Yes, the Miss Universe pageant is racist toward other planets, but I still watched all 2 hours of it last night, because one of my favorite pastimes is getting drunk while watching beauty pageant queens trip. I counted two beauty queen trips, but surprisingly, that wasn’t the highlight of the night. That title goes to Miss Venezuela who killed the shit out of the Q&A part of the competition. Along with Miss USA (the boring winner), Miss Philippines, Miss Australia and Miss Brazil, Irene Sofia Esser Quintero made the top 5 and had to answer a question from one of the judges.
Miss Venezuela’s intergalactic Christmas dress should’ve gotten her extra points and the way she sensually grabbed a question out of the glass bowl should’ve made the other queens exit stage right. But Miss Venezuela really cinched the title as the queen of my heart when this happened:
Diego Boneta: If you could make a new law, what would it be and explain why.
(The Spanish translator translated the question to Miss Venezuela and then she tried to answer it herself in English.)
Miss Venezuela: I think that any lazar in constitution are all ready made I think that we should have a straight way to go in our similar or our lives for example I’m a SURFER and the best way I can take is the wave I wait for it…. So, please? Do our only law that we can do. THANK YOU, VEGAS!
Bitch speaks English better than I
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Full Story »Oh, what a coincidence! Here comes the trailer for Tom Cruise’s Jack Reacher (formerly One Shot), the action film based on a novel by Lee Child that stars the soon-to-be-divorcé as an ex-army cop who apparently drives around town in muscle cars getting into fights. The kind of angry, controlled rage-machine who gets into brawls, specializes in strategically breaking bones, asks questions later, etc. The badass clothing doesn’t quite fit on Cruise, but you know. He’s Tom Cruise.
Plot is incidental to this first tease of a trailer, which sets up the eponymous loner-hero in mythic terms. “There’s this guy,” bandaged beaten up hospital guy says. “He doesn’t care about proof. He doesn’t care about the law. He only cares about what’s right.”
Then comes that reedy Cruise voice to ruin it all: “You think I’m a hero? I am not a hero. And if you’re smart, that scares you.” Well, I guess I’m not smart. Because, yeah. Yawn.
I’m not one of those folks hung up on how wrong Cruise is for the role, physically speaking, though Reacher’s dimensions (posted helpfully at Child’s website) do make you wonder which actors out there might have fit the bill a little better:
Measurements: 6′5″, 220-250 lbs., 50″ chest
Hair: Dirty-blond
Eyes: Ice blue
Clothing: 3XLT coat, 95 cm. pants’ inseam
It’s not even that Cruise isn’t the physical ideal for Reacher. The wandering ex-military bruiser with no regard for the law doesn’t really sit well on him. But we shall see; with writer-director Christopher McQuarrie (The Usual Suspects, The Way of the Gun) behind the camera, Josh Olson (A History of Violence) on scripting duties, and Werner Herzog playing baddie,…
Full Story »Good news, Pauly Shore fans! Hot on the heels of his recent appearance in last fall’s Bucky Larson: Born to Be A Star, the Weasel himself is heading back to the spotlight with a new feature comedy about a Jersey Shore-style guido wrongly accused of murder who’s forced to hide out in the country, where he develops a knack for bootlegging moonshine. It’s called — simply, poetically — Whiskey Business. What’s that? Tell you MORE??
Developed by CMT and airing March 25 on the cable network, Whiskey Business sees Shore pile on the fake tanner and douchebag airs as “Nicky, (Pauly Shore), the son of New Jersey’s most powerful crime boss. Nicky is supposed to follow in his father’s footsteps, but he’d much rather DJ and mix cocktails at a local club.” Who wouldn’t?
“When Nicky is framed for murder he didn’t commit, he goes on the run to escape the law and ends up in a small Tennessee town where he sticks out like a sore thumb. Nicky brings some Jersey Shore to the Deep South and is treated with Southern Hospitality and is befriended by a cast of characters, including country cougar Trina (Tanya Tucker). At first Nicky is as suspicious of the townspeople’s moonshine as they are of his fake tan, but he soon bonds with the residents to take down Gilly (John Schneider), the town’s corrupt sheriff.”
I know what you’re thinking: How have we survived this long as a people without a movie called Whiskey Business, let alone the historical meeting of the MTV-spawned Pauly and Jersey Shores? (Fun fact: There is one movie listed on IMDb about wacky pet shenanigans called Frisky Business and another involving naughty bondage, but no other Whiskey Business…
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At the beginning of last season’s The Real Housewhiners of New York, Jill Zarin nearly OY VEY-ed herself into a puddle of neurotic frustration when both Ramona and Alex showed up to a wedding wearing shades of cream. According to Jill, the wedding etiquette she pulled out of her own ass states that guests should never ever EVER ever wear anything in the white family. It is forbidden by law or some shit. (Question for Jill: But I’ve been to some weddings where the bride wore jorts, flip flops and an “I’m Marrying Stupid” t-shirt. Does this mean I can’t wear jorts and flip flops too? Does this mean I can wear a white wedding gown and veil? Please advise.)
Well, guess who broke the law according to Jill Zarin when she showed up to the wedding of Prince Willy and Hot Ginge’s cousin in head-to-toe cream? Okay, it’s more like the color of leche con a drop of cafe (or like the color of a post-butt sex condom), but still!
Not only did Kate steal all of the attention away from Zara Phillips by wearing an embroidered corn tortilla coat, but not one guest at the wedding could concentrate on the ceremony. They were all too busy trying to fight the craving for thin crust pizza dough, a round tamale and a poorly made Awesome Blossom while staring at the mess on Kate’s
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