Three mockable movies, five prolific Twitter stars: Who most effectively skewered the achronological, bizarrely unlit J. Edgar, the gauzy Immortals, and the downright insulting Jack and Jill? Join us for a rundown of Twitter’s best quips about the weekend box office.
5. Braden Graeber, of the viral meme “Little Hipster Mermaid,” reports that Funny People may not be Adam Sandler’s only cancer-centric comedy.
@hipstermermaid
braden graeber Really bad news: Turns out the lump my doctor thought was cancer was actually a pair of tickets to see Jack and Jill.
Nov 13 via Twitter for iPhoneFavoriteRetweetReply
4. Scrubs/Cougar Town guru Bill Lawrence (who is awesome) can’t hold in his disdain any longer.
3. Lost co-creator Damon Lindelof accurately traces Jack and Jill back to its horror beginnings.
@DamonLindelof
Damon Lindelof I heard a disturbing rumor that Sandler came up with the idea for JACK AND JILL whilst “Buffalo Billing” in front of a mirror.
Nov 13 via webFavoriteRetweetReply
2. Conan (O’Brien) vet Todd Levin thinks that J. Edgar won’t age well — because it didn’t do “age” well.
@toddlevin
todd levin The closing credits of J. Edgar include this credit: “Old Age Makeup provided by Halloween Headquarters.”
Nov 13 via Twitter for iPhoneFavoriteRetweetReply
1. This week’s winner: MTV vet and Twitter star Dave Holmes understands that beneath Kellan Lutz’s muscly exterior, he’s… really muscular.
@DaveHolmes
dave holmes You could go see Immortals, or you could flip through a Men’s Fitness while you watch someone play a video game.
Nov 13 via Twitter for iPhoneFavoriteRetweetReply
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Tarsem fans and Greek mythology nerds, get your thinking caps out; Movieline’s got four (4) pairs of VIP tickets to give away to send you and a guest to the Los Angeles premiere of Immortals, and the tix will go to the commenters who submit the best captions to accompany any of the below fantastical stills (or the one above) from the Henry Cavill-starring action pic. Ready, set, caption away! Details after the jump.
The Tarsem-directed epic actioner follows Theseus (Cavill) on a quest to battle the evil King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke), who’s hell bent on releasing the imprisoned Titans to end the rule of Zeus (Luke Evans) and co. Along for the ride: The goddess Athena (Isabel Lucas), the god Poseidon (Kellan Lutz), and the priestess Phaedra (Freida Pinto).
You’ve got 24 hours to caption any of the below photos (or the ab-tastic one above) in the comments below, to enter to win tickets to the Immortals premiere, held Monday, November 7th, at the Nokia Theater L.A. Live (777 Chick Hearn Court, Los Angeles, Ca 90015), at 7:30 pm. Ticket holders must be in seats by 6:45 pm to guarantee seating.
And since Immortals is rated R for “sequences of strong bloody violence, and a scene of sexuality,” only those 18 and over can win. Under 18? You can still submit your caption for bragging rights, of course!
The official synopsis:
Visionary director Tarsem Singh (The Cell, The Fall) transports us in this epic tale of treachery, vengeance and destiny in Immortals, a stylish and visually spectacular 3D action adventure. As a power-hungry king razes ancient Greece in search of a legendary weapon, a heroic young villager rises up
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If you molded a Raven from RuPaul’s Drag Race statue out of Kellan Lutz’s hard ripped shits (yes, even his shits have a six-pack on them), Madge’s escapee arm veins and Jodie Marsh’s old face, then covered it with whatever you cover a Barbie with, threw a chestnut-colored FLOR tile on its head and pinched its face until it looked like it was trying to push out a fart through its nipple holes, you’d have Joey Lawrence in a completely natural and not-at-all staged glamour shoot in the middle of a West Hollywood park the other day.
If you unplugged those plugs and dropped a miniature beret on top of his head, he’d be the white Blaine Edwards! Three snaps toward a bottle of Pepto-B, because Joey looks like he has the runs and is trying to hold in a butt plug at the same time (the butt plug is winning). LOVED-ED IT!
Hair plug maintenance, weekly body fur removal and anus tinting don’t pay for themselves, so flex your way to that money, bitch. Let the flames of jealousy shooting off of your haters’ eyes singe your stray brow hairs so they stay looking like they just stepped off of the face of a Disney evil queen. Twerk, werk, whoa!
