TMZ says that the reason Russell Brand filed for divorce yesterday and not Katy Perry is because she didn’t want her super-religious parents slapping her with their King James. That’s a bible, not a dildo brand.
Since Katy’s parents are evangelical Christians, we’re told she didn’t want to be the one to “officially” end the marriage by filing the docs … since she was raised to believe divorce is wrong.
So are stunt weddings. Her parents’ values didn’t seem to concern her too much when she MARRIED his ass. Or when her first hit song was about dyking it out. Also – someone told me that (no, “someone” isn’t me, I was at a Miley Cyrus show that night) at her concert she talks about giving head and her audience’s average age is pretty much 12. Smurfette is riding a cherry-picker when it comes to her Christian values.
They also reportedly have had divorce on deck for a couple of weeks after realizing their marriage “just wasn’t there”.
They were an incongruous couple, right? She tries way to hard to be Rainbow Brite or whatever and he looks like he was born from an oil slick. People tell me he’s funny? My problem is that I can’t watch Get Him To The Greek to find out because Jonah Hill’s in it. Jonah Hill is the worst. Both versions
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Trouble in paradise? That may be the case, if by paradise you mean a squeeky voiced Muppet who always shoves her boobs in your face and a low rent 70’s Cousin It from the planet Weirdo. A very respectable source, aka Us Weekly reports that Katy Perry and Russell Brand spent Christmas on opposite sides of the globe after having a huge blowout. No, unfortunately I’m not talking about Katy’s implants.
Us Weekly says “They had a massive fight. She was like, ‘F–k you. I’m going to do my own thing.’ Russell replied, ‘Fine, f–k you too.’” Ah, romance. And couldn’t they spice it up a little, like “Fuck you in your mangy flea infested beard” and “Fine, titty fuck you too!” Gawd, I have to do everything around here. Even their fights are boring. So after they exchanged the bad kind of fucks, Katie jetted off to Hawaii with friends while her hairier half went to Cornwall.
They’re still officially a couple but their friends are saying they’ve been at each others’ throats for months, and it’s getting worse. Maybe she watched some of Russell’s “stand up” and he heard “Firework” and they got a big slap of wtf did I do with my life to the face. Or maybe Russell got tired of Katy always trapping him by his hair during sexy times (you’re welcome for that image). But some people are
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Either Papa Smurf is trying to smuggle in a handful of Smurf Berries or trying to motorboat Katy Perry’s chichis with his nose erection has left him with a slight case of Smurf Bulge. What kind of SUCIO behavior do you expect from a permanently topless forest daddy who doesn’t have nipples to twerk so he has to get his fuck buzz from his other parts? Papa Smurf better slip on his mirror mask and start trolling The Rambles part of Smurf Village if he wants Vanity to Smurf the Smurf out of him.
And yes, a trailer for a children’s movie taught me that you can make everything sound extra raunchy filthy dirty if you just slap a Smurf on it.
Here’s a newly yallaw-haired Katy Perry, Neil Patrick Harris with his dude David, Alan Cumming, Brooke Shields, Hank Azaria (Who is checking for Smurf dingles before he starts Smurf tossing. See what I mean?), Sofia Vergara and Jayma Mays at last night’s NYC premiere of The Smurfs.
By now, Super 8 has either rekindled your fondness for Steven Spielberg’s whimsy or — well, it hasn’t. Either you embrace nostalgia and the comforts of epic, innocent fantasy, or you’re purposely done with them until another Toy Story comes out. I sympathize with the latter option, especially if you think the keywords “Steven Spielberg” and “innocence” call to mind Hook, the 1991 kiddie blockbuster that asks, “What if we took the story of Peter Pan, threw it out, and invented an unrelated story about a grumpy man who begrudgingly saves his kidnapped children?” Tah-dah! Yuck. And yet, I found a few reasons to love this troubling movie. Chortle with me as I rank them!
