In “Lindsay Lohan Needs To Switch From Coke To The Good Shit So She Can Calm The Hell Down” news, Lindsay Lohan is farting all over the producers of Scary Movie 5 for lying and tricking her ass. Yes, LiLo tricks hos on a daily basis (cut to the IRS cursing her name after finding out that the $200,000 she sent them to pay for her overdue tax bill is actually counterfeit money printed at Kinko’s) and everything that leaps off of her tongue is a certified lie, but if anybody tricks or lies to her there will be hell to pay. And yes by “hell to pay,” I mean White Oprah is going to break into their house and swallow their medicine cabinet whole after selling their children to a “modeling agency” in Korea.
TMZ says that LiLo is mad at the producers, because in the script, she lets out a horrified scream at a TV showing a scene from Herbie: Fully Loaded. But in the trailer that came out on Friday, LiLo screams at a TV showing her sashaying into the court room after her probation is revoked. LiLo is all mad, because the producers never cleared that joke with her first and she thinks they’re just getting back at her ass, because she trashed her trailer and broke the toilet by caca-ing out the coke balloons she forgot she shoved up her butt during a quickie trip to Mexico a few months before.
So
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Since Charlie Sheen has a such a giving heart and is always happy to bail out a fellow coke whore, he gave Lindsay Lohan $100,000 as a gift a couple of weeks ago. Charlie said that the $100,000 was for a “project” (read: a rim job since not even School Teacher from Hookers at the Point would tongue tickle Charlie’s b-hole for $100,000) and then he whined to the media about she never gave him a thank you of any kind. Lindsay Lohan ungrateful and rude?! NEVAH!
TMZ says that after Charlie Sheen called Lindsay Lohan out for being a rude bitch, she sent him a bouquet of flowers and a thank you card. Some source says that LiLo didn’t thank Charlie for contributing to the vodka industry by giving her $100k, because her phone broke and she lost all of her contacts including his number. Yes, Lindsay Lohan could’ve stuffed a rolled thank you note in the cooch of a random L.A. call girl and it would’ve gotten to Charlie Sheen in under 24 hours. But since her brain is a cocaine breast implant, she didn’t think of that and came up with another amazing excuse that will go in her upcoming book: Lindsay Lohan’s Book Of Excuses NOT TO USE If You Want Your Excuse To Sound Somewhat
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Lindsay Lohan has taken her stalking game international by following The Wanted to the UK, so she wasn’t in court in Los Angeles today when a new judge she hasn’t met, Commissioner Jane Godfrey, snatched probation away from her. LiLo is still on probation for stealing that necklace and it was revoked because she was officially charged for lying to the cops after she crashed her Porsche into an 18-wheeler on PCH. A hearing has been calendared in for January 13, 2013 and on that day, Judge Godfrey could throw LiLo in jail for 245 days for violating probation. Bitch should want to go to jail for 245 days, because you don’t have to pay rent in there!
TMZ says that prosecutors think LiLo has had one million and four chances to stop fucking up and they should finally lock her up in a cell and stick the key up White Oprah’s culito. But apparently, Judge Godfrey doesn’t love sending messes to jail. Judge Godfrey presides over Drug Court and Homeless Court and she’s known for sending people to therapy and rehab instead of jail. Judge Godfrey even has a special graduation ceremony for people who complete their therapy program and she uses her own money to buy them a Starbucks card for a graduation gift.
If LiLo is sent to jail, which she won’t be, she’ll be released due
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Just like every part of Lindsay Lohan’s life, her latest smack down saga just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Tiffany Mitchell, the chick who had to get a tetanus shot after Lindsay Lohan knuckled her in the face, tells TMZ that they didn’t fight over Max from The Wanted, they fought over a psychic reading and a slur. I should’ve known that sooner or later this wreck of a story was going to give me an opportunity to make a God Warrior reference. SLYCICS!
Tiffany is supposedly a “prominent” palm reader and aura analyst who owns a few psychic salons in Florida. I should’ve known that sooner or later this wreck of a story would feature a cameo appearance by Florida. Tiffany says that when she saw Lindsay Lohan at Avenue early this morning, she instantly had a premonition. Tiffany’s premonition must’ve been that she was going to get a whole lot of media attention and free publicity after getting punched by a Lohan. Tiffany asked LiLo if she could give her a free physic reading and LiLo shouted at her, “Give me my space.” As Tiffany and her friend walked away, her friend heard LiLo call her a “fucking Gypsy.” The friend came at LiLo, called her
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In 2000, The Wonderful World of Disney aired a doll movie that was more terrifying than Talking Tina and Child’s Play combined and that doll movie was called Life-Size. In Life-Size, a young faced Lindsay Lohan plays a girl who uses magic to try to bring her mother back from the dead, but ends up giving life to the plastic doll her dad’s new piece gave her. It was Mannequin for little girls and gay boys, and it was the greatest thing both Tyra Banks and Lindsay Lohan have ever done.
Ty Ty knows Life-Size is the best thing she’s contributed to the world, because she’s coming back for more. Entertainment Weekly says that Ty Ty will executive produce and star in a sequel for the Disney Channel.
No word yet if Life-Size 2 will star Elizabeth Taylor’s #1 enemy Lindsay Lohan, but it better. How can you do a sequel to Life-Size without LiLo? My guess is that LiLo’s character grew up to become a major mess and was reunited with her Eve doll after breaking into her dad’s storage unit to look for stuff to sell for drug money. Then LiLo’s character realizes that the Eve doll was discontinued years ago and is probably worth a lot. So she trades her Eve doll in for a bump. What I’m saying is that I really hope Life-Size 2 takes place in a crack house.
