98% of JWoww was made in a plastic factory in China somewhere, but she’s still a proud American and what do proud Americans do on Geena Davis Day (she’s the only President I care enough about to honor)? They write a list of all the President’s they’d like to fuck, of course. Truth is, I’m twisting my taint for not coming up with this first.
The First Lady of the Back Alley Plastic Surgeon Office got patriotic on her blog yesterday and listed all the Presidents she’s wet smush on a moist mattress in the shore house. This list should really be the new Pledge of Allegiance:
Ulysses S. Grant
I heard he was an alchoholic. Sounds like he liked to party! He kinda looks like that actor Kevin Kline, right? LOL.Abraham Lincoln
Who knew the dude on the $5 bill wasn’t always so hairy. I bet the ladies loved him back in the day.Bill Clinton
He might be old and gray but he was famous for not being able to keep it in his pants and a guy with a healthy sexual appetite is always sexy in my book.George Washington
Who knew that the guy on the coin you use to get your laundry done was a bit of a looker. He can join me for some GTL anytime he wants!George W. Bush
We all know this guy liked to
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JWoww, the Audrey Hepburn of the Jersey Shore whores, is known as being a pristine pearl that fell out of an an empty bottle of Thunderbird at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean many years ago and her new bikini line completely reflects that. Aren’t you staring at the triangle pasties hugging onto JWoww’s dried concrete titty balls and thinking to yourself that you too want to look like you’ve got suction cup nipples? No, you don’t? Well, that’s because you obviously don’t have an eye for the elegant things in life.
JWoww’s Perfect Tan Bikini Line uses an “innovative” silicone based adhesive that sticks to your silicone based titties and allows you to freely lay under the cancer beams without worrying about tan lines. Yes, when you rip that shit off, it’ll also rip off any feeling you had left in your nipples. But if you’re like JWoww, then you don’t have any feeling in your nipples anyway. And I’m sure JWoww bought this “innovative” sticky technology from a dude named Lizard in the parking lot of an abandoned strip club on Staten Island, so it will most likely seep into your pores and cause your nipples to foam at the mouth, but that’s a small price to pay to look this exquisite.
And I don’t know if they broke every computer from Photoshopping the shit out of JWoww, or if she just naturally looks an extra in a CGI porn.
So the Farrelly Brothers decided to give the kids from Jersey Shore a cameo in their upcoming Three Stooges reboot (Oh, the jokes write themselves…) which turned out to be such an amazing experience that Sammi “Sweatheart” Giancola, Jenni “JWoww” Farley, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, and Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi may now turn their fist-pumping sights on second careers as actors. At least when this nightmare comes to pass, we know who to blame.
JWoww and Sammi recently told Access Hollywood how wonderful their cameo-filming experience was, and how encouragement from directors Peter and Bobby Farrelly led them to consider pursuing acting.
“For the Farrelly Bros to say how well we did… it gives me chills,” JWoww recalled.
Sammi elaborated. “Like, you never know,” she mused. “Like, I actually enjoyed acting, and I enjoyed being a part of it, so I would love to see what the future holds, whether it’s acting or something else.”
Castmates Ronnie and Snooki also reportedly want in on the action, according to Access Hollywood. “We’re not scared to be stupid or make fun of ourselves,” said Snooki. “I think we could be good in acting. I would love to do comedy.”
Watch the video yourself and weep for the future.
⢠Sammi & J-Woww: It Was An ‘Amazing Experience’ Being In ‘The Three Stooges’ [Access Hollywood]
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The Jersey Shore whores are about to be launched into Italy to shoot the fourth (and probably final) season of their cinematic gonorrhea rash of a show, and they were supposed to disappear into the dark oblivion after that. The beasts crawl out of the earth’s open sore from Hades, wreak havoc on our people and then slither back into the underworld once the damage has been done. That’s what we all learned mythology class (I never took mythology class)! That’s how it was supposed to happen.
I mean, JWoww is supposed to use her fortune to open up a roadside strip club/dog boarding/elegant boutique and eventually get sent to prison for dog sex trafficking (Whoring out dogs to other dogs, of course. She’s not a total monster). Pauly D is supposed marry the Guidette of his dreams, get really fat and get a job as a night manager of a check cashing place. And Snooki is supposed to lead the Ewoks in a battle against the Imperial shield generator. They aren’t supposed to be on our TVs anymore. Oh, but they are! USA Today says that MTV has picked up pilots starring Pauly D, JWoww and Snooki! The gruesome details:
MTV has just announced two Jersey Shore spinoff shows.
First is The Untitled Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Jenni “JWoww” Farley Project. Viewers will get to see how Snooki and JWoww “deal with
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Playboy has already offer Jersey Shore’s JWoww $400,000 to fully bare what a plastic surgeon gave her in the pages of their magazine, and now their little gay brother Playgirl wants Vinny to take off his Ed Hardy chonies for $30,000. So while JWoww is driving around in a Bentley she bought with her Playgirl money, Vinny can follow her in his brand new fully equipped Kia Sorrento! Kias get better mileage, thankyouverymuch.
Daniel Nardicio of Playgirl tells Life & Style’s Scene Queens that they put out the offer to Vinny after Snooki said on an episode of Jersey Whores that smooshing him was like putting a “watermelon into a pin hole.” Snooki is already the side of a watermelon, so my guess is that Vinny’s dick is bigger than her. Snooki normally looks like an Oompa Loompa, but when Vinny stuck it in she swole up like Violet Beauregarde. More like a garden snake eating a water buffalo.
Playgirl is not stopping there either. They also want to make a rubber replica of Vinny’s watermelon cock through their company Clone-A-Willy. They will give Vinny a cut of the profits.
If Vinny has a dick that could break the fruit weight at a grocery store then Playgirl better up their offer. They paid Levi Johnston $150,000 and he didn’t even show one peen lip. Vinny should charge by the pound.
And if Vinny gets sick of weak hos complaining that his “dick so large” situation leaves them with broken hip bones and sore throats (even though they didn’t give him oral), then he needs to call up Medusa:
Jessica Simpson doesn’t have the skills to be a judge for the South Carolina State Fair’s Annual Pig Costume Contest, and yet she somehow was chosen to be the guest judge at Project Runway’s finale runway show in NYC yesterday morning. And Jessica confirmed that she’s the second coming of Coco Chanel by wearing an unfortunate dress that made her look like Ethan Suplee in bootleg drag as Endora going to a funeral. Blame Michael Kors for giving Jess another “This Is Not The Look” moment, because he designed that mess.
I know Jessica Simpson sells a lot of shoes at Macy’s and shit, but JWoww also has a clothing line and you don’t see her as a guest on Project Runway (Crystal ball says “Please welcome guest judge…JWoww – Heidi Klum next season”). I mean, Jessica has the fashion sense of a damn squirrel!
Wait, I take that back. Sugar Bush has proven that squirrels have impeccable taste in fashion:
Hell, Sugar Bush should’ve been the guest judge instead of Jessica!
