Here’s the First Ladies of the Ginger Gayelles posing for their official wedding portrait, which I’m hoping they gave to People in exchange for a generous donation to the Save The Gingers Foundation. For the most important royal wedding in history, Cynthia Nixon wore a custom made pale green Carolina Herrera dress and Rojo Caliente wore a custom made suit from Men’s Warehouse and a tie from Friar Tux’s Lucky Bitch collection. They chose green as their wedding color to remind us all that Cynthia’s the second luckiest human alive for getting to curl up into Rojo’s piping hot arms at night and Rojo is the first luckiest human alive for getting to be Rojo Caliente!
This beautiful portrait is really what you find in the bottom of a pot at the end of the rainbow. A glossy copy of this stunning portrait is the prize you get when you turn a four leaf clover into your local lottery office. The next time I go to a Home Depot, I better see this picture in stained glass on all their front windows. It’s that magical and that holy. I think I just had an SM (spiritual movement)!
Ryan Gosling can stop a street fight by cooling the boiling blood in everyone’s head with the velvety maple syrup essence that wafts off of him when he cracks a smile, but his life-saving powers go way beyond that. Ryan Godling is a real human being AND a real hero. Laurie Penny, a British journalist, learned this firsthand when Ryan saved her from walking in front of a speeding taxi in NYC yesterday. Laurie was on 6th Avenue and completely forgot that all American cars are righters. Laurie was looking the other way when Ryan winked death away from her by pulling her to safety. Of course, Laurie Tweeted about her real-life remake of Closer and of course, Ryan wore a Canadian tuxedo while saving her from getting a bear hug from the Grim Reaper. via Observer:
I literally, LITERALLY just got saved from a car by Ryan Gosling. Literally. That actually just happened.
I was crossing 6th avenue in a new pink wig. Not looking the right way because I am from London. Ryan Gosling grabbed me away from a taxi.
He did not say ‘hey, girl.’ He said ‘hey, watch out!’
Identity of no-idea-if-actually-a-manarchist-but-definitely-a-decent-sort Ryan Gosling confirmed by girl near me, who said ‘you lucky bitch’
Confession: I did a double-double-take because, initially, I thought it was @jedweightman. Then realised Jed would not wear
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“Do you take Wiener Dog as your lawfully wedded wife?” are the words most of us wish we could hear on our wedding day and Caroline “Not The Model One” Murphy is the lucky bitch whose ears will be tickled by those words in the near future. Heather Matarazzo of Welcome to the Dollhouse tells Associated Press that her girlfriend of a long ass time took her aside and said to her, “ Yo, Wiener, you better get ready, ’cause at three o’clock today, I’m gonna WED you!“
They’re engaged! Heather put the happy news like this:
“My eyes and spirit have opened up since I found someone that I get to share my life with. I don’t believe that I’ve found my other half. That would mean I was thinking of myself as incomplete.”
Heather and Caroline, who looks like she could’ve been Becky #3 if Roseanne needed another one, are planning a wedding in New York for this fall. There’s gonna be Ring Dings, Pop Tarts, Jello-O, whatever and Steve Rogers will sing a re-worked version of this at the reception:
If any of us had a stumpy mast of seasoned Italian gristle with a slug hugger full of soft bulging love communicating to us in body language to ravage him whole, we would not turn our backs to him the way Michelle Rodriguez did in Sardinia yesterday. But that’s exactly what MRod did while climbing rocks and shit with Italian businessman Gianluca Vacchi. I mean, Gianluca is throwing his arms up and begging for a stick up, but MRod is denying him! Or maybe she left her dildo gun on the boat. Whatever the case may be, I hope that after those dykes on a bike rode into the sunset, their love story ended with Gianluca checking into the emergency room at 4am because he accidentally fell culo first onto a broken off strap-on. Il finito!
It all makes sense now. When I blacked out yesterday afternoon for a few minutes, it wasn’t because I used NyQuil as a mixer. It was because somebody finally heard my prayers and put me in the body of the lucky bitch beast who got a giant serving of YES on its back at some polo match. This is some Freaky Friday shit!
The shock of Prince Hot Ginge’s fiery crotch scepter and orbs dry fucking my spine must’ve erased my memory of this, but this picture is proof that I switched bodies with his horse for a quick second. Because if Prince Hot Ginge was about to smack me in the nalgas while riding me hard, this is the EXACT look I’d make. My eyes would scream “Dear Orgasm, it’s me Michael, I’m coming for you!” My nostrils would flare up to the size of my no-no! And I’d definitely bite hard on an imaginary pillow. Yup, that was me.
It also explains why I woke up with straw shit all over my floor and naked Trace Cyrus pictures on my monitor.