And it better have a full-length version of this masterpiece in it:
No, this is not a picture of international supermodel Phoebe Price declaring war on Gotham City after falling in a vat of toxic waste. This is freckled coke booger Lindsay Lohan flexing her 8-ball cheeks at the Hollywood premiere of the comedy event of the year Liz & Dick. Yes, they have premieres for Lifetime shit shows and no, the premiere wasn’t held at a $3 movie theater in Simi Valley, CA and the after-party wasn’t held in the back room of a discount strip club that’s known for its world-class potato bar. The Liz & Dick premiere was held at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Bitch is moving up!
Wearing a stole made from the living room carpet at her favorite local crack house and a Windsor Fashions gown the slutty girl in your high school (aka you) wore to prom in the mid-90s, the Meryl Streep of basic cable posed for something other than a mug shot for once. Leave it to LiLo to teach us that no $8.99 stripper dress from the Flirt Catalog can be labeled as a work of elegance unless it has a whory hole cutout for your belly button. You can hiss at LiLo’s nails all you want, but “dirty crack pipe water” will be the nail polish shade of the season. Looking like the trophy girl at the AVNs is the look.
And
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Barbara Walters’ arch rival Lindsay Lohan is continuing to pimp out Liz & Dick and last night she did so (sort of) on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Proving that she’s way more tolerable when she doesn’t speak, LiLo performed in Jimmy’s “Let Us Play With Your Look” skit while looking like Janine from Ghostbusters after moving to the Village of the Damned. LiLo really has come a long way, because I can’t believe she’s got that much white stuff on her hands and she’s not trying to snort, smoke or lick it. Bitch is practically brand new.
Speaking of brand new, I need brand new ear drums after mine got hit and over and over again with the high-pitched shaky musical notes shooting out of Jimmy Fallon’s yodel hole. Jimmy is attacking my ears and he’s stealing Peter Pan Dude’s signature look while doing so. This entire skit is what scientists see when they look at two of LiLo’s corroded coke boogers under a microscope.
In other Blohan news, Larry Thompson, the executive producer of Liz & Dick, talked to reporters about what it was like to work with the freckled terror of Hollywood.
“We had serious challenges to deal with due to her probation and her history. Therefore we had to make a deal where there were pages and pages of ‘what if’ clauses. There never was a ‘what if
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With a TMZ cameraman and a reporter from Radar at his side, Michael Lohan tried and failed to get Lindsay Lohan into rehab on Friday. One of TMZ’s sources (fun fact: “One of TMZ’s sources” is Latin for Michael Lohan) says that LiLo’s entire team including her manager and lawyers want her to dry up in rehab, because she’s eating Adderall faster than a Kardashian’s pussy eats black dick and she’s drinking a bottle and a half of vodka every day (“What’s wrong with that?” says you as you open a second bottle of Popov at 8:30 in the morning). I know, a bottle and A HALF? What kind of self-respecting alcoholic doesn’t finish all of the second bottle? For shame.
Michael has e-mails proving that LiLo’s manager, entertainment lawyer and criminal defense lawyer Shawn Holley were all in on the intervention that didn’t happen. But since that intervention didn’t happen, Michael is moving on to Plan B. I wish what I meant by that was that Michael Lohan plans to shove a bunch of Plan B pills up into his peen hole so he can never procreate again since he has no business being anybody’s father, but that’s not what I mean. Michael tells TMZ that he’s going to go to the court this week and ask for them to force LiLo into a conservatorship. Even Michael
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As we all saw on the anti-drug PSA episode of Dr. Phil, White Oprah is not only the epitome of a responsible mother, but she’s also a role model to all young women and she knows this which is why she’d never EVER party with her own daughter. The NYDN went from Long Island bar to Long Island bar and eventually they found White Oprah slumped under a pay phone while yelling at the cord dangling in front of her for calling her a bad mother. They waved half of a Xanax at her face, which made her slur out, “Half a Xanax? That’ll get you one handy with a spit job. Drop ‘em.” When the NYDN told her they wanted to ask her a few questions instead, she agreed! It’s nice to know that wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, White Oprah is probably spitting out the opposite of the truth to some reporter.
On if she’s true that she boozed it up with her daughter on her birthday: “My 80-year-old mother was there, and she’s Italian-American, and to be able to have a glass of red wine there for her is normal for our family. “Some people who want to quit drinking do it cold turkey and some do it gradually — you want to keep a balance. I don’t know
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If you hid under tables at restaurants to snatch designer bags off the floor from unsuspecting hos, never returned the laptop you “borrowed” from Chateau Marmont and faked walking pneumonia so the studio that was dumb enough to hire you puts you on a private jet, you too could have a janky Birkin bag, a janky laptop and sit in janky jet (with dirty, cum-stained and dried vomit covered seats) like Lindsay Lohan!
LiLo tweeted this tweet of inspiration today and I know it has moved a bowel movement out of you. So the next time you’re on your knees, giving a beej to a rich john for money to buy a Chanel knock-off, reach for the stars and by that I mean reach for the Rolex around his wrist and slip it off without him knowing it. You can thank LiLo’s tweet for pushing you toward your life goals.
And here’s everyone’s new life coach carrying that Birkin bag while walking into her hotel in NYC today. If you put your head out your window and listen closely, you can hear a bitch screaming, “That’s my fucking missing Birkin!”