![Hipsters [Heart] Muppets, and 5 Other Stories Youll Be Talking About Today](http://www.celebrities.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-o-matic/cache/6b4fb_muppets_soundtrack300.jpg "Hipsters [Heart] Muppets, and 5 Other Stories Youll Be Talking About Today")
Happy Tuesday! Also in today’s edition of The Broadsheet: Mickey Rourke and Kellan Lutz get disposable (again)… An Iranian actress faces 90 lashes for a foreign screen performance… Judge Dredd director on damage control… The Freddy Got Fingered renaissance continues… and more.
· From Frank Sinatra to OK Go, The Muppets have been a going concern for generations of pop-music movers and shakers. The soundtrack for the upcoming The Muppets will only reinforce that distinction for the 21st century, with Flight of the Conchords’ hero Bret McKenzie contributing four songs and other hipster hearthhrobs including Feist and Joanna Newsom making appearances as well. The Nov. 21 release will also reportedly feature covers of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and Cee Lo’s “Forget You,” because, you know, obviously. [Billboard via THR]
· Immortals co-stars Kellan Lutz and Mickey Rourke are setting up to reteam in Java Heat, which will feature them as hapless stepbrothers who inherit a drive-thru coffee kiosk/Mafia front from their late ganglord father (Armand Assante). Kidding! We can only wish it was about that. American cop (Lutz), mysterious terrorist (Rourke), Indonesia etc etc. Set your DVR for any Cinemax channel at 4 a.m. two years from today and you’re bound to record it. [Variety]
· Jesus Christ: “An Iranian actress has been sentenced to 90 lashes and a year in prison for appearing in an Australian film showing her not wearing a headscarf.”
[Kalameh.com via Deadline]
· Pete Travis wasn’t fired from Judge Dredd after all, says… Pete Travis: “From the outset we decided on an unorthodox collaboration to make the film,”…
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Carmen Sandiego is a dominatrix now - Celebitchy
Prince Pierced Dick and Prisoner Princess are still the perfect picture of authentic love – Lainey Gossip
Jennifer Aniston would be an amazing guest on Jerry Springer - The Superficial
This is what I want for my 100 birthday too – Towleroad
Coco’s nipples make an appearance on Twitter – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Naya Rivera leaves the pants at home for FHM – Hollywood Tuna
Charlize Theron as a man-stealing drunk? Yes, thank you! – The Daily What
Are we sure #5 isn’t really La Wildenstein? - The Berry
First Kellan Lutz covers his nipples for a magazine and now Taylor Lautner is doing the same for GQ? What world is this?!!! – Just Jared
Ever wanted to see a dude give the shocker with his eyes? – Popoholic
Mark this day in history, Suri Cruise is sort of wearing a jacket and Stepford Katie isn’t – Popsugar
Evan Rachel Wood does Bieber – ICYDK
Free Agents is dead – SOW
Kate Winslet isn’t even trying to learn about the species known as Snooki – Celebslam
RiRi is real people – Cityrag
Lady CaCa takes her doily pasties for a walk in London - Hollywood Rag
Ashley Greene and the Broadway Spider-Man are a thing now – I’m Not Obsessed
AssStain Kutcher made douche stew with a bunch of skanks, Demi Moore is back on the bottle and I’m still waiting for the part where Bruce Willis goes Die Hard on Ashton’s ass – The Superficial
Shakira and Elephant Dick didn’t break up - Lainey Gossip
NOT FRIENDLEEEEEEEEEEEEES – The Daily What
But more importantly, how is the new Charlie’s Angels still on TV? – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
When Terry Richardson and Lindsay Lohan get together, a new strain of the herp is born – Hollywood Tuna
Dogs hate painted horses. Fact. – Towleroad
Ian Somerhalder is giving me “Ted Casablanca in Valley of the Dolls” fever in Flaunt Magazine – Celebitchy
Tell me Ewan McGregor had Sun-In in his hair at the Perfect Sense premiere – Just Jared
Your dream of Rebecca Black singing the new Bond theme song has been killed – ICYDK
Did Glamour use the stretch tool on Amanda Syfried’s legs or is she naturally 95% legs – Popoholic
Kellan Lutz keeps his nipples covered for Nylon Guys – The Berry
Penn Badgley picking the hairs out of Zoe Kravitz’s nose with his mouth on a street corner in NYC. That’s obviously what’s going on here. – Popsugar
Julianne Hough’s Blake Lively impersonation gets a NO from me – Hollywood Rag
Gwen Stefani and Mufasa obviously share the same weave stylist - I’m Not Obsessed
3 cent skank whore slut in a $300,000 car – Celebslam
My guess is Ronnie Wood in a wig? – Cityrag
As soon as your eyes finish salivating from staring at Jodie Marsh’s Helen Grace chocolate egg titties, give her the clap (Not THAT clap! She already has that one. The other clap. The one you give her with your hands. Oh! You know what my ass means!) for leaving her first bodybuilding competition triumphant. 16 months ago the most beautiful woman in the world, who has been everything from a ten-second lesbian to a tattoo artiste, started training with Tim Sharp to become a bodybuilding goddess superstar and here she is at her first competition looking as glisteningly gorgeous as a hard shit out of a snake’s ass in the Garden of Eden.
