In the wake of the Kristen Stewart cheating bomb that dropped today, at least one PR pro thinks Stewart’s subsequent apology stinks of forced reparations. Meanwhile, gossip maven Lainey Lui zeroes in on the repercussions of the Twilight star issuing such a perplexingly earnest-sounding mea culpa after years of fiercely protecting her private life from outside eyes: “Kristen Stewart has been neutered. She’s officially owned now. She belongs to them. And she belongs to us.”
Continued, from Lainey Gossip: “You don’t want to answer questions about your private life? But you just gave me every reason to ask about your private life because you told ME how sorry you are, sobbing through your words, that you may have ruined your love. One day you’re diving into the dumpster avoiding photographers when I want to see a picture of you holding hands with your boyfriend, the next day you’re begging me to understand that you made a bad judgement call, essentially pleading for my forgiveness. Who turns down power when it’s presented to them? Certainly not me. Certainly not us.”
Lainey’s been covering the Twilight beat within the larger celebrity world for years now, and she’s always come across as one of the realest-talking gossip fixtures in the biz. Here she nails Stewart’s PR predicament precisely on its head: In a nutshell, one of Hollywood’s most hounded celebrities has uncharacteristically and without prompting pulled back the curtains on her private life — and how — and judging by how her People exclusive apology reads it seems like she was thinking about as strategically as a plaintive, emotional teenager, not the megastar who just months ago swore she didn’t care about those who “want to…
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Charlize Theron is wearing a dress that looks like a peen sheath made from the night sky. In other words, I’m into it – ICYDK
Lainey’s take on the Zhang Ziyi prostitution whore scandal has turned my #getmoneybitch reaction into a #sneakoutofthereandtakeyourwholefamilywithoubitch reaction – Lainey Gossip
Sofia Vergara knows that a true Latina style icon always matches her lipstick to her purse – Hollywood Tuna
One Million Moms needs to eat one million dicks – Towleroad
UPDATE: Afrojack and Wonky McValtrex are still bumping herp sores – Celebitchy
The City of Los Angeles should just pass a law making it illegal for amphibians to be naked in public, because when Courtney Stodden finally turns 18 in iguana years she’s just going to be all naked all the time – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Since Spring Breakers basically looks like an episode of Cops, I really hope there’s a cameo by Stephanie Yellowhair – IDLYITW
I’m mad that Bruce Jenner didn’t wear his bikini too – The Superficial
Emma Watson looks like a miniature Posh and Posh already looks like a miniature Posh – The Berry
Leave Mila Kunis’ tiny extra chunk aloooooone – Popoholic
Translation: Laura Weisberger needs a check – OMG Blog
It’s Thor’s baby! – Popsugar
Something you
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Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling have been putting the bang and cock in Bangkok for the past six weeks while he’s shooting Only God Forgives and the picture above of them having a staring eye contest in a bar was taken only last week. (Note: Scientists have proven that if you have a staring eye contest with Ryan, you will automatically win, because you’ll get so lost in the orgasm globe he calls eyes that you’ll forget to blink.) But over the weekend, The Daily Mail said that Ryan and Eva did the Out of this World finger freeze on their relationship and he flew to South Africa to think. The news that Ryan Gosling is back on the market made hos freak out and caused a snapping vagina frenzy. But tell your pussy to calm itself, because both Lainey Gossip and USWeekly say that Eva and Ryan are still licking sweet chili sauce off of each other’s nipples.
A witness told The Daily Mail that Ryan was spotted on a romantic dinner date in Cape Town with some blonde German model last week. Lainey says this is impossible since Ryan was in Bangkok every day last week.
I know, it’s hard to believe that the literary journal of all
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I guess if you’re going to cheat, you’re going to cheat. It doesn’t have to be after a year, it can be much less. And you don’t have to wait for 5 either. Also, at that age, is it realistic to expect something to last forever? I suppose you don’t know that until you know it. And by then it’s too late.
She’s more famous. And he’s, well, he’s ok at what he does, but he’s certainly not great at it although when it comes to actual talent, I’m not so sure she has much of it either, and definitely not with the last project she pimped. Still, there’s no question that she’s the B+ in this relationship, and he’s the solid D+, which is VERY generous. In another league maybe we’d consider him a C-. A C at most. He’d never be one to wear that on his sweater though.
