Sadly for us, Kim Kartrashian wasn’t in kourt today to answer to her krimes against humanity. Kim was in court for a hearing in her never-ending divorce battle against Encino Man’s slower younger brother Kris Humphries. Kim and Kris were supposed to meet plastic face-to-caveman face today, but he got a severe case of the Lindsay Lohans and didn’t show up.
TMZ says that Kris was stuck in New York for some reason (SPOILER ALERT: He forgot how to operate a door knob and just stayed in his apartment and stared at the door until someone came for him), so he never got on a plane to L.A. The judge wasn’t happy about it and TMZ says he ripped Kris a new asshole (“Been there and Ray J’s boomerang dick is to blame.” – Kim). The judge set a new pre-trial hearing date for April 19th and he might throw a few fines at Kris for being late.
Radar has a totally different story. They say that Kris wasn’t in court today, because his team the Brooklyn Nets are playing the Indiana Pacers in Indianapolis and he was already excused. Radar also says that the trial will begin on May 6th and the court hasn’t decided if cameras are allowed or not.
I hope there’s going to be a sea of cameras in the court room. I really need to see smoke rise from Kris
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If you read that as “America’s Sweetfarts,” that works too!
Anderson Cooper’s talk show ends in just a few months, but he should take a bow early, because he will never get a more important or famous guest than the guest he had on Friday’s show: Grumpy Cat (born name: Tardar Sauce)! Grumpy Cat, who is looking more and more like my abuelita at every children’s birthday party she went to, finally made a thousand dreams come true by meeting The Silver Fox. Anderson tried to put on his best grumpy pussy face while posing with Tardar Sauce and well, he shouldn’t quit his job to become a Grumpy Cat impersonator anytime soon. He tried, but he looks more like Constipated Fox than Grumpy Cat. He kind of looks like the soft part of his sugar walls got poked hard by a peen and he’s not sure if he’s into it.
With all that being said, I’m still going to print out this picture, throw a veil on it and marry it in a quickie wedding at the courthouse. I don’t know for sure if human-paper marriage is legal in California or not, but Kris Humphries did marry a water damaged piece of cardboard here, so I’m guessing it is.
And here’s Grumpy Cat not giving three fucks while hanging out with The Silver Fox.
via Instagram (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)
Zsa Zsa Gabor (96)
Dane DeHaan (26)
Kris Humphries (28)
Alice Eve (31)
Calum Best (32)
Kim Zmeskal (37)
Rick Astley (47)
Axl Rose (51)
Robert Townsend (56)
Kathy Najimy (56)
Natalie Cole (63)
Jim Sheridan (64)
Fabian (70)
Tom Brokaw (73)
Rip Torn (82)
Mamie Van Doren (82)
While I pulled some Freaky Friday shit and took over Kathy Griffin’s body to try to give a faux beej to The Silver Fox, this photoboming dude in the middle of Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian acted on behalf of humanity by throwing a “Are you there God? It’s me, the face of humanity. For why did you allow this to happen?!” look of desperation at 1OAK’s New Year’s Eve party in Las Vegas on Monday night. Meanwhile, Kim is cackling up at the heavens, because she knows that in a few months she’s going to butt birth out the chosen spawn of Lucifer and there’s nothing God can do about it. I hope God gets the last laugh when Kim gives birth to a drooling cave baby that looks just like Kris Humphries.
While looking like thirty pounds of rotten smoked gouda wrapped in one of Cher’s old costumes, Kim continued her reign as Pimp Mama Kris’ most prized pig by hosting 1OAK’s New Year’s Eve party for a check. Kanye also showed up to the party, because he wanted to flash his smuggest smug face since his gay sperm fish has been where literally a billion different kinds of sperm fishes have been before (read: her baby making areas) and has done what none of them were
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Full Story »There will be Tiger Blood! Dimension Films has released the first official still from Scary Movie 5 and — yikes! — it has me cowering behind my fingers. I can’t stop thinking about the hell spawn that would be unleashed on this world if Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan actually hooked up and she got pregnant. The image also makes me think that if this movie does successfully re-boot the franchise and leads to a Scary Movie 6, the producers will attempt to top themselves by reuniting Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries in a sex scene. Or maybe Humphries can don the white mask and dispatch Kanye West while he’s canoodling with Kim. (Unnh, I just threw up in my mouth.) The movie, which is due out in 2013, also stars Ashley Tisdale, Heather Locklear and, the reason I’m going to see it: the very funny Craig Bierko.
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