Here’s mutha greeter, hamburger entrepreneur and one-man terrorist killing machine Marky Mark taking a break from shooting a Michael Bay movie (or does a Michael Bay movie shoot you? I’m confused.) in Florida to do a little pap watching on his hotel balcony. It’s been much too long since I’ve been in awe of Marky’s gloriously succulent rack. Marky’s man tits truly get better with age. Don’t you just want to throw some unbleached flour on Marky’s pectoral dough mounds and knead them until they rise so high that their nipples are kissing his chin? I bet that when you order a bread basket in a restaurant in heaven, Marky shows up with his chichis sitting in a basket. No butter needed!
I was going to make a joke about the anal beads around Marky’s neck, but making that joke in the presence of his holy Catholic pecs would be sacrilegious.
Who knew that some people would actually be offended by Marky Mark implying that the passengers on the 9/11 planes were fawkin’ pussy queeahs and didn’t have the red third nipple of courage to kill the terrorists like he does? Tons of people were not amused, including the families of the victims, and so Marky Mark’s sort of kind of apologizing through TMZ for hurting all yooz rehatd’s feelings.
“To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention.”
Marky’s publicist, or who ever wrote that shit, should keep it in a file. Because they’re going to need it when Marky tells Douche’s Journal if that if he was on the Costa Concordia cruise ship, he would’ve punched that rock into dust and used his extra full long nuts to paddle the ship to safety. PAH!
It’s a good thing for terrorists that this generation’s Chuck Norris, Marky Mark, didn’t get on one of those planes as his ass was scheduled to, because if he did then 9/11 would’ve never happened.
In between talking about how he’s a good Catholic boy who doesn’t jack off (Tip: You can stop right here, because that explains everything.), Marky Mark bragged to Men’s Journal that IF he was on Flight 93, he would’ve served up a funky bunch of American justice right in the faces of those terrorists and landed the plane safely while soothing all the passengers (who did nothing, obviously) with an acoustic version of “Wild Side.”
The bald eagle has stopped letting out a “Never Forget” tear for a quick second to laugh at the shit that came out of Marky’s mouth:
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”
The words “THIS BITCH” are permanently embedded onto my retinas, because that’s the only thing that blinked in front of me after I finished reading that quote. We shouldn’t laugh at Marky, though. Marky once blinded a Vietnamese man in the eye
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Marky Mark still really wants people to see him as Mark Wahlberg, serious Oscar-nominated thespian, instead of the hot piece who is responsible for awakening the genitals of a thousand newbie gays in the 90s. This is Marky Mark’s greatest achievement in his professional life and he should pull down his pants and embrace it! But nooooo, Marky still gets all sorts of assholey in the face when somebody brings it up. Drew Barrymore knows all about this.
During a scene in her new movie Going the Distance, Drew phone fucks with Justin Long while thinking about Marky Mark’s ads for Calvin Klein chonies. When Drew ran into Marky Mark recently, she told him all about the scene and instead of thanking her for slobbering over his dick, he acted like a giant one. Drew told Popeater, “Oh my God, I did tell him that. I ran into him at an awards show and I told him I was just talking about how hot you are in your underwear. Who would not be excited about that? He’s a very nice guy, and I have had other conversations with him that went much better than that.”
Justin Long, who was also there, defended Marky, “It didn’t go over great … In [Wahlberg's] defense, it’s a strange thing to bring up. I don’t think he was prepared for it.“
Marky Mark takes shit way too seriously. Why does he have to ruin all the beautiful and touching moments we spent together in my wet dreams back in the day? Why does he have to spit (and not in a sexy) on our fake love? Drew is right. There’s
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