Let’s start with some gentle hatred: Hook is way too mopey and 1991-riffic (synonyms) to be considered a sequel to or variation on J.M. Barrie’s Peter Pan. Not even close. That’s like if Katy Perry released a squawky, gawky cover of Kate Bush’s “Wuthering Heights” and credited Emily Bronte as an active co-writer. My god, please! No literary cred for you, Katy! Similarly, we’re bearing witness as Spielberg straps a cupcake bra to a children’s classic and plunges roman candles thereon to guarantee a nine-figure explosion at the box office. Taste flies right out the window with the frosting.
Hook is based on an idea Barrie had to write a story about Peter Pan’s adulthood. It never came to fruition for undisclosed reasons, but I imagine one of them is that the story of Peter Pan is just too timeless for a foray into middle age. You don’t need to update something that’s chronically relevant (or chronically chronic). I forgive Spielberg for…
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With all the tsunami, earthquakes and other disasters, the country of Japan decided that its people have suffered enough so they crossed Russell Brand’s name off of their guest list and did not allow him into the magical land of rainbow-wrapped fuckery. Russell tried to join his wife Katy Perry in Tokyo for her world tour, but Japan wasn’t having it. They told him sayo-fucking-nara and said that the closest he’s ever going to get to Japan is the sushi section at Todai. The reason was because of some illegal shit Russell did ten years ago. This is what Katy Perry Tweeted last night:
I’M SO EXCITED! I’M IN MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD! #JAPAN!!! #CALIFORNIADREAMSTOUR!!!
13 hours agoSo…my husband just got deported from Japan. I am so. sad. I brought him all this way to show him my favorite place #tokyodreamscrushed
10 hours agoIt was for priors from over 10 years ago! #mamanothappy! #don’tmessw/mahman! #uwannaplaylet’sgo #don’ttakeawomansmanfromhershe’llgetshiasty!
10 hours ago…But of COURSE I ♥ my Japanese fans & the show #MUSTGOON no matter the daily aftershocks or husband kidnappings! #it’snotrightbutit’sokay
10 hours ago#FREE@RUSTYROCKETS! RT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10 hours ago
Russell didn’t seem to upset about it in his Tweet about this mess: “Planning escape from Japanese custody. It’s bloody hard to dig a tunnel with a chopstick.”
But the joke is really on Japan, because Russell got into the country the next day by using Nancy McKeon’s passport.
The Land of the Rising Sun does not mess around. Joining his wife, boobsy chanteuse Katy Perry, on the Japanese leg of her world tour, Brand was taken into custody by local authorities and forcibly deported from Japan. So why the strong arm? Perry tweeted that “it was for priors from over 10 years ago,” but didn’t go into more detail than that. To be fair, Brand has been arrested more than 11 times in the past, so I’m sure Japan had quite the rich buffet to chose from. At least now Paul McCartney isn’t alone with his Japanese Outlaw status. [Us Weekly]
If you’re a skilled brow reader who happens to be in front of Mary Perry Hudson when she sees this picture of her daughter’s tits, you will most likely read her eyebrows screaming the following rant: “Cover those breasts in the name of JESUS! I got your number, hussy, and it’s 666!” Katy Perry’s evangelical preacher mother is shopping around a book proposal and in it she writes about how she’s not exactly praising her daughter’s Candy Land harlot wear and song lyrics.
Katy sometimes talks about her Christian upbringing, but those who care will get every single detail about it if her mother’s book ever gets published. Page Six got a hold of the full proposal going around to publishers and in it, Mary Perry compares herself to Billy Ray Cyrus (because his child has “risen to fame and live contrary to her parents’ beliefs“) and writes that she hopes her daughter morphs into “a Kathryn Kuhlman type of healer.“
But it’s Mary Perry’s pearl-clutching response to Katy’s tits that bothers me the most. Mary Perry needs to take a class at the Catholic catechism class I attended as a child, because we were taught that chichis are heaven’s mountains and cleavage is a side smile for Jesus. Or maybe I remember it differently since I was usually drunk on communion wine. But that’s not the point. The
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