Anyway he cheated on her. At least once. With some kind of no name, but well connected enough, and the sort of girl who gets off on hooking up with married men, and if the married man has a celebrity wife…well, even better.
The wife, so far, is happily oblivious. So far. But those kinds of girls, they love to step down on other girls. And they love when other people know about it. Not sure how long he’ll be able to keep this contained. (
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Don’t mind George Clooney, he’s just snorting up her dandruff – Lainey Gossip
Motorboat Me Elmo - The Superficial
Raggedy Ann’s long-lost ads for control top Leggs – Hollywood Tuna
This is what it’s come to: the “cleaning the pool” photo op (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
Kirstie Alley lost 50lbs of fat Thetans from her body thanks to a diet called Photoshop – Celebitchy
This teacher knows how to do it – The Chive
Snooki’s family does everything together, including getting a massage – OMG Blog
The broken condom baby of Heidi and a Keebler elf – Popoholic
A giant cunt in a sea of gays – Towleroad
It took me a few blinks to realize this is not Detective La Toya - Just Jared
Kim Kardassian already can’t feel her face, now she can’t feel her nipples thanks to that tighter than tight dress – Egotastic!
Zahara’s “You’re not getting my good angle” side-eye – Popsugar
Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey stopped having fun – I’m Not Obsessed
But where’s the Backinup Backinup Lady costume? – Buzzfeed
Roxy Baby should’ve tucked before the fight – Holy Moly!
Beyonce fucked my wallet and all I got was these House of Derriere tattoos – ICYDK
Rachel Bilson pulls the “Ooops, I dropped my purse” move – Hollywood Rag
Why is JLo posing with two plastic cats? – Cityrag
The owner of Segway dies after falling over a cliff…while riding a Segway – TDW
These vintage Jared Leto pictures have reached a whole new level of preciousness – ONTD
Joaquin Phoenix and Leonardo DiCaprio as down low lovers would’ve been so much hotter 10 years ago – Lainey Gossip
MELOPAUSE, it’s a real thing (not really) – The Superficial
Chanel’s classiest ad yet (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
Are these stills from the sequel to Hocus Pocus? – The Berry
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, an anti-gay megachurch pastor walks into a peen…. – Towleroad
Blohan keeps on…keeps on – Hollywood Tuna
Good news for professional athletes who don’t it mind when their dick smells like bronzer all the time – Celebslam
50 Cent has a lot of time on his hands – Celebitchy
Baby Sparrow Madden should know that the curly rat tail is supposed to be worn in the back of the head, not the front – Popsugar
What is AnnaLynne McCord showing off exactly? – Popoholic
Khloe Kardashian isn’t pregnant! That’s just wart hog bloat. Every Sasquatch gets it. – ICYDK
Tommy Girl in Prague – Just Jared
Everyone’s (almost) nekkid in Machete – Egotastic!
Jamie Foxx’s drunkface looks exactly like his Wandasgottasneezeface – Cityrag
Nightmares – OMG Blog
Kylie Minogue’s got face – Hollywood Rag
Brit Brit’s weave or overcooked spaghetti noodles? – I’m Not Obsessed
George Clooney or a skinny Jack Nicholson? – Popsugar
Sandra Bullock to talk to GLIB on Tuesday morning – Lainey Gossip
Miley Cyrus’ “deep love” with Liam Hemsworth obviously wasn’t deep enough. That didn’t sound right. – Just Jared
Christina Hendricks’ chichis do make you feel like you’re being carried away on a cloud of heavenly air, so it makes sense that she’s the new face of London Fog - The Superficial
A two-piece: Olivia Wilde is in one - Egotastic!
Celestia just smelled a fart (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
Let’s all be honest here, Crispy Ronaldo would look better in those lace panties – Hollywood Tuna
Madgie Dearest shows Baby Jesus the correct way to scrub the dirt out – Towleroad
Add another armadillo to the shopping cart BBQ, because there’s going to be two Spears weddings – Celebitchy
Circle the fat people – The Berry
Hilary Duff’s double stuffed diamond ring doesn’t have nearly enough karats in it – Popoholic
Sugar Pie better get her own aria in this mess – OMG Blog
Timbaland did not try to off himself – I’m Not Obsessed
And then she fucked it – Moe Jackson
Kat Stacks screws Soulja Boy in more ways than one – Crunk + Disorderly
Hovering camel toe alert – Cityrag
St. Angie to write and direct a Bosnian war romance – ICYDK
Here’s hoping George Lucas calls Yoda to the stand as a character witness - Hollywood Rag
Oh, Reg Traviss just wants Wino to stick her head out of her window and scream, “REEEEEEEEEEEG!” – Holy Moly!
