southern ingenue might throw when she wants a young gentleman to throw his wool coat over the puddle that’s blocking her way. (Or maybe that’s a “You want me to put that long thing WHERE, Uncle Usher?” look.) The smoldering Beanie Baby took some time out from his advanced potty training classes to talk to Teen Vogue (via HuffPo) about fame and he was as humble and down-to-earth as he always is. The Biebs said that God filled his tiny fetus twink body with the spirit of Mother Teresa, because he believes that his purpose in life is to help people. The Biebs also said that just like Jay-Z, he doesn’t need to entertain rumors, because he’s that big of a superstar.
Here are the reasons why my “bitch, please” muscle is going to be as sore as hell today:
Bieber on how he’s too big to answer to rumors: “I know who I am, and I’m very much in control. I don’t need to address every speculation. Remember when Cam’ron dissed Jay-Z? Jay-Z didn’t even respond. Why didn’t he respond? He didn’t need to respond because he’s Jay-Z.”
Bieber on how his friends
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The spanking monkey jokes write themselves….
Because Justin Bieber’s diapers are filled with delusions, he thinks he’s the second coming of Michael Jackson, so of course he has his own pet monkey. Bubbles is not impressed. The Biebs flew into Munich on Thursday with his pet capuchin monkey (a gift from some producer) and while going through customs, officials told the come-to-life Kid Sister doll that he didn’t have the right paperwork and they’d have to quarantine his monkey. A customs spokeswhore told the NYDN that the monkey is currently in quarantine jail. The Biebs will have to pay whatever it costs to take care of his monkey and he’ll probably be hit with a £10,000 fine.
Unlike the Biebs, that monkey is probably potty-trained, knows better than to spit in a trick’s face, doesn’t crash a $200,000 sports car every other week and wears pants that fit, and it’s the one who gets put into quarantine?! Everything is wrong with that. If this world was a right place, Justin would be the one in quarantine jail and that monkey would be the one screeching and thrusting its crotch for thousands of fans. Germany’s got the wrong monkey.
And seriously, we all know what happened to Justin Bieber’s hamster (No, it didn’t get lost up in his insides after he Richard Gere’d it. It died.), so that monkey is in a better place.
Seen above walking through an airport in Lodz, Poland without a blouse on because toddlers get the coke sweats real bad, Justin Bieber is being investigated by the police in L.A. after he got into a messy screaming match with his neighbor outside of his mansion in Calabasas, CA at 9 this morning. The neighbor told the police that the thug chickenhawk got violent with him and threatened him.
TMZ says that The Lesbeater and his neighbor fought over one of his newest toys: a Ferrari. The Ferrari was delivered to Justin’s house last night while he was traveling home from Europe and this morning he played with it by driving it up and down the street. The sound got on his neighbor’s last nerve and he felt like Justin was endangering innocent lives by speeding down the street. The neighbor went over to Justin’s house, got in his face and they started yelling at each other. The neighbor told police that Justin physically attacked him, but the Biebs denies it. A source says that Justin went inside and his security guards escorted the neighbor off of his property.
So, some brat with too much money is annoying everybody around him by being all loud while playing with his fancy toys? I’ve seen this movie before. It’s called Blank Check. We need Tone Loc
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