Jodie came in first second third fourth fifth place in the beauties of the septic tank division and tells The Sun that she owes it all to intense training and trading her usual diet of champagne and cum balls for egg whites and whole wheat toast.
“This is the best I’ve ever felt — and the best my body’s ever felt. In 50 days I have gone from 25 per cent body fat to ten per cent, gained 8lb of muscle and lost 20lb of fat.”
Of course, Jodie’s road to getting a body like Kellan Lutz’s nipple was shot for a reality show that
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Full Story »If you’ve been writing twisted Twilight fan fiction in which Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) and Emmett Cullen (Kellan Lutz) make out in a prep school library, you’re in luck. While Greene and Lutz don’t make the incestuous connection in Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (that we know of), they do lock lips as new, unrelated characters in the upcoming drama A Warrior’s Heart.
Judging by the above video, A Warrior’s Heart is going to look like a Warblers music sequence on Glee meets any CW show ever. Lutz stars as Conor Sullivan, a hot-headed star lacrosse player who starts acting out after his father’s death. According to the ingenius plot summary on IMDB, “a wilderness Lacrosse camp under the tutelage of his dad’s old combat buddy, Sgt. Major Duke Wayne, opens Conor’s eyes to the true meaning of maturity, sportsmanship and manhood.” (IMDB had me at “a wilderness Lacrosse camp under the tutelage of his dad’s old combat buddy, Sgt. Major Duke Wayne.”)
A Warrior’s Heart, from director Michael F. Sears, will premiere in the U.S. on Dec. 2. The family drama co-stars Ashley Greene and Chord Overstreet.
[via Team-Twilight.com]
Full Story »Ryan Gosling may be a real street fight-stopping hero in man capris and the vulnerable getaway driver next door in this week’s Drive, but a keen-eyed Movieline reader in Toronto sent in evidence of the one thing hotter than the Goss. No, not those Scarlett Johansson pics. Something even sweeter! Feast your eyes upon this discovery and stay for more in today’s Buzz Break!
• Cinematic Method present possibly the worst-conceived movie joke ever from a scene between Mandy Moore and Kellan Lutz in the Dermot Mulroney-directed, Love, Wedding, Marriage. [Cinematic Method via @EricDSnider]
• Who ya gonna call when Ghostbusters gets a theatrical re-release this October? (And will enough fans go to convince Bill Murray to finally read that Ghostbusters 3 script?) [Facebook]
• Booze, booze, fried chicken, more booze. Dine like Liz Taylor, circa 1960! [It’s All About the Dress via Village Voice]
• Fascinated by the near-incoherent action cutting in the chase scene from The Dark Knight? Jim Emerson takes a look at Chris Nolan’s chaotic techniques in a well-studied, semi-academic video essay on the crazyballs sequence. [Press Play]
In the Cut, Part I: Shots in the Dark (Knight) from Jim Emerson on Vimeo.
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Pamela Anderson’s face is like a freshly bloomed lily floating on a pond of spring rain – Celebitchy
Kellan Lutz thanks God for making him Kellan Lutz – Lainey Gossip
Christopher Nolan proves to us that there’s nothing more menacing than a spiked leather jock strap on the face – The Superficial
Morrissey clarifies on why he’s a douchebag cuntatarian – Towleroad
What in Age of Aquarius hell is Vanessa Hudgens wearing? – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Caprice is melting – Hollywood Tuna
The most disappointing part of this SNAKES ON A CAR video is that the snake didn’t slither in and eat every single one of those screaming dramatic bitches – The Daily What
Turtle shed some fat, still has constipated face – The Berry
Julianne Hough and that girl from High School Musical who isn’t Zac Efron in bikinis – Popoholic
Jennifer Aniston and her private bell boy piece are in Hawaii – Popsugar
Straight from the pages of NAMBLAboy – Just Jared
Pink in red – ICYDK
Pussy vs. mirror – OMG Blog
And now I feel like I don’t have to watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Videogum
Charbroiled douche on a boat – Moe Jackson
Brat ass babies have too much time on their tiny hands these days - I’m Not Obsessed
Spider-Dog – Cityrag
The Glee guys just got gayer – SOW
MiserAlba’s 1991 prom hair isn’t the look – Hollywood Rag
