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During her last pregnancy, Jessica Simpson broke every copy of Elle’s Photoshop when she posed nekkid ass nekkid and talked non-stop about how she couldn’t get enough of Eric Johnson sticking his gold digging peen up into her amniotic fluid ocean. And now we’re doing it all over again. Chestica tweeted this picture of her making third degree duckface while showing off the skin globe where her second baby is growing. Since Jessica and Eric are horniest when she’s knocked up, I don’t even want to think of the things they’re doing with her deep ass belly button. Let’s not go to that place. It’s way too late in the year for that shit.
And judging by her last pregnancy, I’m guessing she’s about 10 days knocked up here. Only 545 days to go!
via UsWeekly
PLEASE do not disfigure Richard Simmons, EVER. Who could do such a thing? In this video from TMZ, some Asian guy (okay, stop with the Asian driving jokes) did just that, and watch how Richard handles his flattened foot situation. Too cute.
Richard Simmons is the hot slut of this and every generation, okay??? RECOGNIZE, step off (his foot, no seriously, step off), and give a little love to the man who believes that fitness is fun while the rest of us just go “meh” and scratch at our hairy FUPAS.
Go Richard!
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Radar Online (via the National Inquirer) reports that Rita Whora-hater Rob Kardashian got the rat poison poked into his mug. Has this dipshit SEEN his step-dad? He wants that on his skull greeting people? This is the shit that happens when some whore gets pissed on in a sex tape, becomes a mega-celebrity because of it, and brings her useless relatives to TV with her. You have 25-year-olds who become so self-involved that they start imagining their faces are falling off. Nevermind your face, put a pin in that ass, power bottom!
“Rob was complaining about his face drooping and that he’s starting to look old,” an insider the National Enquirer. “Kim told him to stop whining and put his money where his mouth is. She turned him on to her trusted plastic surgeon and convinced him to go for a Botox treatment. Rob was all for it and made an appointment right away. “
What fantastic advice from a completely natural-looking young woman. She looks like a seal made out of formica. Definitely go to her guy. Ugh, the Kardashians. Why can’t someone convince them that leeches are still a viable medical alternative? Why can’t they all date Chris Brown when he’s on his period? Why can’t the Manson Family still be a thing and come to their house for a visit?
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So much for the 489th rumor that Jennifer Aniston is knocked up with the final sign of the apocalypse, because here she is in Cabo with a flat stomach and I don’t see a fetus foot dangling out of her crotch. This Christmas, Jennifer Aniston is blinding people within a 40-mile radius of Cabo with the bright ass rays shooting off of her 89-carat diamond hitchin’ ring and she’s doing tequila shots out of Justin Theroux’s cum gutters. I’m just going to point out three quick things about these pictures:
1. While Jennifer Aniston puts some heat on her ice pick nipples, she lies in the birthing position, because you can never practice too much and you never know when the BABY OF YOUR DREAMS might pop out of there. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant happens in real life sometimes.
2. Is Justin Theroux serious with those jorts and newsboy cap? Justin is in Cabo, bitch isn’t at a summer barbecue on a rooftop on Avenue B. You know at least once during their trip, he’ll ask a waiter, “Tienes Pabst?”
3. SmartWater is SadWater today, because Jennifer Aniston is cheating on it with what looks like Fiji.
And as for Justin, fugly jorts and all, I still would.
Earlier this year, “random” was redefined when pictures came out of Robin Wright lovingly popping a zit on Ben Foster’s forehead (that’s what she was doing, right?) in the middle of a restaurant in Australia. And here they are 10 months later, walking arm-in-arm in a parking lot after shopping at Fred Segal in Santa Monica, CA yesterday. So basically, this Christmas, Robin Wright gets to sit and spin on Ben Foster and as for Sean Penn….
In a South American hotel room, a high-priced pussy peddler is trying to contain her eye roll while a sweaty and naked Sean Penn lies in the fetal position in her arms and snorts out coke boogers while bawling about how nobody has ever truly loved him before. Grease and scalp cheese gets between her fingers as she strokes his oily mop and tries to shut his annoying ass up by letting out a quiet “shhhhh” every now and again. Earlier in the night when Sean munched her butt in between shouting, “Tell your comrade you love it, Hugo. Tell your comrade!“, she thought that would be the worst part of their date, but she was wrong. Bitch is not getting paid enough to listen to Sean Penn’s whining. Her Christmas is totally ruined.
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Oh football, you disappoint us all. There you were – perfectly poised to pop Jennifer Lopez right in her smug face, something most of us can only dream of, and you just let her stop you?? Just like that?? That’s it football, we are FINISHED forever professionally. You disgust me. I hope someone kicked you hard for that.
So JLo and her son Casper Smart were at something called the Gasolina Celebrity Football Match in Puerto Rico and as much as it pains me to admit it, Jennifer is showing some skill instead of looking like a complete fool. Casper on the other hand can’t help it.
The pictures in the gallery capture truly beautiful moments, such as apocalyptic fart, slow Kojak, and AW MOM. I can’t believe these two are still together. Take notes Demi, the way to keep the way younger man is to make sure he’s a broke ass bitch that can never, ever leave your AmEx black card you. I would suggest that unlike Jennifer though, you find one worth keeping first.
Splash news
We all know french bitches are the biggest sluts, and this one is truly the grandest of them all! Tied with Suriname as the South American country no one gives a shit about, French Guiana (sometimes spelled Guyane, but that looks like an intestinal disease) is an overseas territory of France, has a capital named after a pepper (Cayenne) and apparently also has a fucking space center where they launch rockets from. In 6th grade, my whole class got randomly assigned a different South American country to do a report on, and the bitch that got French Guiana had no idea what to do for his presentation. So he just put on a poncho, held some bananas and pretended not to speak any English, claiming that was an authentic French Guianese experience.
I should be up to date on the vacancy status of Angela Chase’s uterus, but I’m not, so the ball of popped bubble wrap I call a brain completely forgot that she was knocked up. But Claire Danes is not knocked up anymore, because she gave birth to her first kid sometime yesterday. Seeing the words “Claire Danes” and “pregnant” in the same sentence makes me remember the days when Billy Crudup left a knocked up Mary-Louise Parker for her ass. Anyway, People has all the details you care about (aka the baby name):
It will be a very happy holiday for Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy!
The Homeland star, 33, and her actor husband welcomed their first child, son Cyrus Michael Christopher Dancy, on Monday, Dec. 17, her rep confirms to PEOPLE exclusively.
Yes, CYRUS MICHAEL CHRISTOPHER. That baby is a first name hoarder. How many first names does one baby need?! Bitch should’ve paid tribute to her roots by naming her kid Rickie Rayanne, but she just had to go with Cyrus. Cyrus as in Billy Ray. Cyrus as in that annoying movie starring Jonah Hill. Cyrus as in the guy from The Real World: Boston who spelt it “Syrus” and got in trouble for sexing the mother of a student from the after-school program he volunteered at.
The only good thing about Claire and Hugh giving their kid the name Cyrus is that when he grows up and writes a tell-all about how he hates them for naming him Cyrus, he can call it “Cyrusiously tho?“