RPattz just isn’t the same without hair that looks like it’s trying to kiss a rainbow with its tips – ICYDK
Michael Cera as Captain America - Lainey Gossip
R.I.P. Maury Chaykin – Washington Post
There has to be an “Oliver Stone and Mel Gibson walk into temple together…” joke somewhere in here – The Superficial
What in the name of Poison Ivy’s hooker cousin is Katy Perry wearing? – Hollywood Tuna
The Kardashian Factory pushes yet another out onto the ho stroll – Egotastic!
American Idol’s Ian Benardo is still a mess that not even Kevin Costner can clean up – Towleroad
Diddy’s butt plug polisher performing in St. Tropez (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
I wonder what Whoopi Goldberg has to say about this – Celebitchy
Skull cake! I don’t know whether I want to throw a vat of holy water at it or make out with it – The Chive
Adriana Lima’s sexyface looks more like a someonejustcutoneface – Popoholic
Ke$ha must get all her manufactured quotes from Skynyrd groupies - Just Jared
Guy Ritchie enjoys a life sans Vadge – Popsugar
Nasty Nastia at Planet Hollywood! – Moe Jackson
When I first saw the picture on the left I thought to myself, “What kind of foolery is Miss Jay up to now?!” – Necole Bitchie
IN THIS ECONOMY, ScarJo is trying to save money by cutting her own hair with her feet – SOW
In related news, the City of New York just announced that the Stock Exchange will be closed for the rest of the week so it can be properly fumigated – I’m Not Obsessed
Follow Justin Timberlake’s nose job – Cityrag
I hope Enrique Iglesias’ peen smiled for the camera – Towleroad
This romper is not doing good things for Jessica Simpson’s fupa – Lainey Gossip
The Swedish Shauna Sand is living the gold digging dream – Hollywood Tuna
Ick. Nast. bought to you by Wonky’s chonies – Egotastic!
Like two manatees fighting over the last t-shirt to wear to the Grateful Dead concert – The Superficial
The Salt premiere really brought out the A-list superstars (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
My veins feel so inadequate – The Chive
Alien Princess RiRi got into a wrestling match with a trash bag and lost – Just Jared
David Duchovny’s nipples! That is all for today. – Popsugar
Mila Kunis thinking to herself: “Justin looked so much hotter with corn rows and a denim suit” – Popoholic
Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz’ shot gun wedding will begin in 3…2.. – Celebitchy
That is not a bubble bottle necklace around Ashlee Simpson’s neck. Yes it is. – ICYDK
Yesterday, I wrote about how the afro I tried to grow in jr. high school turned out to be a massive tragedy. Well, here’s a visual - I’m Not Obsessed
Blame Anne Geddes - OMG Blog
Erica Chevillar’s side boob is pretty much a full boob – Hollywood Rag
I see that Megan Fox still has that glowing orange fake tan from her honeymoon – Moe Jackson
Eric Dane’s battles of the bulging nip and bulging veins – Popbytes
Please tell me Chanelle gave her baby a chav-worthy name – Holy Moly!
Celebrity or prostitution whore? – Cityrag
The Smith family looking like members of Parliament Funkadelic – Lainey Gossip
Pleeeease tell me OctoSana’s dentist is Jewish – The Superficial
Meanwhile, Sara Larson is also wearing a thong while dancing during her day shift at a strip club in the valley somewhere – Hollywood Tuna
Good to know: Jennifer Garner has a butt crack - Egotastic!
Ew. (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
And Johnny Weir will play Rizzo, of course – Towleroad
Miranda Kerr loves big diamonds in her ass – Popoholic
A gold digger’s job is never done – Celebitchy
Zac Efron is so butch – Just Jared
A zillion pictures from the BET Awards - Necole Bitchie
Jennifer Capriati overdosed – ICYDK
Peter Lemongello is coming – Cityrag
Jessica Simpson needs to get cupping on her brains – I’m Not Obsessed
Emma Watson and her new boyfriend – Hollywood Rag
This is offensive to Steven Tyler - Holy Moly!
The Slut Dress’ third cousin, twice removed at the Frederick’s outlet – SOW
