Hot Slut Of The Day!

Hubba Bubba Bubble Jug, powdered gum from the 80s and 90s!

A ten second Google search told me that Hubba Bubba stopped making the magical pink powder that turned into gum when you put it in your mouth. It was kind of gross, honestly, but powder turning to gum in my mouth blew my mind in the 90s. The fact that it looked like bubble gum cocaine and clumpy cat litter was part of its magic. I wonder what it would be like to snort that shit? Better yet, if you snort powdered gum through your butt, will you be able to blow out bubbles from your ass? Hmmm.... I'm off to eBay to find some.

....The Hell Kind Of 69 Position Is This?

A few minutes ago, if you told me that you had a picture of Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender 69ing in W Magazine, I'd prepare for the fapocalypse by sending my dog to the boarders before ordering tubs of lube, replacing my bed sheets with plastic tarps and telling my neighbors that they should either somehow catch a cold that stuffs up their noses or they should go ahead and visit their parents upstate. Well, here's the picture and.......huuuuuuuuuuuuh?!

Why are they fully dressed? Like they're fully FULLY dressed. They're even wearing shoes! Why does Charlize's eyes look like they just made out with Taylor Momsen's raccoon eyes? Why does it look like there's a Kindle hanging from Charlize's crotch and Michael Assbender is catching up on some reading? Why is Charlize pointing her open mouth away from Michael Assbender's crotch? When your mouth is open and Michael Assbender's peen is within beej distance, your natural instinct should be to introduce your tonsils to his peen head. That fake fire in the background must be letting out some toxic fumes that are making both of them hazy in the brains. That's the only explanation.

But the rest of the pictures are much more faptastic (especially this one which I'm turning into ceiling paper) and have convinced me that Charlize and Assbender need to star in 50 Shades of Grey together and that the 50 Shades of Grey movie needs to take place in Freddy Krueger's nightmare lair. That's where they are, right?

This Bitch Is Talking Again: The Mike Seaver Edition

As part of Has-Been Week on Piers Morgan's CNN show last night, he talked to Dr. Seaver's son turned evangelical crazy Kirk Cameron about all sorts of shit including gay marriage and homosexuality in general. If you're thinking that putting your ear up to a dog's asshole right before it farts would fill you with more interesting shit than what came out of Kirk's mouth, you're right! But if you still want know what came out of Kirk's pie hole and don't have the stomach to watch him in motion, here you go:

Kirk on same sex marriage: “Marriage was defined by God a long time ago. Marriage is almost as old as dirt and it was defined in the garden between Adam and Eve. One man, one woman for life till death do you part. So I would never attempt to try to redefine marriage and I don’t think anyone else should either. So do I support the idea of gay marriage? No, I don't."

Kirk on if he thinks being gay is a sin: “It's unnatural… I think that it’s detrimental, and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization."

Kirk thinking that marriage is only meant for a man and a beautiful lady he carved out of his own rib bone is his opinion. Kirk also thinking that me sucking on man taint is ruining society just like his mouth has ruined whatever is left of his joke of acting career is his opinion. Those are his opinions and he's entitled to them. Just like I'm entitled to my opinion that without gays and lesbians, the world would be a sad, bland place without glitter, flannel, sprinkles, Home Depot and RuPaul's Drag Race. It's also my opinion that the shit that spews out of Kirk's mouth hole is the reason why nobody wants to come to his foot-long party!

When are we going to get to the part when some Craigslist hustler is on the cover of The National Enquirer talking about how he gave Kirk Cameron a real growing pain. That moment is inevitable and I, for one, can't wait.

Hide Yo Auto-Tune!

Magical seahorse Antoine Dodson is trying hard to break out of being that "Hide Yo Kids!" ho and so he put out a new ballad that sounds like something two robots would slow fuck to since his natural singing voice has been covered with so much auto-tune that what comes out of his mouth is the same shit that comes out of Rosie the Robot's mouth when she orgasms. Even though this auto-tuned to infinity and beyond mess is completely unnecessary and I just want to wear one of his plastic micro braids as a friendship bracelet, I hope this song goes triple Reynolds Wrap. 2012 really needs its own Tevin Campbell and 'Toine might be it.

via ONTD

The Hell Did I Watch Last Night?!

Lana Del Rey's album isn't even out yet until later this month, but hos started throwing cold mounds of shit at her months ago when they accused her ass of being as fake as the collagen noodles on her mouth. The Lana haters say that her record label changed her name from Lizzy Grant, uploaded a new musical style into her brain, plumped up her lips with a bike pump and transformed her into some kind of Nancy Sinatra-like indie wonder. And last night, they really tried to make Lana Del Rey happen by pushing her out on Saturday Night Live's stage when they really should've pushed her into an emergency room for a Red Bull injection, because she looked like she was going to fall into a coma mid-hair flip. If this was an episode of Dance Moms, Abby Lee would say that Lana didn't even earn a place on the sand under her pyramid. The whole thing was a new kind of bizarre.

