Open Post: Hosted By Marky Mark

Here's mutha greeter, hamburger entrepreneur and one-man terrorist killing machine Marky Mark taking a break from shooting a Michael Bay movie (or does a Michael Bay movie shoot you? I'm confused.) in Florida to do a little pap watching on his hotel balcony. It's been much too long since I've been in awe of Marky's gloriously succulent rack. Marky's man tits truly get better with age. Don't you just want to throw some unbleached flour on Marky's pectoral dough mounds and knead them until they rise so high that their nipples are kissing his chin? I bet that when you order a bread basket in a restaurant in heaven, Marky shows up with his chichis sitting in a basket. No butter needed!

I was going to make a joke about the anal beads around Marky's neck, but making that joke in the presence of his holy Catholic pecs would be sacrilegious.

Marky Mark Is Sorry For Saying He Would've Been The Savior Of 9/11

Who knew that some people would actually be offended by Marky Mark implying that the passengers on the 9/11 planes were fawkin' pussy queeahs and didn't have the red third nipple of courage to kill the terrorists like he does? Tons of people were not amused, including the families of the victims, and so Marky Mark's sort of kind of apologizing through TMZ for hurting all yooz rehatd's feelings.

"To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention."

Marky's publicist, or who ever wrote that shit, should keep it in a file. Because they're going to need it when Marky tells Douche's Journal if that if he was on the Costa Concordia cruise ship, he would've punched that rock into dust and used his extra full long nuts to paddle the ship to safety. PAH!

Marky Mark Would've Killed The 9/11 Terrorists With His Funky Punches! PAH!

It's a good thing for terrorists that this generation's Chuck Norris, Marky Mark, didn't get on one of those planes as his ass was scheduled to, because if he did then 9/11 would've never happened.

In between talking about how he's a good Catholic boy who doesn't jack off (Tip: You can stop right here, because that explains everything.), Marky Mark bragged to Men's Journal that IF he was on Flight 93, he would've served up a funky bunch of American justice right in the faces of those terrorists and landed the plane safely while soothing all the passengers (who did nothing, obviously) with an acoustic version of "Wild Side."

The bald eagle has stopped letting out a "Never Forget" tear for a quick second to laugh at the shit that came out of Marky's mouth:

"If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'"

The words "THIS BITCH" are permanently embedded onto my retinas, because that's the only thing that blinked in front of me after I finished reading that quote. We shouldn't laugh at Marky, though. Marky once blinded a Vietnamese man in the eye with a metal hook for no reason, so he's capable of anything. Marky would've stunned the terrorists with his dramatic monologue from Three Kings, and then knocked those box cutters out of their hands with his third nipple before blowing them out of the plane door with his Funky Bunch thrust. Then Marky would've turned to the imaginary camera that follows him everywhere and said America's newest motto: "Say hello to the debul for me."

Or Marky would've made those terrorists bleed through their eyes by showing his movie Rock Star in the first class cabin.

Marky Mark does't act in action movies, he LIVES in action movies and I hope that nobody ever yells "Cut!" on his ass, because what comes out of his mouth is gold-plated shit soup for my soul.

Bauer Griffin, Splash