Lana sounded like a Japanese person trying to sing in English with a German accent. I'm sure that what came out of her mouth is not unlike the sounds that come out of a walrus's mouth when it's doing high school theater vocal exercises. The passport of Lana's voice filled up last night, because it was all over the place. (GONG me in the face for that one. I deserve it.) The way she moved too. Lord. It was like someone threatened to shoot all of her loved ones if she didn't give the performance of her life and she doesn't really love her loved ones, but doesn't want them to know that, so she just Meh-ed her way through it. Nerves due to inexperience are a helluva drug.

With all that being blogged, I LOVED EVERY PAINFUL MINUTE OF IT! It was like watching an overly sedated 8-year-old girl do a Jennifer North from Valley of the Dolls impersonation. Sedated camp at its finest!

Click here and here if you can't watch the videos above.

ScarJo And Joseph Gordon-Levitt Might Be Doing It

If you've had your tongue on Sean Penn's golden raisin taint as he yammered on about saving Haiti, you too would try to cleanse your brain of that terrifying memory by spinning on the dick of grown men who used to be child actors. That's pretty much what ScarJo is trying to do. ScarJo has already bounced her chichis on the face of Kieran Culkin and now UsWeekly is saying that she can answer the question: "What does the inside of Joseph Gordon-Levitt's mouth feel like?"

The details from UsWeekly as every trick who cried snot tears during 50/50 screams out, "Third rock from the NOOOOO!!!!":

Scarlett Johansson was spotted making out with 50/50 star Joseph Gordon-Levitt in NYC last month. "They were kissing," an eyewitness tells the new Us Weekly, on stands Friday. "They were very lovey."

It wasn't the first time Johansson, 26, and Gordon-Levitt, 30, hit the town together. The duo dined at Hundred Acres in NYC's SoHo area in late July.

Although a source tells Us that Ryan Reynolds' ex and Gordon-Levitt have been "discussing a project for a while [but] have never kissed," another insider explains, "They first met about a film they wanted to do together, but it's gone beyond that now."

One of ScarJo's friend says that it was just a kiss, which is polite talk for "She's a slut." But really, it was just a damn kiss. Maybe ScarJo was telling JGL that she can't get the rancid taste of Sean Penn's old nuts out of her mouth and he was curious to see what she was talking about. Who knows.

ScarJo really doesn't have a type, though. Bitch went from Ryan Reynolds to Sean Penn to Kieran Culkin to Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Four of these are not like the other. You better watch out, because ScarJo may get on your favorite white actor to fap to next. Where ScarJo's coochie will stop next, nobody knows.

Hide Yo Mai Tais, Snookitina Lands In Hawaii!

As Hurricane Irene (EXCLUSIVE: whose face looks like this) fucks with the Caribbean, Hurricane Snookitina blew into Kauai yesterday, making the locals and tourists wonder why all the full booze bottles and red lipstick tubes started shaking like the emotion called "fear" is something they actually feel. Speaking of, an emotion called "h8ing jelizzy" will be felt by orange-glazed luau pigs when their souls take one good look at Xtina and wonder why that special bitch doesn't have an apple in her mouth too. Keep hating, luau pigs! To the left! To the left! No, really, roll to the left, because that part isn't cooked yet.

Before Xtina, Baby Max and her rent-a-bitch Matthew Rutler flew into Hawaii, her lawyers threw a threatening eye at those shirt stirrers Media Take Out for implying in so many words that her kid's black eye was caused by her sloppy drunk bitch ways. Xtina's rep quickly said that Baby Max has an ow under his eye from tripping over a rock while chasing squirrels. This shit makes sense, because ALL BOYS OF ALL AGES chase squirrels. ("Michael, you need to stop acting like you'd chase a squirrel even if it had a nut in its mouth." - you)

HOW DARE MEDIA TAKE OUT! Xtina is a seasoned drunk and a wonderful mother. She knows better than to handle her child while the whiskey is taking her higher (or lower, depending on who you ask). Any seasoned drunk parent knows that in order to keep your child completely safe while you're making mouth love with the sweet nectar, you have to tie them to their bed so they can't get into trouble. DUH. Everything you need to know about parenting you should learn from Ginger McKenna.

But seriously, if you're going to be a kid with a black eye, it's best to be a kid with a black eye whose mom is Xtina. When Baby Max wakes Xtina up in the afternoon and asks her why she's got a black eye and a bloody chin (aka runny mascara and lipstick), she can say that she got it from chasing Wild Turkey with a Grey Goose. That is the kind of mother son bonding I love to see.

Are Times Really That Tough For Natalie Cole?

On last night's season finale of The Real Horseflies of New York City, Cuntess LuMann de Lesseps threw a party on a boat to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of dating her boyfriend Dahveed Schwimmière. LuAnn throwing herself a fancy party for her 1 year dating anniversary is one kind of confusion, but Natalie Cole agreeing to sing at that mess is another. Earlier in the episode, Natalie magically ran into LuAnn at a recording studio and agreed to sing a duet with her at the party. This crap put the du(du) in duet.

If you crawled into Nat King Cole's grave, opened his coffin and gave his skeleton mouth to mouth bones, the sound that comes out of him would sound a million times better than what came out of LuAnn's last night.

I never saw Natalie shake her head and make a "so it's come to this" face, but I did it for her. I'm surprised that Natalie Cole singing a duet with The Cuntness didn't make Hell freeze over and send an icy glacier up through the Hudson to break that boat in two.

L is for the way my ears leak blood....